My soldier

I never wrote about this. Because I was not ready to go there yet.

Being a mom is hard. It's the job of a lifetime.  Te most demanding job you'll ever have.  There are no 40h a week or part-time, no Holidays, no vacation, no time off EVER!!!

When my son was born it almost took both our lives...  but we both survived. It created that connection.  I knew then, that the only work that would really matter was being the best mom I could to that little boy. I had to let this boy become who he wanted to be - the best version of himself.

In order to do that.  In order to keep my promise, I had to turn my life upside down for so many reasons.  But this post is not about how I did that...

It is rather about the fact that my son is a soldier.

I know, I get it a LOT!!!  Your SON?  A soldier???  HOW???

Well, it is what it is.  And let me tell you how it happened...

A few months after he turned 13th, while he was in 8th grade, he came to me one night and said "I am going to be in the army when I grow up".  To which I replied "OK, we'll talk about it later, you are too young now". Thinking that it would give me 5 years to change his mind...  I have no idea how I thought I could change his mind...  If you think I am stubborn, well he beats me! And quite frankly, it should not have been a surprise...  and it wasn't really, I just didn't wanted to see it.

At 12, this little boy already knew more about WWI and WWII that pretty much anyone who had not lived through them and certainly more then even some who lived through it... He knew about which country was against which other, the allied, the enemies, when they joined the war and why...  Which weapons, tanks and airplanes were used.... a pretty good idea of the number of lives taken... To my greatest despair, anytime I would bring him to a book store to try and have him read something he would chose a book on either of those wars...  a documentary?  Had to be on WWI or WWII to have him watch it... and don't get me started on presentations and researches at school - all about that too!!!

Where it surprised me, is that this boy, has always been very pacifist...  he would resolve conflict at school, he absolutely adores animals and never got into a fight!!! He took yoga with me and did meditation... he is all about healing lights and energy like my husband...  past lives and karma!  He even has a Tibetan Om tattooed on his shoulder - it was his first tattoo!

Going back, a year later, at 14, we had moved away from home and he wanted to join the cadets - saying it would help him join the army.  I agreed... I didn't think he would survive the cadets - shining the boots, putting on a uniform, standing so so straight... standing up for so long, staying still... but he LOVED it!!!  And I saw him, through the cadet program evolve, mature, get more disciplined and goal oriented...  and he finally got self-confidence! It was truly a blessing.

No matter which sports he did as a kid, he was always pretty average at it or above average but it never got him self-confidence.  We had him tried a lot of sports and activities - he took drawing, guitar, piano, yoga, tennis, badminton, swimming, soccer, judo...  he had all kinds of different summer camps at the local zoo, on art, sports...  nothing worked like the cadets to bring up his self-confidence.

I still presented him with options career and jobs wise when he was between 13 and 16th...  but nothing interested him really.  Nothing was of a deep enough interest for him to excel at it!  Even though he was quite good at many non-academic stuff, it never became a passion.

The only thing he was, and still is, passionate about was the army.

Eventually he went on the Internet and found all the information to apply to the army.  Figured out he could join the Reserve at 16. He was then a little over 15.  So it came back to haunt me... it scared the shit out of me... REALLY.  So we talked it through... I wanted to make sure he was not overly frustrated and had some buried agressivity coming from a broken home... but he kept showing me pictures and texts and videos of amazing thing soldiers do aside from going to war... and he explained why they go to war...  and his convincing argument was "mom, you say you want to change the world, and what you do is cool but there is another way to change it and we need an army and we need people to sacrifice their life and freedom so that you can have yours and live your life the way you do - we need soldier to protect woman and kids, people to build villages and schools..."

After that,  even though he knew and respected that I was never going to be "pro-war" and that I respected his well researched decision, we agreed that on the day of his 16th birthday we would go to the recruitment center and he would apply.  He needed me to sign for him. He said it was his best birthday gift ever. To me, it was the more costly ever.

Moving along, here we are, 19 months after his oath. He his the happiest 18th year old boy I have ever seen...  he loves his jobs which he does full time.  After graduating high school he started working full time with the Reserve.  He his now awaiting his transfer to the Regular Forces and cannot wait to get even more into it.  Honestly, adolescence was almost nonexistent...  pretty easy ride compare to what I was told I should expect!

He has become a young man, miles away from the 13th years old boy saying he wanted to join the army when he grew up. He is responsible, serious, dependable, self-confident and opinionated - he knows this is what he wants to do.  He has found friends and a "family".  People he cares for, people who are there for him, people who's life may one day depend on him but also people who may one day save his life...

I am really proud of his progress.  I am happy he already found what he wants to be when he grows up - I still have no clue and  I am 46!  It shows I did what I promise myself when he was born: I helped him realize his dream and true potential...

I am still against war.
I am still a peace & love hippie freak...

And I am SO INCREDIBLY scared of what could happen to him...
But I know, this is what he wants,  I know he's not going to be stupid.
And we all know the dangers.
I have to trust him.  And life.

I have to let go.
It is a wonderful gift to have such a healthy, responsible and happy son.
But it is also a curse... in a way.  I will never be sure he is safe. Ever.

They say your kids do not belong to you... and I totally agree... but sometime,  I just wish he would have "belonged" to me a little longer...

I am now part-time living with an almost man3soldier3kid who is only 18 years old!

This is all very confusing...
There are never any script written to be a mom...  but there surely is nothing around me resembling the role I have to play now.  I am making up as I go...  hoping I am doing an OK job...

wishing you all of you guys a safe and happy Holiday season...

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Chloe 💜&✌