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my feet in the sand somewhere in Chester, NS
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Back in March 2018, at 5'5", I weighed 138.5lbs
And my weight was not at all under control... meaning it was on a ascending curve and it had been for a while.
I decided, at the end of that month, that is was time to do something.
I know I was not very big. Technically, I was not even overweight. At my height, you have to go above 145lbs before you are considered overweight.
However, at 45, and with my knowledge of the human body, I knew that it was time to do something if I wanted to loose the weight. It was a race against time with menopause about to set in...
Why did I wanted to lose the weight
I did not like myself. I was ashamed of my body. I had not wear a bathing suit in 4 years because of my slowly, but constantly expanding body. I know, for bigger woman I may sound silly... or shallow... but numbers are not what I was after (although they help me track my progress)! This has nothing to do with how I liked the numbers or not but rather how I loved myself or not. It is how you feel that matters. Not how society makes you feel, but how you really, truly feel. Deep down.
This is only about me, and how I felt and why I decided to loose the weight...
We are all unique. We have to celebrate it. And accept it.
And most importantly love ourselves. Really love ourselves. It all starts there.
I lost the weight because I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin... not be shamed and love my body.
A little "me" history
As far as I can remember, I was obsessed with my weight.
When I grew up, I was not excessively bombarded by magazines and television... it was before that time. Although, when I reached my teenage and young adults years, the image of thin, very thin woman became more present.
I must admit that I always thought of very thin, woman to be very sexy. Androgen yet feminine looks... My inspirations were Charlize Theron, Audrey Tautou, Jane Birkin, Vanessa Paradis, Keira Knightley... none of them completely but a mix of everything and anything - their street style, their hair, the way they walked, talked etc...
As far as I can remember I read nutrition facts and ingredients lists. And looked at calories.
I was never anorexic nor bulimic. I was often times told that I was on the verge of becoming either and watched by my parents for food intake and lack of running to the bathroom after a meal.
When they came out with the term orthorexia, there finally was a term to describe my pathology with food as some would say. But is it really a pathology to want to control what goes into your body???
In my adult life, my weight has spread between 122lbs and 142lbs. Back and forth. My thinnest being in extreme stressful situations - stress prevents me from eating. My heaviest when I became vegetarian and started eating too much cheese and process food for a lack of knowing what to eat.
I then slowly started studying nutrition and tried many things:
vegetarian, ovo-vegetarian, lacto-vegetarian, vegan, strict vegan, low fat vegan, no fat vegan, no process food vegan, low fat no process food vegan, juice cleanses, liquid food most of the day, apple cures, Ayurveda diet, starchivore, low fat starchivore, high protein, low sugar, no sugar, annoying vegan... in no specific order and sometimes back and forth from one to another!
and for 10 years I tried and tried... never finding what really suited me. What make me feel happy about eating and happy with my body and energy level. It always felt like something was not quite right or to difficult or required too much time in the kitchen or was too expensive!
My breasts and my waists were too big... I was bloated... and I was always cold and did not have lots of energy... slept too much... and basically did not enjoy life to it's fullest!
How I finally did it
So back in March of 2018, I decided to stop and listen to my body. It has all the answers.
Meditation helped...
Journaling helped...
I set goals for myself:
Do yoga/meditation a minimum of 30 min, 4-5 times a week
Walk at least 30 min per day 7 days a week.
Eat less, eat better, eat what makes my body feel energize.
Did I get a perfect score for all of these every single day since? Hell NO!!! I still don't. But I am slowly getting there... slowly integrating these in my routine - just like showering and brushing my teeth. Slowly changed my habits without beating myself up but by realizing that when I do these, everything goes more smoothly in my life and the weigh comes off. Positive reinforcement.
I started to listen to what my body needed and wanted. It was not easy. I was trial and error. Again.
By listening to what my body needs/want, I do not mean listening to my cravings! That is easy.
But actually, by starting to truly listen to my body, the cravings went away.
I mean actually eating quite slowly and observe the way I feel after I eat something...
Eat a smaller variety of food at once so I can identify what works or not for me.
Some food will go down easily and leave me feel energized!
Some food will hurt my stomach and wreak avock on my digestive system.
Some food will create nice easily evacuated stool the next day other will constipate me.
I learned to recognize when I am hungry - really hungry.
I learned to identify when I was eating out of habit - for example while watching TV.
I ate and took notes... every day. I weight myself daily morning and night.
I started writing down my weight, my walking, my yoga practice and stool... daily!
I also started journaling about my emotions and could link some emotions to being heavier the next day... I could also link some emotions to some people specifically or situations or locations!
It took time. Lots of time. To work on me. But it was an investment.
I found out what works for me. Found out what my trigger to eat junks were.
Most importantly, found out my happy medium.
I cannot be any strict anything. I am disciplined yes, but not that much and I value pleasure as well. Life is not only about counting and weigh and balance and image. I had to find what mattered most to me. And being thin does... thinner than I was... but I still needed some pleasure from foods and I love my sweets!
I had to accept the lies I had been telling myself. As my weight was going up and I would try unsuccessfully to control it, I convinced myself that I was not that big and still in my healthy range and it was acceptable... I had been telling myself that food was more enjoyable than being thin... I had been telling myself those lie out of laziness... I didn't feel like getting my sorry ass out of my chair and go for a walk... I didn't want to address why I was using food as a comforter... I didn't want to face the ghosts in my closet...
I had to face all that during those months.
The results
9 months later, I am now still 5'5"... not old enough to start shrinking...
I am 46 years old.
And I weigh 125.5lbs
I have lost 13lbs.
I eat 60% less than I use to.
I feel great after I ate.
I have more energy.
I sleep less.
My waste is more regularly and easily evacuated.
I am more creative.
My brain works better - better memory, clarity, connectedness between information...
And I have gain a LOT of confidence.
I love my body. OK, I like it. I mean, it is still getting older - but I am working on accepting that.
Working on really truly loving it.
I know how it works.
I know how I can control my weight and still enjoy food.
I have discovered that what works best for me:
I eat mostly veggies. Local and in season. Sometimes organic but not always.
I eat whole grain cereals in the form of oatmeal, rice, multi grains bread from the farmer's market.
Some fruit - but much less then before - no more than 2 per day.
I sometimes eat 1-2 eggs per week.
Tofu once or twice a months.
Lentils, chickpeas and black beans regularly.
A few nuts everyday - preferably raw.
I drink lots of water.
I drink one chai with soy milk per day.
And a piece of chocolate or candy when I journal at night.
And I allow myself treats now and then... I just walk more to burn them off...
I also do a 12h fast every day : I have supper at 5pm, then eat my piece of chocolate (it is a small piece) at 7h30 when I journal and eat an apple at 8pm. This is the end of my day... and I won't have breakfast before 8h30 or 9am the next morning, after my yoga practice... This is what actually made the biggest difference for me!
Still ovo-vegetarian. But I use a little oil in my cooking. I eat lots of starch (potatoes, whole grains, legumes). Most of my meals are in the form of mashed potatoes with lentils or soup. I eat very little store bought food (less then 5%) - and when I do, most likely it will be a treat. I do not look at calories - unless I am eating package food to know how much I can eat. I am never hungry. I learned to live on an empty stomach and it is amazing. I think less about food, cook less and have simplified my meals - it gives me more time to do more things I love and more money towards other things than food I do not really need.
It was not easy at first. But so rewarding now. I have never feel better in my whole life.
I was so used to eat so regularly every 2 hours or so... I had to train my body, stomach, brain and emotions to the effect that I was not always that hungry! But I am now very happy with the results and I do not feel like my life revolves around food as much has it use to. It is amazing how little your body actually needs when it works properly!
Well, this is my story... what about yours? Have you ever struggle with your weight? Are you healthy? Would you want to be healthier? Thinner? Heavier? Why?
Could that be an objective for you in 2019?
if you liked what you read please share...
Chloe 💜&✌
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