I have mentioned before that I sometimes feel like I was all over the place for a while.
Reading ''How to be Alive'' by Colin Beavan, and a few more of my recent reads are helping me figure it out! In the last 15 years or so, there was many, many (did I say many?!?) changes brought about into my life. Some willingly, some by the stoke of faith... Some good and some bad... the good following the bad fortunately!
Almost a year ago, I stopped working. Because I wanted to and we could afford it. I am still very happy with that decision and I wish I could have been smarter sooner and do this when my son was much younger... but there is no need for regrets. They serve no purpose.
When I stopped working, I had all those plans, all those things I wanted to do. My to do list was a mile long! Little did I know, I would work further on myself, deepen my spiritual practice and with time, my to do list shrunk A LOT! Not because I did most of it, rather because I do not see the point to most of it!
So here I am, a year later. Still very happy to not be working outside my home in exchange for money. With a very short to do list. With a lot of time to do what matter most me: take care of my son and husband, take care of my small home, take care of me with my spiritual practice (yoga and meditation), having lots of time to read and write, time to knit and time to walk! These are currently the only things I have time for. And that is perfect. I do more home cooking - although you might know cooking is not my thing, I figured out a way to not spend too much time doing it while eating mostly from scratch a plant-based diet on a budget! I also take more time to maintain my home - the energy is better in it! I do more laundry by hand - which is better for clothes and the environment.
Now, I was still looking for "what am I doing here?" THE BIG QUESTION!!!
If I do not work outside... If I do not do anything to bring me fame and or money... what is my purpose?
I thought for a while of building an online business... doing multi-level marketing, being an activist, volunteering... but none of it seems to really satisfy me! None of it brings me the peace and quiet I want and need! They are time consuming, restrictive on different levels... and they require me being out there! Which is very the opposite of what any introvert is looking for. And being an introvert is a realization I a came too early fall and that has made so much sense to me... to explain me.
But I still wanted to bring about change in this world!
Perhaps the go-big-or-go-home is NOT for me. There must be another way...
So I started doing brainstorming, and flow charts and all that...
It ultimately lead me to the following flow chart:
You can see on there that all changes that happened or that I made in my life are related to being diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) back in October 2003. For the longest time, I assumed this was the problem... but was it?
Before I was diagnosed, I was on a path that I never saw coming... I had became the person I always despised as a teenager! I had become who I swore I would never be... Was it really that bad? I was not doing anything illegal per say. Some may say that I was pretty mainstream... which is true! I was living the American dream. And for some, it might be OK. To me, it was going against my inner most values... and it made me sick! I had to get really sick and be forced to look at my life differently to find meaning - or at least to start looking for it. I had to be really scare for my future health and life to realize I was going the wrong way.
And even then, it did not happen overnight... I resisted, I felt like life was not fair, I asked "why me?" so many times... and cried myself to sleep more often then I ever thought would be possible... until I was ready to change, ready to see that maybe MS was not the problem but the light at the end of the tunnel! Perhaps MS had been in my life to redirect me to the person I wanted to be... to make me see that I had grown away from myself! I needed to find my way back...
Which I did... with the help of yoga, meditation, Reiki, nutrition, lifestyle changes.
I have realize doing the above flow chart and a few brainstorming that all the life changes I made, were to manage and heal MS but they were also to bring me back to be and environmentalist like I was as a teenager and young adult. The way I eat, being a minimalist, my activities, hobbies all bring me back to that! All the time! Over and over again!
It brought me to write this blog and publish my book. However, still being in the "American dream" mindset, I figured I had to go big or go home! And up until very recently, my focus was on numbers, on Likes, on share, on page view, on finding ways to be more out there! To get "famous" and help more people... to go viral or have trending...
But that too was making me kind of miserable... I am quite content with being low profile... quite happy with not having hundreds of emails to answer every day... pretty satisfy with the random nice comment I get from you guys!
I have come to realize in the last few months that what most might call a mediocre life is plenty for me. I am looking for peace and quiet... I am looking to help those who want to be helped - not to force change on anyone. I have to believe that those who find their ways to me, I can help and will gladly share what I know to do so.
I like this quote I saw a few months back, it actually started a major shift in me:
" Lighthouses don't go running all over a island looking for boats to save, they just stand there shining" Annie Lamott
Perhaps this is all I need to do... be a lighthouse, shine and wait. However many boats find their way to me will be enough. And those boats will go in their own directions after and keep on sharing... and perhaps this is how sustainable change happens: when people are ready.
I no longer worry for my "legacy"... I have been on this planet, some will remember me, some won't... and that's OK. I am trying to live my life to be the best version of myself. This is all I can do. I have to admit my limitations - whether they are self made or not... I am an introvert... deeply introvert. I like my peace and quiet and this is where I thrive... so what if I do not "go big"... I am already home!
Now what? Well nothing really... no big changes! No announcement! It will be me. More of me. Just like you already know me.
More of the same.
And I like that.
It makes me feel at peace.
I am satisfied.
And, what about you? Does this blog post spark anything?
if you liked what you read, please share...
Chloe 💜&✌
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