14 years ago we both almost did not make it... and we were both born... the first time for him and a second for me.
Because his dad never wanted to speak with me (in the 20 months we stayed together after he was born) about what happen at the time I gave birth, I am missing a lot of informations... all I know is the few words the doctor told me when he came into my room the day after, saying: " well you really scared everone here... and we are now sure we'll keep you alive. You're lucky you were giving birth here, not at home... or else you and your son would no longer be with us." And that I had a severe case of eclampsia, that in 25 years bringing babies to this world he had never seen... or heard of!
This is all I will write about that day... and the followings... because even though I was technically alive, there were a few more complications ahead... What I am more willing to share here and now is what this resulted in... Knowing that I almost died, changed something in me... something that perhaps only people who lived a similar experience can understand.
I remember clearly 3 events that shaped up the rest of my life... those 3 events happened within 15 months I had given birth to my son...
1) The day I went back home, I was looking at everything on the road while his dad was driving... brigdes, trees, cars... and my son... thinking that I was so close to not have ever seen any of this again... and tears were rolling out of my eyes... quietly... because from that moment I got a feeling that I was alone in this with my son... Everything looked more beautiful and important to me... and for months, I would look at things and people differently... and it never really stopped I guess if you see all the changes I made in my life after.
2) One day, when I was still on maternity leave (in those days we only had 6 months) and I was waiting in the park close to our home for his dad to come back...late as usual... I remember thinking that I was so tired... and so overwhelmed... that I loved my son so very much but that some things needed to change because I could not spend my life waiting for someone... but it was still unclear at how this would happen as I could not see myself leave... I knew I didn't want to feel unhappy anymore...
3) About 15 months after giving birth, I was upstair in my bedroom while my son was nappping and I was looking at the window.... I was in a "chic" area of Montreal by then... expensive houses... filled with lawyers, doctors, business man and dentists... and some middle class people with higher paying jobs and willing to make sacrifices to live in a nice area like this one. I remember how all of this seem to be like a movie... I was watching "something" that I did not feel part of... like I was an outsider... and like I knew it would not last... And standing there by the window, I remember asking my gardian angel for help... for a sign of what to do... and the sign came a few months later...
All this to say that the fact that my son was born and that I almost died, changed my life forever... Of course having a kid, changes everyone's life forever... but the fact that I almost did not make it... makes is ever worse... For a long time I was stuck in the desire to do well as a parent... because I was responsible for another's person life and well being (a feeling most parent will recognize)... but I also had to struggle with realising the my life too was important... that me not being there or being fundamentally unhappy would have a great impact on his life too. Therefore being a good parent is not just provinding for food, shelter, clothes, education... or games and toys... vacations and activities.... it is SO MUCH MORE!!!
And I know that you may already know all that... but I also know that sometimes we forget.... and because Spetember 8th is the day my son was born and the day I was given a second chance, I can never forget it... everytime I look into his eyes, I see both our lives beginning at the same time...
To me, being a parent is more then was is conventionnaly perceive as being a parent. I want to teach my son to be:
free
wild
follow his dreams
not let anyone or anything stop him - not even me!
respect his life and the life of others and the planet by seeing me do so
and I know that some people do not understand us coming to Moncton away from everyone we knew... but that was part of what I wanted to show him... freedom... you can love people even if you're not with them... you should be happy first and then people who loves you will be too and understand... and respect your choices...
And it is working... ever since we came here, I can see my son less stress... more free... laugh more... speaking more openly of his thoughts and desires... sleeping better then ever... putting things in place to follow his dream... and a new sparkle in his eyes...
and he also let go of some of the things he was keeping for memories only (without me even asking him to do so)... but had no other attachment too then souvenirs of the past... he asked me to take a picture of those things and said that he could always look at the pictures if he has forgotten the events these objects reminded him off... how mature for his age?!?
Happy birthday Cedric!
Thanks for giving me my life back...
Thanks for teaching me so many things...
You are a yound man with an old soul and I needed your wisdom to learn to be me and to give you the tools to be yourself!
I hope your life will be as you desire it to be...
I know you can do it!
thanks for reading!
and please share if you like this blog!!!
love&peace,
nath
xox
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That's a beautiful reflection Nath, he looks a lovely boy. You have inspired me for a post of my own. Thank you.
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