What defines who you are

What defines who you are?  Have you ever asked yourself this question?

Labels

There are so many labels around...  you can find labels to define who you are, or who you think you are so easily. You already know that I am not to found of labels. You can read about it here but essentially I find they are diminutive and restrictive...  you can be so much more than that if you become who you were meant to be. Labels, groups, can serve as inspiration but you should aim for more than conformity.

I am not going to lie... for years, I have identified to labels, especially when I was lost and confused about who I was. It was easy, comforting and gave me a sense of belonging. After all, if I am a vegan or vegetarian, a minimalist, a knitter, a reader, a writer, a yogi... it gives me people I can identify with.  People I can relate too. People who are like me, therefore proof that I am "right". Right?

What hides behind labels

However, in the long run, the more I tried fitting into those groups, the less I wanted too.  The feeling of belonging changed into a feeling of not being good enough. I could always find someone that was a better vegan, a better minimalist or a better yogi than me.  Someone who wrote better... or read faster... So I was right back where I started...  feeling not good enough and hence looking for where I could be good enough. 

What if I was already good enough?  What if there really is no group I can fit in 100%? What if I was at a point where I no longer needed to be defined by a single word?

What if I assume my given rights to be free to be who I want to be?

What if I used my gut feeling to judge for myself what is right for me? 

Would I loose anything doing so?  Would I gain something?

For sure I would not loose a sense of belonging...  because quite frankly, no matter how hard I tried, I was never comfortable around anyone who claims to be 100% anything! Life is never that simple.  There are all colors, all shades of grey.  

And life is not a competition... I do not need to be a better vegan, or a better minimalist, or a better yogi...

What I am is good enough as long as I am comfortable like that. 

I started listening to my actual needs

My body, mind, spirit talks to me in so many ways... it tells me what it likes and doesn't like.  It tells me what makes me happy or not.  It is all in there... buried deep down behind all that life long conditioning I got.  I just needed to listen. (And by the way, so do you!)

And little by little I crafted myself... I became who I was suppose to be all along.  I am not quite sure I am 100% there. But then again, can you ever be 100% anything, even yourself?  Isn't it a life long process as things change all the time?  I know there are more conditioning that need to be broken down...  I know I need to work a little more on self love and acceptance... and this will ultimately, let me be, with no fear of judgment, no fear or being alone, no fear of not being loved for who I am. 

It is actually not that hard to find out what agrees with you or not.  Just quiet yourself.  Do things alone and in silence.  You will know.

This is what I did.  And it was a great realization...

What defines who I am is actually what I do most of the time

(However, I am not saying your jobs completely defines who you are - I am lucky enough to not have to work...  but still, in some ways, what you do should reflect your inner most values or else you are constantly battling with yourself and that is one of the primary source of "dis-ease")

I like to eat healthy food but no so much cook for extensive period of times so I figured our how to do that: mostly plant based (sometimes eggs)... with a few ingredients and eating the same thing over and over again.
I like to move.  I can't stay in the same place to long. There are so many things to see.  I am not doing it nearly enough right now.  There will be more moving in the near future.
I like to live with the bare minimum... the extra just drives me crazy. Owning very little makes moving so much easier.
I like to practice yoga and meditation.  It calms me.  It makes me feel so much better in my head and in my body.  But I like to practice at home...  so I do that.
I like to read.  So many different things. And sometimes I don't finish a book I do not like.
I like to write.  I have no training in it per say... but it makes me feel good.  So I do it.
I like to knit.  Simple things. Nothing complicated...  and I can't (or won't) follow a pattern.
I like to do bead embroidery - although I am just starting it and I need to work on that skill much, much more - but it brings me peace of mind and allows my creativity to  come out.
And sometimes I combine knitting and beads...
Or add beads to my existing clothes!
I like to walk, by myself or with my love, in our city and listen to the birds, look at the sky and reflect.
I like to go camping - but nothing too wild! I won't carry my backpack all day.  I need a toilet.
I like to be in nature.  No noise. No music.  No Internet.  Nothing but silence and quiet.

Is there a "label" for that?  I don't think so... of course on Instagram I need to use # or no one would ever see my stuff...  so I use a bunch of Hashtags on every post...  all the ones I am aware off that I think define me in some ways...   but I am not pretending to be "perfect" at any of them.  

I no longer want to be perfect at anything.  I use to. Because I thought I was not good enough.

I find perfect is boring - not original.  Perfect is unrealistic in most instances. Perfect puts to much stress. 

I am looking for peace and quiet... this is all that matters right now.

This is what I need to be healthy. 

What do you think?  Do you feel the pressure of labels or are you slowly breaking free of them?

If you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Mid month update

Hello!

This will be a short and sweet post... just to update you guys on my progress so far.

I have knitted 2 baby bassinet blankets (that can also be used for car seat) and 3 mason jar sleeves. My objectives are 4 and 4! Still doable.

I have paid back on my credit card 800$ and I will have more funds to put on it... if we are not at 0$, it will be very close! And paid for in February!

I have stayed within budget for groceries and under budget for coffee shop - I am really exited about that! These are the 2 areas where I ALWAYS go significantly above budget!

I have not bought anything outside my authorized expenses.

But most importantly,  despite going through 2 challenging days, I DID NOT  buy clothes.  To be honest, I did think of it for a split second but also realize that it would not resolve anything... and just put me further away from my goal!

Even though my initial goal, and the reason for doing all this to start off with has already been revised... because of very restrictive laws (that I have just became aware off) where I live in Canada... but that is for another post! Once I have found a solution and build an even better dream!

This one is just to celebrate my great start to this year long challenge! 2 weeks down, 50 more to go!!!

I can do this!!! 💪

How is your challenge going?

If you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Was MS the problem or the light at the end of the tunnel?

I have mentioned before that I sometimes feel like I was all over the place for a while.

Reading ''How to be Alive'' by Colin Beavan, and a few more of my recent reads are helping me figure it out!   In the last 15 years or so, there was many, many (did I say many?!?) changes brought about into my life. Some willingly, some by the stoke of faith... Some good and some bad...  the good following the bad fortunately! 

Almost a year ago, I stopped working. Because I wanted to and we could afford it. I am still very happy with that decision and I wish I could have been smarter sooner and do this when my son was much younger...  but there is no need for regrets.  They serve no purpose.

When I stopped working, I had all those plans, all those things I wanted to do.  My to do list was a mile long!  Little did I know, I would work further on myself, deepen my spiritual practice and with time, my to do list shrunk A LOT!  Not because I did most of it, rather because I do not see the point to most of it!  

So here I am, a year later.  Still very happy to not be working outside my home in exchange for money. With a very short to do list. With a lot of time to do what matter most me: take care of my son and husband, take care of my small home, take care of me with my spiritual practice (yoga and meditation), having lots of time to read and write, time to knit and time to walk!  These are currently the only things I have time for.  And that is perfect.  I do more home cooking - although you might know cooking is not my thing, I figured out a way to not spend too much time doing it while eating mostly from scratch a plant-based diet on a budget! I also take more time to maintain my home - the energy is better in it! I do more laundry by hand - which is better for clothes and the environment. 

Now, I was still looking for "what am I doing here?" THE BIG QUESTION!!!

If I do not work outside... If I do not do anything to bring me fame and or money... what is my purpose? 

I thought for a while of building an online business... doing multi-level marketing, being an activist, volunteering...  but none of it seems to really satisfy me! None of it brings me the peace and quiet I want and need! They are time consuming, restrictive on different levels... and they require me being out there!  Which is very the opposite of what any introvert is looking for.  And being an introvert is a realization I a came too early fall and that has made so much sense to me... to explain me. 

But I still wanted to bring about change in this world! 

Perhaps the go-big-or-go-home is NOT for me.  There must be another way...

So I started doing brainstorming, and flow charts and all that... 

It ultimately lead me to the following flow chart:

You can see on there that all changes that happened or that I made in my life are related to being diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) back in October 2003. For the longest time, I assumed this was the problem...  but was it?

Before I was diagnosed, I was on a path that I never saw coming...  I had became the person I always despised as a teenager!  I had become who I swore I would never be...  Was it really that bad? I was not doing anything illegal per say.  Some may say that I was pretty mainstream... which is true!  I was living the American dream.  And for some, it might be OK.  To me, it was going against my inner most values... and it made me sick!  I had to get really sick and be forced to look at my life differently to find meaning - or at least to start looking for it. I had to be really scare for my future health and life to realize I was going the wrong way.

And even then, it did not happen overnight...  I resisted, I felt like life was not fair, I asked "why me?" so many times... and cried myself to sleep more often then I ever thought would be possible...  until I was ready to change, ready to see that maybe MS was not the problem but the light at the end of the tunnel!  Perhaps MS had been in my life to redirect me to the person I wanted to be... to make me see that I had grown away from myself! I needed to find my way back...

Which I did... with the help of yoga, meditation, Reiki, nutrition, lifestyle changes.

I have realize doing the above flow chart and a few brainstorming that all the life changes I made, were to manage and heal MS but they were also to bring me back to be and environmentalist like I was as a teenager and young adult.  The way I eat, being a minimalist, my activities, hobbies all bring me back to that!  All the time!  Over and over again!

It brought me to write this blog and publish my book.  However, still being in the "American dream" mindset, I figured I had to go big or go home!  And up until very recently, my focus was on numbers, on Likes, on share, on page view, on finding ways to be more out there!  To get "famous" and help more people... to go viral or have trending...

But that too was making me kind of miserable... I  am quite content with being low profile...  quite happy with not having hundreds of emails to answer every day...  pretty satisfy with the random nice comment I get from you guys!

I have come to realize in the last few months that what most might call a mediocre life is plenty for me.  I am looking for peace and quiet... I am looking to help those who want to be helped - not to force change on anyone.  I have to believe that those who find their ways to me, I can help and will gladly share what I know to do so.

I like this quote I saw a few months back, it actually started a major shift in me:

" Lighthouses don't go running all over a island looking for boats to save, they just stand there shining"  Annie Lamott

Perhaps this is all I need to do...  be a lighthouse, shine and wait.  However many boats find their way to me will be enough.  And those boats will go in their own directions after and keep on sharing... and perhaps this is how sustainable change happens: when people are ready.

I no longer worry for my "legacy"...  I have been on this planet, some will remember me, some won't... and that's OK.   I am trying to live my life to be the best version of myself.  This is all I can do.  I have to admit my limitations - whether they are self made or not... I am an introvert...  deeply introvert.  I like my peace and quiet and this is where I thrive... so what if I do not "go big"...  I am already home!

Now what?  Well nothing really...  no big changes!  No announcement!  It will be me.  More of me.  Just like you already know me.

More of the same.
And I like that.
It makes me feel at peace.
I am satisfied.

And, what about you?  Does this blog post spark anything?

if you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Tips to decluttering

I have been mentioning decluterring a lot lately... A LOT!

I have been doing it for the last 11 years on a regular basis.  I remember my first attempts back in October 2007 were NOT easy.  It took hours... if not days...  with tons of tears shed to get rid of only a few items... endless questions...  endless "but what if?"... endless "but this was a gift", "this comes from"...  and in maybe 2-3 months, I had manage to get my 3 bedrooms apartment (which we moved in from a 2 storey house and 3 kids, after having hold this huge garage sale filling up our 4 car driveway) into an acceptable home.  It was still very crowded now that I come to think of it but at least we could walk around without constantly bumping into something.

This 2-3 months, however hard it had been, opened up the door to more and more decluttering.  Eleven years later, this picture up top, shows you my favorite place in the living room (you can see here a list of all that is in my home currently).  And I swear, it is not staged.  This is what it looks like day in day out.  Perhaps with the exceptions of a few books extra on the table when I have just been to the library!

When I left that apartment where I had learn to declutter, I brought with me maybe 80% of what was in it... and I did this every time I moved after - that is 4 more times! There also were a few odd decluttering events every now and then when I panic and cannot breathe! My husband and son find it really amusing when I get into a "I cannot breathe mood"!

If I think of my house, which I did love a lot back then, I probably own 20% of what was in there...  but with every item I "lost", I have gained so much more!

What started all this was my initial encounter with Yoga and Feng Shui.

The first as a principle about non-stealing.  In Yoga, non-stealing does not only refer to not taking something from someone else's hand or home or store...  in ALSO includes an idea I had never heard about... which is that if you own something just to own it, but do not really have any use of it and especially if you do not like it, you are stealing it from someone who could use it and like it but cannot afford it!  So by donating the item, or selling it as second hand, you not only improve your living situation but your whole karma. Why hold on to something you have no use for?

The later, made me aware of the fact that every thing has an energy and that stagnant energy is not good for your home and it's inhabitant. It blocks your own energy and can be conducive to developing diseases. Every object or thing or stuff or room you do not use regularly has stagnant energy.  This is why, nothing should be stored for years...  no room should be vacated or use only on special occasions... you should keep nothing for special occasions... everything needs to flow... move, breathe! Why keep stuff packed away?  Do you even know what is in those boxes? And don't even get me started with storage lockers you pay for monthly...

oh and if you moved recently, like a few months back, and still haven't open some boxes, and perhaps stored them as is in a closet or the garage, please consider that you may actually not need them and bring them to goodwill as is...

So, what did I learn?  Which tricks/tips did I use to declutter???

1) Have you used it in the last season? Or in the last year for things that are seasonal like Christmas decorations, skates, camping gear, pool equipment...  and so on. If not, pass it along...

2) Do you really like it? REALLY? Not because someone gave it to you, or because it has been in your family forever. Because you LIKE it. Do you keep it only in case someone asks you if you still have it? Who does that anyway? If you do not really like it and you have no use for it, you do not have to keep it!  You can ask the person who gave it to you if they want it back, if it has been in the family for years, ask another member of the family if they want it. If you are not at ease with any of these, just bring it to a goodwill store of your choice.  Someone will like it and be happy to pay less for it...

3) Does the item represent who you are NOW?  Does it fit into your current lifestyle? You should not keep items because they remind you of who you use to be... you are no longer that person and that is OK.  We move on. Life moves on. Stuff needs to move on too! Is it something you keep because it somehow represent an "ideal" you?  Someone you would like to be? Or someone you think you should be? How does it make you feel when you look at it if this is the case? Like you are not good enough? Like you could do better?  Why keep something that makes you feel like a failure, like you are missing out, like there is something wrong with you?  Everything in your home should contribute to a peaceful state of mind, should create a nice, calm environment.  Not stress you out!  There are enough around us to create the stress... make your home a sanctuary.

4) If you need to pack up and go, is this something you would bring along and carry with you for however long you need to be up and running? Of course this applies only to personal possessions...  you need a bed and dishes in your life, of course you would not carry them with you for weeks... it doesn't mean you can do without in your home. This refers mostly to your clothes, jewelry, books, decorative items, collectibles, etc...

5) If your home was to burn down, and I sincerely wish it never does, what would you replace in it? Would you really buy all that is currently in it or would you take this opportunity to do with less? Do you really need all those television? DVDs? CDs? Books? All the furniture - even the one you never sit in or use? Would you buy another dinning table with 10 chairs - or eating in the kitchen is what you do most of the time? Do you need all that fancy dinner ware and glasses? How many mugs would you buy back? Tupperware? Mason jars? Pots and pans?  All the frames, paintings, decorative items?  Make up and toiletries? And once you did all this, would you actually move back into such a big house or apartment? Sometimes imagining your life with nothing makes you realize what you really value...

Now, there are a few more tricks that I picked up from different minimalists.

One is for anything you are unsure, just box it up, label it 3 months from the day you close the box and if in 3 months you haven't gone back into the box to look for anything, just bring to goodwill without opening it! This is quite a popular one. Frankly, it doesn't work with me...  after a couple of weeks, the thought of having a box dormant somewhere annoys me and I get rid of it.

You can also use the 20/20 rule introduced to me by the Minimalists. If there are an item you are unsure you will ever use again and you could easily replace it in less then 20 minutes for less than 20$, just get rid of it.  If the needs arise, you'll replace it. But what if it doesn't?  And you keep on carrying this object with you for years for no reason??? This is great for kitchen stuff, office supplies and small items I find.

And last but not least, Marie Kondo uses joy...  although it took me a while to understand what she means, if an item doesn't spark joy, don't keep it.  I think it makes sense and goes well with what I was saying earlier that your home is your happy place, your sanctuary... nothing that doesn't bring you joy should be in it.

Memorabilia

This is the most difficult category.  And every minimalist, essentialist, decluttering specialist will say it:  keep this for last! The reason is there are emotions attached to those items.  You need to be ready to let them go.  You need to have done the work on yourself with the rest of your home before you can even think of looking at memorabilia.  You cannot replace them ever if you declutter them and regret it... regrets are not good.

My suggestion for memorabilia is that in time, they will "speak" to you and you will know you can let go... sometimes you will take a picture to remember them and looking at the picture will do the same as holding the object...  sometimes, you will be years into your decluttering before you can let go and sometimes you just can't.  And that's OK.

Just remember, there is no real need to keep everything everyone you loved ever gave you.  Even without the object, you will remember the person and the memories associated with them.  It doesn't mean you do not love or respect the person anymore. It doesn't mean you want to forget them.  It just mean you trust yourself to remember what you should. It means you are ready to move along and bring memories with you, in your head and your heart, but not the heavy stuff that weighs you down.

A few more notes

Please, please, please, do not keep stuff out of guilt...  your own or induced by someone else...  Guilt is a very negative energy and as I mentioned before, the object you would keep would carry the guilt and it would slowly poison you whole home...

Same goes for not getting rid of things out of despair or when you are angry...

You have to declutter on a nice day, when you are in a nice mood and take your time.  Create an atmosphere with a candle or incense, perhaps your favorite relaxing music. Go at your own pace...  it is not a race nor a competition.  It took me 11 years to get to a place where I can breathe!  And I am pretty sure, this is not over.  It is a lifelong process...  you do not to prove yourself to anyone.  You only need to get better. To feel better. To do this for you. And you only.

I read somewhere that you should use stuff and love people... the opposite never works!  Keep this in mind.  Stuff is just that: STUFF!

Was this article helpful?
Do you have any questions?

If you liked what you read, please share...
Chloe 💜&✌

Why declutter at the start of a shopping ban? and what is in my home...

It might seem counter intuitive to actually get rid of stuff  right before a shopping ban...

After all, I cannot shop for a whole year!!!  Why risk "missing out" on something???

But isn't that one of the goal of the shopping ban?  To prove that I already have enough...  that it can wait... that I can do without...

My moto:

use it up. wear it out. make it do. or do without.

I did get rid of clothes, books, CD, nick knack...  not very much but some. Every year, around this time of the year I "panic" and get rid of more stuff...  every year I think that this is it! I will not need to declutter ever again!  And yet, year after year, I am ready to let go of more...  not necessarily because I bought more (I rarely buy anything besides clothes and we've cover that plenty!) but just because it seems like I need less and less...

But what is the purpose of going on a shopping ban if I already have excess in my home???

The idea of the whole thing is to prove to me that material is not going to make me happy... buying it, keeping it, maintaining it, storing it...  all this takes time and money that I'd rather spend elsewhere!

To be quite honest, beside my personal belonging that I really care for:

Clothes for this season and the rest of the year
13 books
4 CD
1DVD
some jewelry
2 mugs
1 large Buddha statue
1 small Buddha statue
a few Mala's
a few candles and candle holders
incense stick
essential oil
1 rocking chair
2 plants

here's what's in my home and belongs to my husband and I:
(I am not listing what belongs to my son and that he will take with him as we have no intent of replacing any of it for ourselves - eg, the television)

Bedroom:
1 double bed and linen for it
1 chest drawer
1 night stand
1 chair
1 salt lamp
1 dream catcher

Kitchen:
1 round table with 3 chairs (36" diameter table)
1 kitchen island
food and the minimum required to cook it
5 non matching plates and silver wear to go with it
2 mugs (on top of the 2 listed above)
mason jars to store food and drink in it
1 flower vase
1 cookbook and a notebook to write down recipes
1 coat peg as our entry is also in the kitchen

Living room:
1 living room table
1 bench used as a "fireplace" holding candles and incense
1 comfy chair
2 rugs
1 lamp
1 salt lamp
one small table and singing bowl in my meditation space
one cabinetry (holding my notebooks, yarn, sewing stuff, paper, pencils...)
and a few decorative items like the one I made in the above picture...

Patio
a patio set with 2 chairs
a couple of cushions (that we use inside also)
a lantern

Camping and hiking gears
(all you need for that.... not going to list it)

and this is it!  All we own (yes my husband do have personal stuff also, but it is not my place to share it! - he does have much less then me though)!!!  It can be packed up and ready to go in a couple of hours... and we love that!  We are wanderer... we move a lot and have no plans to stop that any time soon...  we do have plan to move into a van eventually and live in it for a while so the few items we own will make that transition easier for sure!!!

This is not very much... and of course, for now, we also have a television and game console as well as a futon in the living room which all belong to my son...  but as I said, we have no plan or replacing any of it when he moves... as by then, we'll be getting closer to moving into our van so the idea is to get use to life without a TV.  This is also why, as this year monthly challenges, we are planning an Internet fast from May to August included and no television in July.

What are you thinking right now? What is in your home?  Do you have this hitch to declutter now?  Are you grateful for what you have?  Do you use all of it regularly?

If you enjoyed what you read, please share.
Chloe 💜&✌

I did it!

OK...  I promise this will be the last post on clothes for a while...  until spring!

Up next, later this week, there will be a "What makes my world go round" and one about why I chose to declutter right at the same time I started a shopping ban.

More clothes donated or stored

Meanwhile, I have to share with you that I did MORE work on my closet...  it was still driving me CRAZY!  Even if I have been at it since the end of November. I have first donated roughly 20 items - you can read about it here and anything I had put aside then is now gone too, then, I have let go of 20 more items and this week end another 8. To be honest, the last 8 is still in my home...  I have boxed them up and if at the end of the year I did not go back, I will just donate them without rethinking it. The idea of keeping them is for a safety net...  just in case I panic!!!  It would avoid me going shopping and I could shop in my closet... plus they are made of fabrics I really like so perhaps I could repurpose them eventually...

Also, someone suggested that I look at this per season for now...  having 4 very distinct and different seasons makes is a little bit of a challenge (or overwhelming) to dress with less pieces and can feel as an excuse for someone like me!   By breaking it into season, I can see what I wear this winter - until the end of March, then I will re-assess - for slowly turning into spring weather.

My winter closet

I am happy to tell you that what you see in the above (of really poor quality) picture is what I will wear this winter.  There are 26 items there.  There are also 2 scarves that I knitted and use as accessories not shown and my outdoor wear and 7 items for outdoor wear. Grand total of 35 items!

Essentially, this is what my winter wardrobe consist of right now:

3 jeans
2 skirts
1 corduroy pant
1 dress
3 t-shirts
6 long sleeve t-shirts
4 flannel shirts - to be honest, I wear those more on all other seasons... but kept them as winter items
3 warm sweaters
3 cardigans
2 hand knitted scarves used as accessories

outdoor wear:

1 winter jacket
2 scarves
2 hats
1 pair of mitten
1 pair of winter boots

(we have "funny" winter here and on some occasions, I may need to wear my fall jacket and hiking boots as winter jacket and winter boots may be too warm but as a general rule, 90% of the times, winter jacket and boots it is)

if you ask about jewelry, I basically wear the same 3 earrings (not pairs, really 3 earrings) and 2 rings over and over again...

I have a quite simple life and my wardrobe reflects my activities and who I am 100% right now.

Do you have any questions for me?

Did you give yourself a challenge this year?  What is/are your biggest struggles?

Have you gone through your wardrobe recently? Did you downsize it?  Were you surprise of what was in it? How did you proceed?

If you like what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

How did so many clothes find their way in my wardrobe?

This picture is from my wardrobe exactly 5 years ago.  On January 2014.
In there you can see what I had decided to wear for my version or a capsule wardrobe for the winter.
There are only 21 items.

My summer clothes were safely put away...

There is no way I was even close to the number of clothes I own today.

My wardrobe history, if only I had taken pictures to prove to you, is like the adventure or someone on a diet for years... with ups and downs! Honestly, in my worse ever, I must have own 300 items of clothing (not that I really counted back then, but it is an estimate both my husband I made independently)!  Excluding outer wear, footwear, lounge wear and sports wear!  Basically only what I would wear to work or out and about! I was filling up a double closet, an armoire and a 4 drawers chest set...  with, obviously, some storage under my bed!  This was from 2003-2006. I am not proud of this. At all.

But when I started to heal, in 2007, the Salvation army near my house was very happy!!!

From that time in 2007 when I started to live with less, to the above picture in 2014, it was mostly a decline or steady number of clothes.  After my first purge, I slowly let go of a few more items, then bought some and let go and bought., etc..  Always with an overall smaller number of clothes.  In January 2014, I was probably at the lowest number of clothes I ever had (aside from January 2016).  I was really happy about it too!  I didn't have to figure out what to wear...  everything matched with everything else... My closet could breathe...  and so could I.

What happened between then and today?
Remember, I am now up to 68 items (89 including outer wear and footwear) after a purge of roughly 15 items in November and another 21 on Dec 29th!

Well life...  it is clearly an addiction I have! The number has been going up and down between January 2014 and today...  It is at a record high however in 5 years. I am not happy about it.

Although I thought I was OK, clearly I was not...  I never did break free of the endless over-consumerism cycle.  Not for clothes anyway. I buy, wear/or not, give away...  lather-rinse-repeat! Endlessly...

Because shopping is what I do when I am bored, sad, happy, exited.  It is my way of dealing with my emotions instead of just letting them be.  You can't shop away emotions.  You need to live them and let them go. Nothing will ever be resolved by buying one more pair of jeans or t-shirt!  Not even by buying that super sexy/feminine dress I should own! But will never wear.

By decluttering 36 items over 6 weeks, I have come to realize a few things:

1) some of my clothes were no longer fitting because I had lost weight - still I wanted to hold on to them - not in case I gain the weight back... because I had invested money in them (although most were from thrift stores) and I liked them - as if I could never again find clothes I loved!

2) some were emotional purchases - I could clearly recognize which items were in that situation - items you buy when you are having a bad day! or a good day! or because you really deserve it! -having a great memory is sometimes a curse but it can also be helpful in working through your shit!

3) some were purchase for the "ideal", "better", "good enough", "smart enough", "more sexy", "more feminine" me! A ME that do not really exist... that never did! A ME I do not even wish existed! They were to satisfy expectations I thought people had...  to satisfy conditioning I had...  to satisfy people that are not even longer in my life! To prove to the world that I am good enough! But the world do not really care in the end...

4) and of course, the "well this is a great deal" purchase!  Even though not worn... or worn once... Who can resist that??? No me!!!

And this is how clothes "find their way into my wardrobe"!!!

Because I put them there!
No one else does...
No one forces me to buy anything...

And no one can stop doing it for me!
This is my addiction.
This is my fight.
And it ends now.

One day at a time.
I am now on day 3, and feel fantastic!

Any thoughts? Tips? Tricks?

if you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

What I am not allowed to buy...

Hello!

I realized that I have made many posts about my project for this year. They were explaining the reasons why I am embarking upon such a challenge, my goals and objectives and a list of my authorized expenses.

However, I have never spoke about what I cannot buy. Not really... perhaps I didn't want to think of it... but a blogger I follow made such a post and it made me realize that as long as this is not CLEAR, I could justify it somehow... or cheat!

So here's a list of what I cannot buy...

1) clothes - I have way more than enough. I could only replace an item if it breaks and nothing else I own will do... but I will have to wait 30 days to see if I really really cannot do without! This includes jewelry and footwear.
2) Books - although I didn't buy any for 2 years, I could see a trend coming back end of last year...
3) Decorative items
4) Mugs
5) Furniture
6) Candles - only replace the one that burns off
7) Notebooks - only allowed buying 1 which I wanted to buy back in December but could not find one I like on special as it was close to Christmas. This is for a special project. Aside from that, only replace existing ones when they get filled. I am getting really good at not having a collection of unused notebooks and I want it to stay that way...
8) Stationary - except for replacing pens if need be. But I really should have more than enough!
9) Towels, sheets, blanket
10) Restaurants - only for special occasion
11) Coffee shop - I have decreased my budget to 200$ per month... from 250$. And at 250$ it had already been decreased from 400$ this time last year when we decided I would stop working
12) No Internet between, at least, beginning of May to end of August. This will, decrease my time spent on line a lot...

This should cover it...

It is basically following the one-in-one-out rule.
Quite simple in writing... but my brain is really good at making twists and turns on rules!

I have learned over the last few years that, when I "need" to spend money, I usually go for clothes first... but if I cannot buy clothes, as when I am attempting a shopping ban on clothes, I can go for any of the items in the above list with no shame or regrets.

I really want to save money and go on more experiences.
I have to stop shopping.

"I can make myself rich by making my wants few."
Henry David Thoreau

If you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

1st month! Ready, set, GO!!!

Well, here we are!
The day is finally here!!!

My year of tying up loose end is starting!

I am exited... and a little scared to be honest!
I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. Yet again.
I know it will be challenging. Especially until summer.
I know I will want to give up. I know.

I will share all of this with you here!
100% honest. 100% of the time.

My last few days of declutter

Over the last few days, I have done some decluttering and inventory of my personal belongings.
By this, I mean what belongs only to me  not to my household... not furniture or kitchen stuff...  not appliances.  I have listed what I would absolutely want to bring with my if I had to go. Quick.

What would I pack and be willing to carry?
Knowing the rest I would never see again...

I was surprise to see how little I actually care about.
It was also very eye opening.

Having been a "minimalist" for a while now, I could see that it had given me the expected results in many areas of my life but there was a few more personal areas that are still, by my standard, way to cluttered!!!

What I have got rid off

Some clothes (20 items total)
Some fabrics
Pens and pencils, coloring books
Instructions books on needle work, doodling and other creative related stuff

All this actually ended up being two garbage bags.

Let's start with what I am happy with

Although I will not share here, right now anyway, all the content of my home, I can say that the overall look of my minimalist home is quite satisfying. I have very little furniture and I use all of it on a regular basis if not daily... maybe for the exception of my rocking chair and another "comfy" chair we got at a yard sale for 7$.  Writing this makes me realize that I should use this chair a lot more... the rocking chair, I am mostly keeping for my son when he has kids.

I am also quite happy with the fact that I currently own 15 books:
- six regarding National Park in Canada and USA, guides for trees, birds and plants.
- two related to meditation and yoga
- five regarding self development
- two which are on the "let's see if they stay" list

I also own five Cds, four of meditation music and one of Leonard Cohen, and one DVD of Louis-Jose Houde a comedian I like.

As for decorative stuff, the only things I really absolutely do not want to part with are:
- one 2ft high Buddha statue my son gave me years ago
- one tiny Buddha statue that comes from quite far away and given to me by a woman that had a huge impact in my life
- one singing bowl
- a set of eight fairy my son gave me
- my favorite mug and maybe another smaller mug from Paris

I also own a few notebooks, one with my favorite quotes, one is my journal and two are notes taken from my reads (seeing almost all the books I read are from the library) and a last one which is used as a planner for my two year long road trip.

This, I would say is quite reasonable as personal belongings I care and would like to take with me.

Now let's jump onto more problematic areas

1) Creative stuff.

I own knitting needles, yarn, sewing material and a few beads/pearls with thread.  This is what I have been using regularly.

I also on embroidery equipment which I hope to use soon.  If I haven't by the end of winter, I 'll have to revisit keeping it. I have already owned it for quite a few months.

A you saw up there, I got rid of quite a lot of other "creative" stuff...  all the stuff relating to "projects" I had.  See, the thing is I have a bunch of ideas!  Things I want to do... or things I wish I'd want to do... or most likely things the "good enough" version of me would do!  However, this is all according to an "ideal" me!  It has nothing to do with the person I am or I want to be but rather with the person I think people expect me to be.  Yes, I am creative... yes I know how to sew and draw, paint and create some collage and do many different things... but do I really want to do all those things???

To be honest, not really... It's not because at one point in my life I learned to do them that I still care for it.  I am happy I know how to do it... it is useful to be able to sew back on a button or hem a pair of pants or a skirt... but  even though I have previously made clothes from scratch, it is not something I am really interested in. I'd rather buy my clothes and add a personal touch to it...

What I really like to do in my spare time is, in no specific order: yoga, meditation, walking, reading, writing, knitting (simple stuff) and to lose myself into bird/tree/sky observation. THIS is who I am.

I have to let go of what I think is expected of me...

2) Clothes

Well, this will come as no surprise! This is my MAIN area of concern.  I have started identifying my triggers and looking into the root of the problem... as for any addiction, it is not that simple.  There will most likely be a lot of writing over the year about this issue in particular along with how I am working on it and healing.

For now, in the spirit of 100% honesty, 100% of the time, here's a list of all that can be find in my current wardrobe after the 20 items were let go off.

1 all season dress
1 velvet tunic/dress
5 pairs of jeans
1 pair of wide legged corduroy pants
1 corduroy skirt
1 mini jean skirt
2 pairs summer pants
1 pair capri pants
3 pairs of shorts
5 flannel shirts
10 long sleeve tops
10 short sleeve tops
6 sleeveless tops
3 knitted warm sweaters
4 warm cardigans
1 light weight cardigan
2 ponchos
2 fleece cardigans (for outdoor and camping mostly)
1 rain jacket
1 spring/fall jacket
1 winter jacket - and one winter pants
18 accessories (scarves, mittens, hats - mostly all kind of scarves!)
8 pairs of footwear (including all seasons and all activities)

plus a few jewelry, lounge wear and underwear/tights/socks...

Clearly, this is WAY to many...  But this is why I am doing a year long shopping ban!!!  I obviously do not need more clothes! If anything, I need less!!!  How can I fit all of this is a camper van in a few years down the road???

And why did I get into that position AGAIN???
How can I not, knowing all that I know, opt out of the endless buy-wear/or not-give cycle???

There clearly is a more deeply rooted problem..

Let's figure it out!

What do you think?  Care to share your opinion? Are you doing some kind of a shopping ban? Could we support each other?

Chloe

Which "loose ends"?

Earlier this month, I decided to challenge myself over the new year. I explained, here, the major changes I had undergone over the last 12 years and in this blog post, what I wanted to address into more details.

I already started the work

After I made the decision, I could not just stand there and wait for January 2019 to show up!  I was exited about the challenge and goals and objectives.  I wanted to jump in and start the work.  Right away.  Take a head start...  if it is just against myself, it is not cheating right? ;)

So I started meditating about that more precisely...  I started reading and watching documentary oriented towards helping me reach my goals and objectives for 2019... all this prompted long, deep, meaningful discussions with my husband (who also is my mentor and best friend).

Especially around Christmas...  Christmas this year was NOT easy for me...

And it made me realize the root of all my issues... the one thing to "blame", the one thing that needed to be address if I want this year to be successful. And it hurts. Big time. It is something I already knew had some impact on my life... but I did not realize the impact was so HUGE. I had been shoving it under the carpet, walk around it, brush the surface, paint it another color, dress it up differently... any surface alterations I did... but it didn't change the issue.

The elephant in the room

I finally bumped hard into it and I could no longer pretend it was not there.

This big, painful secret I have been hiding (but is it really hiding if you are not consciously aware of it?) is that I have recently "divorced" my family.  All of it.  And it was not pretty.  Like in any divorce, things were said, actions we taken... hope were crushed and dreams flew away... there was pain and there is regret.

Recently as in a few years back.  There have been attempt at reconciliation since but they always ended up with more pain - for me at least.  I cannot speak for the others.

The truth is, and I do not wish to go into details to what brought us to this situation, we simply grew apart.   To such an extent that at this point, there is nothing to be done. Not now anyway. Most likely never to be truly honest with myself.

This I knew...  I am not that naive. The elephant in the room was no so much the "divorce" but the fact that I have to let go of what I believed to be the truth for so many years.  I have to let go of that had been my truth for all my life. I have to let go of unrealistic expectations.  I have to let go of a future I assumed could be there eventually.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

And this is the most difficult thing I ever had to let go of.
But I have to do it.
For me.
For my son.
For my husband.

How this affects me and could prevent me from succeeding this year

I had to come to the conclusion that my shopping addiction is rooted in my childhood.  And fed by my teenage years.  And reinforced by all those years of adulthood refusing to see I had a problem.

I shop, mostly for clothes, because:

1) I want to prove I am good enough
2) I want to wear "girly", fluffy, feminine stuff - since I was told I was a tom boy
3) I want to wear mature, responsible clothes for my age - since I was told I need to grow up
4) I want to prove to others I too can be pretty
5) I want to pretend I can be who others expect me to be
6) I really want to...
7) because it hurts...
8) because I am sad...
9) because I feel lonely...
10) because I want to feel like I have more...
11) because I do not want to miss out...

but in the end...  all this is NOT me!!!  All those things I buy for others... for "better" version me...  to prove to someone I can be who they want me to be...

All this just end up hurting me more.  End up proving others they are right...

All those clothes, I end up not wearing... or not more than once most of the time...  unless I get complimented on them. Then, even if I am not at ease in them, I will force myself to wear them AGAIN!  Because I got some kind of validation!

I am 46!!!  I should not need anyone's validation but my own.

I know EXACTLY in which clothes I am comfortable.
I know PRECISELY the kind of life I want to live.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

I have to live MY life!  My way!

I have to completely assume who I am. Not just part of it.  Not just on some occasions.  Not just on good days.

I AM who I am.

I am ENOUGH
I am PRETTY
I am UNIQUE

Conclusion

This is not an easy post for me... to put it out there.  To hit publish (if I ever do hit publish, at this point, I could not be more unsure about anything!)... To show my real face... my real issues...  to admit my messed up family.  To come clean about why I shop so much...

I have been quite honest in all my blog post... but there was this elephant in the room...  and I didn't even know it was there...  all those years, I have been blogging about my life style changes, my struggles, my trials and errors...  I have been trying to help you guys, and myself...  but I could not see that beast right in front of me??? 

I was working on myself... to feel better.  And it worked.  Mostly...  but there was always that itch... that "thing" that did not feel quite right...

Well, now that it is there, and that I know it, I cannot pretend I do not know it is there... and I certainly can't shove it under the carpet!!!

This year, I will let go... I will stop shopping for clothes...  I know I can finally get a good try at it because I know why I do it.

This year, I will become a better me.  BUT, the better me I want to be!!!  Not to satisfy anyone else's expectation.

Is there an elephant in your room? Do you know what it is? How did you get rid of it if you did already?  How are you planning to get rid of it if you haven't done so yet?

if you liked what you read please share!
I know there are a lot of shopaholic out there... try and reach out!!!  They need your help if you are friend with one...

Chloe 💜&✌

Revised authorized expenses for 2019

Why we revised this list already

My husband and I have been debating this list... and we have refined our mid term project so it affected the short term (aka this year) and, as a result, we are more dedicated to our project and the discipline required to go through with this year's challenge.

Quite frankly, at first my husband jumped on board but then was hesitant at the no spending thing.  It seemed to strict for him who is quite OK, in general, with the way we manage our money. He has a different way of seeing money than I do.  After hours of talking about it over the Holidays, we managed to understand each other...  And this new revised list is a derivative of our discussions.

The most important thing is that we see our 3-5 years life plan the same way. We have the same goals and objective however, it has become clear that my shopping addiction is not quite done with and THIS is the main thing about this year. I want to resolve this.  Once and for all. It is becoming an issue for our future at this point - for many reasons.  It is not "cute" anymore!

I will need to work on different aspect of my life to do so and hence the monthly challenges.

OK, I am getting sidetracked it...  so, to get back to my point, here is the revised authorized expenses for 2019.

Authorized spending

1) Budgeted life expenses like rents, utilities, food, toiletries, coffee shop, car related expenses.

   

Yes, we have a coffee shop budget - it is important to us and aside from walking in nature and reading books from the library, this is another hobby we have and the only one that cost us money. 

2) Usable stuff

     a) candles, incense and essential oils

     b) notebooks to replace filled ones - reading books from the library, I do take notes. Lots of them.

3) Razor for my husband - looking for one more sustainable and ecological to replace an old one.

4) Improvement to our living room - we decided to stay put for 3 years and as a result, we need to make the living room a little more "livable" and add comfort to it with minimum expenses.

    a) 2 meditation cushions that we can sit in to meditate or for any other reasons

    b) 2 cushions for our very uncomfortable futon

    c) 1 plant  

5) Trailer tent and any camping/hiking gear that is essential but I forgot to list - not being in the season is hard to remember what we needed as everything is put away in the locker

This is what we want to do full time in a few years so we are slowly gearing up...  And it is also part of our dream life!!! * no more trailer tent...  we will keep our tent!

6) tattoos - one each - we have been planning those for a while...

7) tanning bed - essential for me with MS as it is the best source of Vitamin D in the winter when you live up north like I do. - I really do not go that much and only 3 months per year ( February to April) and once or twice a week.

8) Knitting and embroidery material - I have no "stack" to use up as I buy as I need and when I post my monthly challenges, you will see why I need to allow this.

9) Outings - we are allowed to

     a) go to restaurants for celebration, when on a day trip or special occasions 

     b) go to the movies no more than once per season - we rarely go to the movie... once a year?

     c) go to the SPA no more than once per season there again, once a year? we did not go in years!

     d) go camping - as much as we want and can afford to! This is our dream life!!!

     e) 1 week long trip in nature that could not be camping but needs to be nature bound ? (thinking          this over at this point

     f) day trips/road trips as needed these do not really need to be budgeted for as they only cost gas...

     *** but we do have to remember that any money spend on those will be less money put in the emergency fund,  savings, and towards our ultimate goal in 3 years. which is why we made changes...  we want to spend more time in NATURE!!!

Please note that there is no budget for clothes in there - we can only replace what gets damaged beyond repair IF it is consider an essential, i.e, the only item that could do that job! 

10) We can buy gifts for other people and accept gifts.  However, between each other, we cannot buy gifts for any reason - that is something I could see us doing!  We can only buy gifts for each other on our birthdays, mother/father's day, our anniversary and for Christmas. And there again, keeping in mind that any money spend on that that is not "perfect life goal oriented" will slow us down...

11) Finally, because our house is already filled with barely the minimum, aside for clothes for me, we can replace what brakes down if we can't do without.  This of course, will be a judgment call.

Accountability

I will share here, at the end of each month, my status.  By this, I mean if I bought anything other then living expenses, whether or not it was on the authorized list, I will also share the overall impact on my finances - as you know, my financial goals were to 1) pay of my credit card, 2) have a balance of 1000$ in my savings account, 3) start my emergency fund and work it up to 3k by the end of the year. I know it won't be that simple...  but I also know we actually can do it.  The math works... will we?

What to expect now?

I am sure there will be many ups and downs...  as with any major changes we made already in our lives, it is never THAT simple... but I also know that we will adapt throughout the year and we will make it work! I will keep you posted on any further budget revision...

Are you ready for next year?  Have you set your goals? What are you trying to accomplish in the coming new year? Do you have the support you need?  Can I be of any help?

if you liked what you read, please share...  tks

Chloe 💜&✌

Monthly challenges for 2019

As you may already know, I have quite an objective in 2019:

Getting closer to the life I want to live and leave behind old habits and conditioning that hold me back!

It won't be easy.

They say that you should do more of what you love and more off it will manifest itself in your life!

It did work when I wanted to quit working (although it took 5 years)...

I will try it again. Maybe I get it faster this time around.

So, for this year, I came up with monthly challenges that will "force" me into adopting new habits and a slightly more appropriate lifestyle as per my wishes.

But first, a reminder of my objectives:

Get to a point where my life is one of wandering - no fixed address and I am finally free of my dependence on "clothes" and shopping. A life filled with nature, yoga, meditation, reading, writing and traveling. Meeting new people, more like minded people, and sharing my experiences.

Here are my challenges, with a brief explanation

January

Knit at least 4 baby blankets and 4 mason jar sleeves for my friend's fundraiser - for a while I had been looking for a trust worthy cause... this is perfect!

February

Read a minimum of 8 books, cover to cover, in a month. Doable but with a 28 days month, I will have to be disciplined!

March

Walk a minimum of 45 minutes per day, EVERY DAY, no matter what the weather is like! March can be warm, cool, extremely cold, rainy, snowy... anything! This will push me out of my comfort zone to have nice walks on nice days... I dread this challenge very much! I will take a picture of the same spot every single day.

April

Do 30 minutes of flexibility exercises per day... to get me ready for hiking/camping season, to get me ready for the meditation challenge and mostly because they say that when your body opens up, so does your mind! Let's do this!

May

Meditate 15 minutes morning AND night, every day. I already do 15 minutes, 4-5 days a week... let's push this!!! Interested to see what it can do to my conditioning, habits and life perception... as well as overall well-being. I am hoping this will stick!

June

Save 1$ as per the date - i.e. 1$ on the 1st, 2$ on the 2nd, ... 10$ on the 10th... this will add up to 465$ saved for a camping trip or my vacation week later in the fall.

July

No television. Nothing to add. I experiment with this regularly and it is always very interesting. When we will be wandering, we are not planning on having a television or Internet in our home on wheels... Great practice.

August

Similar to May but increase length to 30 minutes morning AND night. Reason of pushing it further still... that would be for me the ideal meditation practice to keep for a lifetime.

September

Do yoga every day for at least 30 min - that would be on top of my meditation practice created in May and August. This too, hope will stick.  I would end up with nice morning and evening spirituality practises.

October

Write a blog post a day every single day. No excuses. It can be creative, silly, not like what I usually do, long, short... but it has to be meaningful!!! Not just words... Wanting to push the writer in me!

November

Work on my 6th sense or intuition level. I want to work on this as a result of a few books I read this year which all point toward the fact that the best decisions you can make happens in a split second - before rationality sets in. I need a better decision making skill - less in my head and more out of my gut!

December

Ultimate decluttering - after almost a year of not buying and making do with what we have, what is now useless in my home has to go! I am hoping I can find one item per day.


And last, but not least, we will, this year again, go on an Internet fast from beginning of May to the end of August - as a minimum.  Depending on circumstances, we might extend it further.

Conclusion

I sincerely hope these will bring me closer to my dream life. I am not very far from it but there are still a few, deeply rooted, attachments to our over consumerism society which I wish to part with... the challenges are aimed in that directions and combined with my authorized expenses , which also direct money towards what I love instead of what I am conditionned, I have great hope that this will be a huge year of change for my husband and I.

Any thoughts? Please speak up...

If you liked what you read, please share

Chloe  💜&✌

Authorized expenses for 2019

Hello!!!

As you may already know, 2019 will be a goal oriented year for us...  short and long terms!

Last week, I decided to embark upon a year of tying up loose ends.  I will get back later on which loose ends I mean but first, I needed to clear my objectives, which you can find here, and then come up with a list of authorized expenses.

Reminder.

But before I actually list our authorized expenses, remember that this is not a no spend year but rather a smart spend year.  Doing our no spend November was very enlightening and it allowed us to see where we spend our money, what we have a hard time saying no to, what really matters to us and why we act the way we do.  Or at least, allow us to begin to understand why we act the way we do. This year, we want to figure it all out. 

With that intention in mind, we decided to come down with a more goal oriented budget that actually reflects our lifestyle.  We also decided ahead of time which non monthly budgeted stuff  really matters to us and that became our authorized expenses for 2019.   In that list, we basically listed things we "need" and stuff we like to do that is more in tone with our ideal life.   

November made us realized that we have triggers, and they are not the same for my husband and I, that send us doing activities or buying things that reminds us of our old self - and then we mostly regret it and are upset at ourselves.  We have came so far in the last 5 years... it is time to finally put an end to this and start the life we really want - instead of holding on to old patterns and habits that sets us back and delay us in living our perfect life. 

And now the list... 

1) Budgeted life expenses like rents, utilities, food, toiletries, coffee shop, car related expenses. 

   

Yes, we have a coffee shop budget - it is important to us and aside from walking in nature and reading books from the library, this is another hobby we have and the only one that cost us money. 

2) Usable stuff

     a) candles, incense and essential oils

     b) notebooks to replace filled ones - reading books from the library, I do take notes. Lots of them.

3) Razor for my husband - looking for one more sustainable and ecological to replace an old one.

4) Improvement to our living room - we decided to stay put for 3 years and as a result, we need to make the living room a little more "livable" and add comfort to it with minimum expenses.

    a) 2 meditation cushions that we can sit in to meditate or for any other reasons

    b) 2 cushions for our very uncomfortable futon

    c) 1 plant

5) Trailer tent and any camping/hiking gear that is essential but I forgot to list - not being in the season is hard to remember what we needed as everything is put away in the locker

This is what we want to do full time in a few years so we are slowly gearing up...  And it is also part of our dream life!!! 

6) tattoos - one each - we have been planning those for a while...

7) tanning bed - essential for me with MS as it is the best source of Vitamin D in the winter when you live up north like I do. - I really do not go that much and only 3 months per year ( February to April) and once or twice a week.

8) Knitting and embroidery material - I have no "stack" to use up as I buy as I need and when I post my monthly challenges, you will see why I need to allow this.

9) Outings - we are allowed to

     a) go to restaurants for celebration, when on a day trip or special occasions 

     b) go to the movies no more than once per season

     c) go to the SPA no more than once per season

     d) go camping - as much as we want and can afford to! This is our dream life!!!

     e) 1 week long trip in nature that could not be camping but needs to be nature bound

     f) day trips/road trips as needed

     *** but we do have to remember that any money spend on those will be less money put in the emergency fund,  savings, and towards our ultimate goal in 3 years. 

10) We can buy gifts for other people and accept gifts.  However, between each other, we cannot buy gifts for any reason - that is something I could see us doing!  We can only buy gifts for each other on our birthdays, mother/father's day, our anniversary and for Christmas. And there again, keeping in mind that any money spend on that that is not "perfect life goal oriented" will slow us down...

11) Finally, because our house is already filled with barely the minimum, aside for clothes for me, we can replace what brakes down if we can't do without.  This of course, will be a judgment call.

In resume 

This is what we can spend our money on and do for 2019.  It is all oriented towards spending a life more in nature and less at the mall and in the city... where we are no longer really comfortable and get our energy drained... This should help us finally get unconnected from the hyper materialistic society we live in.  Not that we are really attached to it anymore but there seem to be some triggers, like I mention before, that make us vulnerable and push us back into our old patterns. 

As you can see, there are no money allowed for clothes and books...  our weaknesses. Also, both our mind are set on following the one in / one out principle. 

Stay tune for my following posts about the monthly challenges - these will keep us busy and be healing and oriented towards nature.

What are your plans for 2019???

Care to share?

If you liked what you read, please share...  

Chloe 💜&✌

Why I am doing this and what are my goals

Earlier this week I announced my 2019 project.

A year of tying up loose ends.

Now some people, including my husband, which is obviously part of my project, have been asking me questions...

What is this exactly?
How will it happen?
Why am I doing this?
What are my objectives?

To the first two questions I still have no definite answers...
It will come in time.  But I know it will require challenging myself in many ways! I can see monthly challenges in my near future...

As for the why...  all I know is that I want this year to be the year where I finally come together - body/mind/spirit on the same note... no more internal fights!

My objectives

This is one thing I had to figure out from the beginning or else there really was no point in trying to do anything.  I have been working for years at being minimalist/essentialist/frugal... which ever word you wish to use. Essentially I am aiming for a simpler, healthier and cheaper way of life. With freedom to move around as much as I can.  However I am not there yet and recently I think I have figured out my weaknesses (meditation really is very insightful)... time to work on them!

1) overcome my shopping addiction for good.

Although it is well under control (compare to what it used to be), it is still there and I find myself easily justifying buying stuff I do not really need... which leaves me with less money to do things I love like camping and nature travels. Our society of hyper consumerism still has a bigger hold on me than I'd want to.

2) let go of what people think or say - completely!

There again, I can be quite independent but there are triggers that set me off and make me vulnerable. I want to identify those and eliminate them.  For that journaling might be very helpful - it has already helped me kind of see what is going on! Lots of it has to do with my age and the expectations associated with it according to where I come from...

3) live the life I love

I am working on a budget and authorized expenses for 2019 that will allow me to live life as I really wish! Thinking that if I "force" do it for a year it will get more natural and I won't have to struggle against myself in the end... For example, this life will not include shopping and travelling to cities - which are old reflexes of things I use to do but that always leave me empty and regretful I did them!

Fake it till you make it they say...

4) start working on my emergency fund

I know this is the wise thing to do and I have no excuses for not having one yet. ENOUGH. By the end of the  year, I would like to have half of it saved - that would be 3K.

As I said earlier,  I do not have all the details yet... but I will be very transparent on this blog. As usual.

The next two posts should be about:
- my authorized expenses
- my list of monthly challenges

Gandhi said something to the effect that the biggest traveler is not the one that has gone around the world but the one that went once around himself. I love this!!!

Any ideas for challenges? What do you think of that project?

If you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Feeling inspired and motivated

In spring 2006,  two and a half years after I was diagnosed with  multiple sclerosis (MS), I finally accepted that I was under a severe depression and needed help.  I went to therapy.

My therapist, as I was not suicidal or prone to hurt myself, did not use medication and this is exactly what I wanted.  A medication free therapy for depression as I was already taking enough drugs for MS.  It took months but I got over it.  One of the first thing she suggested to me was to start a yoga and meditation practice to help release the stress and sleep better.  She opened a door... and although I did the minimum at the time and my heart was not really into it, she had planted a seed that would eventually bloom...

That happened later towards the fall of 2007.

As I was at a difficult place in my life and unemployed, I started to get more into my yoga and meditation practice.  And from that, I discovered:

1) Feng Shui which brought me to unclutter my home...
2) Non harming which introduced me to a vegetarian diet
3) Non steeling which circled back to Feng Shui and led me to minimalism.

To me, all of this is intertwined...  for example, what is the use of uncluttering if I will buy more stuff to clutter back?  What is the point of holding on to something that I do not need/like/use? What is the point of doing yoga to feel better if I eat a diet that is bad for my physical and emotional health? And I could go on and on...

So from 2007 and now, I have been more or a less a minimalist depending on what you look at in my life, experienced various plant based diet, started a blog, wrote a book and made several changes to my surrounding including decluttering my agenda, my relationships and moving to a more quiet city.

All this in the hope of putting it all together and living the life I deserve and want.

However... there are still some loose ends in my life...

Putting all of this together is easier said than done.  It takes time and trial and errors so that I can find my happy equilibrium.

Where my difficulty lies now

Last week end, I had a melt down...  it was not fun...  and I want this to end.
They do not come as often and do not last as long but they still happen.
I've had enough already.
I could not stand where and how I was living.  I found myself wishing my life to be back to 2002-2003 where I had my house and all the stuff in it... a busy life... and many fake relationships...  Of course, this is not how I was seeing it on that day.  I was just longing for past times...

I looked into it...  to figure out why this was happening at that time...

Well it turns out that:

1) November and December are always more difficult times for me - my birthday and the holidays.
2) I had spend more time at the mall shopping for a few Christmas gifts.
3) I had been watching more television including shows on fashion and home design/decor.

So I started comparing.  AGAIN!

And I felt miserable... because my flat is a combination of hand-me-down and thrifted furniture, my yoga stuff, a bunch of candles and some arts/crafts I made hanging on the wall.  Oh, and my son's television!

In fact, now that I feel better, it is absolutely lovely and is a testimony of our lives... our simpler lives.

My life in general has nothing to do with was is advertised...  and most of the times, that is OK with me.  But there are still times where I am vulnerable...

Why am I vulnerable after all those years?

Because I am only Human.
Because when I have a hard time, I still turn back to my old, very old pattern of consumerism.
Because my support system might not be enough.
Because I get insecure and afraid of missing out.
Because Netflix, in the end, can be just as bad as television if you do not chose your shows carefully.

Living in a society is tricky.  Even if you try to avoid it, you are stimulated all the time and it gets into your brains...  It's like even if you eat very well and take good care of yourself, sometimes a virus finds it's way and you get a cold...

Consumerism is my virus. 
And also my addiction.

If I can't buy clothes, I will buy food... and when, like at the present, I am trying to steer clear of buying clothes because of my year long shopping ban and eat less and better food as  I recently, with great difficulty, lost 12lbs, despite going through pre-menopause, (and I do not want to gain those pounds back ever!), I turn to home decor...

But all of these ARE consumerism.
NONE of these actually make me truly happy in the long run.

How will I ever end, for good, the buy/purge cycle?

Well, while I had time to spare at Chapters yesterday while waiting for something to be engraved for my son at another store, I let my intuition lead me...  I was just browsing with no intention to buy anything...  I hardly, if ever, buy books anymore. I am one of the most loyal "customer" at my local library! I looked at a few books, that seemed interesting but I didn't want to spend the money...  until I came across Cait Flanders's "the year of less".  I started looking at that book and although some of the stuff she writes about I already did, what got my attention is that she spent a year getting over her own consumerism...

I though to myself that I could start my own year long project...  take the time to design it properly in December and start in January 2019.

So I will read her book in December...  at least her introduction and first month and  I will keep on reading a month in advance to guide me for new monthly challenges...

Between now and the end of the month, I will come up with my authorized expenses - because this is what I need to plan for in advance with my husband.  We have to make this a success and I cannot do it without having him on board. He his the biggest part of my support system.

We have come so far and tried so many things... we both get bummed when we do not succeed and it throws us further into consumerism. We already know what we can and cannot live without and what are our weaknesses... the goal will be to work on our weaknesses but rather than do it as punishment, we will use positive reinforcement - not buying stuff we actually do not need, spending less time window shopping and watching television and use that time and money to do stuff we like and get more experiences in our lives!

Why does this matters to me?

After all, we are doing pretty good - our living expenses are well under control.

The no food waste experience has become my new way of life...  this saves me so much money in groceries!
Utilities are to a minimum - including only one cheap flip phone for both of us!
Rent is more than acceptable.
Car is second hand, paid for and well repaired.
We are buying in general less and less clothes - although still more than I actually need
We are no longer buying DVD, CD and the like...
We almost never buy books.

We are almost debt free with a small amount on our credit card.

We have enough money aside for retirement.

So why bother?  Well because I want to live a life where I don't have to battle against myself every now and then... I want to finally accept my life as it is, as I designed it because it is how I truly really deeply want it!  I want to stop comparing myself and finally break free of the consumerism cycle for good.

I want to finally have an emergency fund.
I want to move away and not bring with me my ghosts.
I want to have a life based on experiences rather then stuff.

As a result... 

Starting January 1st, 2019, we will be entering

"my year of tying up loose ends"

this should complete the cycle for us... it should allow me to bring all my knowledge and "wisdom" into the perfect-for-us-life.

A life where I will be at peace with myself...
A life filled with travelling and time spent in nature...
A life moving around and not having so much stuff to carry along... perhaps live in a van???

The life I have been aiming for!!!
For years.

It is almost there....
Just a few loose ends to tie...
And I will do it in 2019.

Have you had enough of your life as it is?  Is it time to change? To say good bye to old patterns?
Do you have any plans for 2019?
What would you like this next year to bring you?

If you liked what you read, please share...

chloe 💜&✌