Which "loose ends"?

Earlier this month, I decided to challenge myself over the new year. I explained, here, the major changes I had undergone over the last 12 years and in this blog post, what I wanted to address into more details.

I already started the work

After I made the decision, I could not just stand there and wait for January 2019 to show up!  I was exited about the challenge and goals and objectives.  I wanted to jump in and start the work.  Right away.  Take a head start...  if it is just against myself, it is not cheating right? ;)

So I started meditating about that more precisely...  I started reading and watching documentary oriented towards helping me reach my goals and objectives for 2019... all this prompted long, deep, meaningful discussions with my husband (who also is my mentor and best friend).

Especially around Christmas...  Christmas this year was NOT easy for me...

And it made me realize the root of all my issues... the one thing to "blame", the one thing that needed to be address if I want this year to be successful. And it hurts. Big time. It is something I already knew had some impact on my life... but I did not realize the impact was so HUGE. I had been shoving it under the carpet, walk around it, brush the surface, paint it another color, dress it up differently... any surface alterations I did... but it didn't change the issue.

The elephant in the room

I finally bumped hard into it and I could no longer pretend it was not there.

This big, painful secret I have been hiding (but is it really hiding if you are not consciously aware of it?) is that I have recently "divorced" my family.  All of it.  And it was not pretty.  Like in any divorce, things were said, actions we taken... hope were crushed and dreams flew away... there was pain and there is regret.

Recently as in a few years back.  There have been attempt at reconciliation since but they always ended up with more pain - for me at least.  I cannot speak for the others.

The truth is, and I do not wish to go into details to what brought us to this situation, we simply grew apart.   To such an extent that at this point, there is nothing to be done. Not now anyway. Most likely never to be truly honest with myself.

This I knew...  I am not that naive. The elephant in the room was no so much the "divorce" but the fact that I have to let go of what I believed to be the truth for so many years.  I have to let go of that had been my truth for all my life. I have to let go of unrealistic expectations.  I have to let go of a future I assumed could be there eventually.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

And this is the most difficult thing I ever had to let go of.
But I have to do it.
For me.
For my son.
For my husband.

How this affects me and could prevent me from succeeding this year

I had to come to the conclusion that my shopping addiction is rooted in my childhood.  And fed by my teenage years.  And reinforced by all those years of adulthood refusing to see I had a problem.

I shop, mostly for clothes, because:

1) I want to prove I am good enough
2) I want to wear "girly", fluffy, feminine stuff - since I was told I was a tom boy
3) I want to wear mature, responsible clothes for my age - since I was told I need to grow up
4) I want to prove to others I too can be pretty
5) I want to pretend I can be who others expect me to be
6) I really want to...
7) because it hurts...
8) because I am sad...
9) because I feel lonely...
10) because I want to feel like I have more...
11) because I do not want to miss out...

but in the end...  all this is NOT me!!!  All those things I buy for others... for "better" version me...  to prove to someone I can be who they want me to be...

All this just end up hurting me more.  End up proving others they are right...

All those clothes, I end up not wearing... or not more than once most of the time...  unless I get complimented on them. Then, even if I am not at ease in them, I will force myself to wear them AGAIN!  Because I got some kind of validation!

I am 46!!!  I should not need anyone's validation but my own.

I know EXACTLY in which clothes I am comfortable.
I know PRECISELY the kind of life I want to live.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

I have to live MY life!  My way!

I have to completely assume who I am. Not just part of it.  Not just on some occasions.  Not just on good days.

I AM who I am.

I am ENOUGH
I am PRETTY
I am UNIQUE

Conclusion

This is not an easy post for me... to put it out there.  To hit publish (if I ever do hit publish, at this point, I could not be more unsure about anything!)... To show my real face... my real issues...  to admit my messed up family.  To come clean about why I shop so much...

I have been quite honest in all my blog post... but there was this elephant in the room...  and I didn't even know it was there...  all those years, I have been blogging about my life style changes, my struggles, my trials and errors...  I have been trying to help you guys, and myself...  but I could not see that beast right in front of me??? 

I was working on myself... to feel better.  And it worked.  Mostly...  but there was always that itch... that "thing" that did not feel quite right...

Well, now that it is there, and that I know it, I cannot pretend I do not know it is there... and I certainly can't shove it under the carpet!!!

This year, I will let go... I will stop shopping for clothes...  I know I can finally get a good try at it because I know why I do it.

This year, I will become a better me.  BUT, the better me I want to be!!!  Not to satisfy anyone else's expectation.

Is there an elephant in your room? Do you know what it is? How did you get rid of it if you did already?  How are you planning to get rid of it if you haven't done so yet?

if you liked what you read please share!
I know there are a lot of shopaholic out there... try and reach out!!!  They need your help if you are friend with one...

Chloe 💜&✌