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Monday, September 15, 2014

#108 days week 12 already!

Whether I want to or not, there is only 3 1/2 weeks left to this project where I wanted to create a new life for myself... a better life!  However, I do not think it will ever end.... I will always create a new life for myself...  until I've reached my dream life... I may not be far... but I also know that nothing is ever perfect and everything changes all the time... what seems perfect now may not be in a year from now! Therefore my project #108daystoanewlife will turn into #infinitedaystoanewlife .... This is not a destinatin but a journey. Of course, as of Oct 6th, I will no longer write about that every week... but still write about me... and minimalism, veganism and being a yogi!

What I have learned is that I will no longer "stay" in a place (physical or emotional) where I am not thriving... because I know I deserve better! We all do!

I have also learned that I am a helpless peace and love freak... that I love the idea of peace on hearth... even if some may think it is impossible...  I still wish for it...  and always will... and cry when I see it is not there...

I have learned that I have more empathy and compassion then I'd like to admit...  and even people who seem to be sabotaging their own life get my sympathy and compassion... because in the end, they may be the only person responsible for their choice, but what choices do you have when you were not given any??? And if they were given a choice, were they free to choose?  Or knowledgeable enough? Did they have the right tools? No one can judge... therefore we need compassion...

It is really hard to live in this day and age and feel the pain like I do... and have compassion like I have... because I am often "crying" for things I have no control over.... and I know now why about 2 years ago I got a "crying yogi" sculpted in wood... because I feel like that crying yogi... crying over the misery of human nature and feeling helpless...  but don't get me wrong.... I do not cry all the time... and I am not unhappy!  I can be aware of the pain in this world and around me and still be happy about my own life... and laugh and have fun!  It is only when I stop to meditate and think about the state of this planet and of us human that I get sad... but I also know that I have no control over all of it... therefore I do what I can and move on! This is the thing with living here and now, you can be sad one minute when something comes to your mind but the next moment when you see a butterfly pass by you can also be really happy! The most difficult part is learning to deal with all those emotions...  changing all the time... but once you get it, it gets easier. Basically, you need to let go....  feel the emotion but not become it.

I also learned over the past week, that no matter what, I need to come first... and then my son and husband.... I cannot take care and love them as much as they deserve to if I do not take care and love myself first! For this I need to do my yoga and meditation and eat well...  but I also need to do stuff I love... like cooking and reading...  and biking.... and writing... and to do this I need time... working 40h a week and squeezing all that is nearly impossible for me who needs to manage my stress and sleep to deal with MS... therefore being a minimalist, living with less and spending less allows me to live the life I want by working less hours in a less stressful job... and still have time to do what I love... and not aggravate my condition. It is all a question of balance.... but balance required choices...

I also decided I would continue writing ebooks...  it might not sell as well as I would want to but I love doing it and people who buys them and read them actually love them....  and I love to do it and help others... and I think this is a nice way to do it! I love, I'll do it!  It is that simple.

Also, my son joined the Air Cadets from Moncton... I know... not my thing... son of a peace and love yogi freak joining the cadets... but it was his dreams... and after discussion I could see he was serious about this and understand and respect his reasons for doing it.  Would I wish he had joined a yoga studio and Green Peace instead?  Of course....  but what these past week have showned me is that everyone has a different path on this planet... for many different reasons.... sometimes it takes us a long time to know what it is... or to accept it (like me)... and in the case of my son, it is clear that his path was opened up to him very early... and even though it scares me, and brings me in a very uncomfortable zone I will help him follow it, to the best of my knowledge, and I will help him find the tools he needs to live his life and follow his path and his dreams.  I do not want to be the reason why he hides his dream and do not realise them.  This, I believe, is the role of a good parent.... not to push their kids into their own, hidden dreams... but help them find and realise their own. It might be the most difficult part of being a parent... because it means realising that our kids may not be like us... or how we would like them to be... but it is a great lesson in unconditional love... and respect. It also means learning to let go... and that our kids do not belong to us... even though we call them "our" kids... they are with us for a while and then off to live their lives. 

Once again a week very high in emotion for many reasons...  but I can see things clearing up... I can see my mind and actions becoming more free... caring less about what others think and say...  I can see myself emerging into a "new" person (to many... but a very well known one to me)... that I kept hidden for so long out of fear... and I refuse to do this still.  I now have the courage to live my life... and this is partly due to the work I have been doing on myself but I know it is also partly due to the unconditional love of my son and husband who support me in all my craziness... we are ultimately 3 very similar people in our hopes and dreams but very different in the way we live them...  this makes all of this adventure very interesting!  And a great learning experience...

thanks for reading!
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