About perfection

Yesterday I published something on social media to the effect that I had somewhat failed my No Spend November and One Year Shopping ban on clothes (even of there is 11 months of it left)...  because I gave in and bought a pair of pants and a skirt - both for fall/winter.

I felt like I had let down people...

The responses I got were not at all what I was expecting.  You guys were awesome, forgiving, understanding and supporting.  I am not use to that. I love you guys.  Thank you.

Although my husband said that it showed I was only Human... and honest, I still felt like somehow, I failed.  Again.

He is supporting me in all those crazy challenges and changes I make to our household...  never really questioning, or saying I am just being plain crazy.  And I can be.  I know.

But sometimes he asked me one very precise, direct and appropriate question... and because I really consider all the feedback I get, even more so if it comes from him, I always think it through.  Most times, he really hits a nerve... and annoys me in a sense but once I meditate on it and ponder, I can see the answer... and it allows me to evolve.  A lot.

They say that people who do not talk much, when they do, you should listen.  My husband is one of those guys.

Yesterday he asked me "why are you so hard on yourself?".

I didn't know.  Because this is what I do.  This is what I always did.

But at the same time, I cannot consider myself  a perfectionist.  Not at all.  If no one is watching, I am all over the place, I start things and do not finish, good enough is more than enough, I like to try stuff but stop if I no longer like it for any reason, and I am free spirited...

If no one was ever watching, I would be much "less hard on myself"...  I do not care as much as I would like too... I like to work on myself and get to a better version of me but a version of me that do not drives me crazy... or is so demanding...

So the answer to his question is:  to impress people I do not really care about anymore. People who judged me to be without ambition and not good enough.

For example, when I was posting a lot about food and veganism, I would make all those recipes, try all those things... I had books, web site, lists...  I would take picture, send recipes to people asking... but I hated it.  I hate cooking.  I hate having to follow a complicated recipe.  To me, it it has more then 10 ingredients and requires more then 20 minutes of work, it is too complicated! I like to make simple plant-based meals. I just truly believe that this is the healthiest way to do for us and for the planet. And by convincing everyone and sharing so much, I would convert people to veganism...  and therefore be a good person, a likable person...  someone with ambition and someone who succeeded...  but quite frankly, I was not doing it for me.  So I stopped.

Then I went on the next thing...  minimalism, then yoga, followed by reading, followed by knitting, and by camping, and then came no spend month, and shopping bans...

I really truly like all those things.
For me.
They make me feel good, they help me relax and stay healthy...

I do yoga, read, write, walk, knit almost all daily... but I also watch Netflix! Because I like it.

And I am pretty sure all those things can also help many others... I know it does. So I share.
But I just can't excel at any of it.
Because it is not me.

So why do I keep trying?
Because I was raised that way.  I was conditioned to be the best.  At anything.  But it truly annoys me... and I have long ago, so I thought, came to peace with it.  But is seems like it resurfaces every now and then.

I just like to do my stuff.  My way.

I am not a white or black person.  I am all shades of grey.

I'd like to be the "perfect" vegan... and even thought I never eat meat, fish, poultry and cheese...  I can eat eggs... and I will not say no to a warm croissant even if I know it has butter... or a piece of Turtles or caramel M&M. I do not wear fur, or wool or leather jacket but my best boots are made of leather. Being the perfect vegan is just to demanding for me.

I'd like to be the "perfect" minimalist but I like clothes...  too much doesn't make me happy, but never will I own only 20 pieces of timeless clothes....timeless is not for me.  I like colors and boho like and funky clothes... I also like thrifting but sometimes buying a new piece in a fast fashion store feels good! Even if ethically it's a no-no! What if I really do wear it for many many years? Which is almost always the case... can't I look the other way on some occasion???

I'd like to do a "perfect" clothes shopping ban or no spend month...  but I got to be honest, I can be careful but I do believe that some occasion will not happen the next month... for example, the Christmas market is in November... there will not be one in December...  should I just deprive myself of buying home made local gifts?!?  We have no serious debt issues, our budget more then plenty cover our expenses and gives room for emergency and vacations and activities...  For sure I'd like to finally have an emergency fund but do I have to come up with it in 6 months? What if it took me a year to come up with it?  I never had one and we use to have so many debts and no room on our credit card...  We've come a long way...  And we'll keep on going because we have the same objectives...

As for knitting, I do leg warmers, and sleeves and scarves... because they are easy.  Following a pattern is not relaxing.  You have to count and keep track and focus...  I knit to relax. Period.

I'd like to be the "perfect" yogi.  I do have my almost daily home practice and meditation.  I try and follow the principles as much as I can... But I do not have a teacher training, I never went to an Ashram in India or did a silent retreat... and maybe one day I'll be there and maybe not...  but that's OK.  I never read the Sutras or Baghava Gita. Yoga has made me a better person.  A calmer person.  It has helped me manage my stress and get to know me better...  made me realize that I am not black and white... and there is no sense beating myself over it.  Most of the time.

I'd like to be the "perfect" reader.  But come on, some of those classics are really boring! They just ramble on and on....  like the author didn't even know where he was going. And some of the new published books are truly amazing! I am not into romance novel (even as I kid, I didn't like fairy tales) or thrillers (stresses me out to much) but I like to read just about anything else... as long as it keeps me awake! And sometimes I just do not finish a book.  Or I fast-read it. I'm OK with that.

Maybe no one is perfect.
Or maybe it's just me.

But I have to come to term with the fact that I am not a perfectionist.
I no longer want to try to prove anyone that I can be.

I am grey.  And happy to be. Ggrey goes with all colors...  Right?

I can be just enough of vegan, minimalist, yogi, camping girl, bohemian at times and wanderer at others...

Maybe the next challenge I join should be to "not strive for perfection to try and impress people I do not care about"???

What do you guys think?

After all, there is so much this girl can do without driving herself crazy and be unhappy.

I chose flaws.  I chose imperfection. I chose happiness.

Chloe 💜&✌