In spring 2006, two and a half years after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS), I finally accepted that I was under a severe depression and needed help. I went to therapy.
My therapist, as I was not suicidal or prone to hurt myself, did not use medication and this is exactly what I wanted. A medication free therapy for depression as I was already taking enough drugs for MS. It took months but I got over it. One of the first thing she suggested to me was to start a yoga and meditation practice to help release the stress and sleep better. She opened a door... and although I did the minimum at the time and my heart was not really into it, she had planted a seed that would eventually bloom...
That happened later towards the fall of 2007.
As I was at a difficult place in my life and unemployed, I started to get more into my yoga and meditation practice. And from that, I discovered:
1) Feng Shui which brought me to unclutter my home...
2) Non harming which introduced me to a vegetarian diet
3) Non steeling which circled back to Feng Shui and led me to minimalism.
To me, all of this is intertwined... for example, what is the use of uncluttering if I will buy more stuff to clutter back? What is the point of holding on to something that I do not need/like/use? What is the point of doing yoga to feel better if I eat a diet that is bad for my physical and emotional health? And I could go on and on...
So from 2007 and now, I have been more or a less a minimalist depending on what you look at in my life, experienced various plant based diet, started a blog, wrote a book and made several changes to my surrounding including decluttering my agenda, my relationships and moving to a more quiet city.
All this in the hope of putting it all together and living the life I deserve and want.
However... there are still some loose ends in my life...
Putting all of this together is easier said than done. It takes time and trial and errors so that I can find my happy equilibrium.
Where my difficulty lies now
Last week end, I had a melt down... it was not fun... and I want this to end.
They do not come as often and do not last as long but they still happen.
I've had enough already.
I could not stand where and how I was living. I found myself wishing my life to be back to 2002-2003 where I had my house and all the stuff in it... a busy life... and many fake relationships... Of course, this is not how I was seeing it on that day. I was just longing for past times...
I looked into it... to figure out why this was happening at that time...
Well it turns out that:
1) November and December are always more difficult times for me - my birthday and the holidays.
2) I had spend more time at the mall shopping for a few Christmas gifts.
3) I had been watching more television including shows on fashion and home design/decor.
So I started comparing. AGAIN!
And I felt miserable... because my flat is a combination of hand-me-down and thrifted furniture, my yoga stuff, a bunch of candles and some arts/crafts I made hanging on the wall. Oh, and my son's television!
In fact, now that I feel better, it is absolutely lovely and is a testimony of our lives... our simpler lives.
My life in general has nothing to do with was is advertised... and most of the times, that is OK with me. But there are still times where I am vulnerable...
Why am I vulnerable after all those years?
Because I am only Human.
Because when I have a hard time, I still turn back to my old, very old pattern of consumerism.
Because my support system might not be enough.
Because I get insecure and afraid of missing out.
Because Netflix, in the end, can be just as bad as television if you do not chose your shows carefully.
Living in a society is tricky. Even if you try to avoid it, you are stimulated all the time and it gets into your brains... It's like even if you eat very well and take good care of yourself, sometimes a virus finds it's way and you get a cold...
Consumerism is my virus.
And also my addiction.
If I can't buy clothes, I will buy food... and when, like at the present, I am trying to steer clear of buying clothes because of my year long shopping ban and eat less and better food as I recently, with great difficulty, lost 12lbs, despite going through pre-menopause, (and I do not want to gain those pounds back ever!), I turn to home decor...
But all of these ARE consumerism.
NONE of these actually make me truly happy in the long run.
How will I ever end, for good, the buy/purge cycle?
Well, while I had time to spare at Chapters yesterday while waiting for something to be engraved for my son at another store, I let my intuition lead me... I was just browsing with no intention to buy anything... I hardly, if ever, buy books anymore. I am one of the most loyal "customer" at my local library! I looked at a few books, that seemed interesting but I didn't want to spend the money... until I came across Cait Flanders's "the year of less". I started looking at that book and although some of the stuff she writes about I already did, what got my attention is that she spent a year getting over her own consumerism...
I though to myself that I could start my own year long project... take the time to design it properly in December and start in January 2019.
So I will read her book in December... at least her introduction and first month and I will keep on reading a month in advance to guide me for new monthly challenges...
Between now and the end of the month, I will come up with my authorized expenses - because this is what I need to plan for in advance with my husband. We have to make this a success and I cannot do it without having him on board. He his the biggest part of my support system.
We have come so far and tried so many things... we both get bummed when we do not succeed and it throws us further into consumerism. We already know what we can and cannot live without and what are our weaknesses... the goal will be to work on our weaknesses but rather than do it as punishment, we will use positive reinforcement - not buying stuff we actually do not need, spending less time window shopping and watching television and use that time and money to do stuff we like and get more experiences in our lives!
Why does this matters to me?
After all, we are doing pretty good - our living expenses are well under control.
The no food waste experience has become my new way of life... this saves me so much money in groceries!
Utilities are to a minimum - including only one cheap flip phone for both of us!
Rent is more than acceptable.
Car is second hand, paid for and well repaired.
We are buying in general less and less clothes - although still more than I actually need
We are no longer buying DVD, CD and the like...
We almost never buy books.
We are almost debt free with a small amount on our credit card.
We have enough money aside for retirement.
So why bother? Well because I want to live a life where I don't have to battle against myself every now and then... I want to finally accept my life as it is, as I designed it because it is how I truly really deeply want it! I want to stop comparing myself and finally break free of the consumerism cycle for good.
I want to finally have an emergency fund.
I want to move away and not bring with me my ghosts.
I want to have a life based on experiences rather then stuff.
As a result...
Starting January 1st, 2019, we will be entering
"my year of tying up loose ends"
this should complete the cycle for us... it should allow me to bring all my knowledge and "wisdom" into the perfect-for-us-life.
A life where I will be at peace with myself...
A life filled with travelling and time spent in nature...
A life moving around and not having so much stuff to carry along... perhaps live in a van???
The life I have been aiming for!!!
For years.
It is almost there....
Just a few loose ends to tie...
And I will do it in 2019.
Have you had enough of your life as it is? Is it time to change? To say good bye to old patterns?
Do you have any plans for 2019?
What would you like this next year to bring you?
If you liked what you read, please share...
chloe 💜&✌
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