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Friday, July 18, 2014

108 days: Day 28! 4th and worst week so far

Week 4 ends tonight at midnight!  Can't wait.  This has been the most challenging yet.
Let me tell you why... 

Diet is good!  Even if I am craving store bought cookies or candies and even if I dangerously hang out in those section of the grocery store I am not giving in.  I know the craving will go eventually. In the mean time I eat them with my eyes... 

Journaling is good to. I am writing every day...  sometimes not so extensively but I do write something.

Not shopping is working out to.  However tempted I am to buy clothes because I know there are discounts this time of year AND my closet has been emptied a lot with my changing hair color...  I did not give in that either.

Plant is doing well...  and even has some tiny baby leaves coming out!

I got inspired to work on another project - You'll know more about it in sometimes in September.

I have started discussion with a yoga studio for an exiting project.

I didn't get the job I was telling you about last Friday - and that's OK. I don't think I would have been really happy there... I had applied more for the money! Old patterns....  I came here for a different life - why are old patterns so easy to fall back into?

I applied on more jobs and I am waiting to hear from them. jobs I would actually love to do and are more in tune with my personality.

Husband LOVES his job!!!  He has to bike 40 min to and from work every day and works between 10-12 hours for very little money but I have never seen him happier!!!  That is why we came here.... he is an inspiration to me!

Now all that seems really nice... and it is... but there are always 2 sides... and here's the other... the darker side.

Yoga practice - after 12 consecutive days I skipped one practice (and I haven't done today yet - but I know it is still early).  My shoulder was hurting... my physical, mental and spiritual bodies needed a break.  Maybe 21 days non-stop of yoga is not for me. Or not for me at this time.  There is a reason why they recommend a regular practice to be 5-6 days a week. This yoga practice is also playing tricks with me... like I expected it to do.
1) I do not see things the same way.
2) I am much more confident in the Universe or Life or whatever you want to call it.
3) I have a new aura...  I am shinning from within I was told. And I can feel it.
4) My body is changing.
5) My face is changing - less tense and less wrinkles.
6) I feel relaxed and happy.

It has giving me hint to new projects...  new ideas....  it also brought me to realise that I am not ready to work from home full time.  I need the people connection.  When I was in Montreal, I had the chance to meet with friends and family once or twice a week...  Not much but all I needed. Here, I yet have no friends... and friends are hard to make when you stay home! Of course there are the occasional discussion with an elderly person or a bus driver... or the Starbucks barista but not quite the same...  It's a good thing I have my husband is here with me at least for the evenings... we can talk at that time.

For that reason I started applying to part time jobs I have interests in... that will help me with getting to know people and a sense of fulfilment.  We'll see how that goes.  I am not rushed... financially we are fine until the end of September...  I want to find the right thing... not just anything.

On another note, my son has been gone for 2 weeks... and husband started working also therefore those last 2 weeks I have been feeling very lonely...  I write, grocery shop, cook, bake, do yoga, laundry...  but something is missing...  I know it'll get better...  it's a transition...  but still, now that I am going through it, there are some hard times.

Today I emptied all my clothes and tried them all... for all 4 seasons... in new combinations... with a very criticizing eye in my full length mirror. I check the outfits, the skin tone and hair color...  I selected what I wanted to keep and put a few items aside to ask my husband his opinion. All the clothes are still on the bed... he will wonder what happened when he walks in!
I selected new rules to my minimalist wardrobe.  I think I finally know what I want to look like in clothes... what image I want to convey... It took years but I made it.  And from now on, shopping and dressing will be easier... less mistakes made in getting dress or buying stuff because I love it but it has nothing to do with my style!  Going minimalist has allowed me to find a style... my style.  And style, unlike fashion in timeless...

Last but not least, my yoga practice has been helping me dealing with a few loose ends in my life.  One of them was a friendship that lasted for most of my adult life... and that I had to put an official end to.  It was the hardest thing ever.  This friend and I went through so much...  and I always thought that despite our differences we were good friends.  Well a while back she started pulling away... and it took me a while to realise it...  she would always have good excuses... to much work, tired, appointment, sleepy....  not feeling good... needing to be by herself... all things that I had lived with her before... so I accepted it...  I saw her for the last time right before Christmas and we had a great time even though we had not seen each other in over 4 months (we had never stayed apart so long)...  then after Christmas, I asked her to meet with me on 3 occasions... one to announce her the big news of me moving to Moncton and 2 other times when I was really struggling... well in May, she still did not have time for any of that! I accepted her excuses... and express my desire to see her before I left... she couldn't find time for that...  but she had time for all her regular stuff...  I got tired of begging for her friendship... and realise that maybe we'd grown apart...  I told her how I felt and we ended up saying goodbye. I wish she would have told me how she felt... why she pulled away.  But this is not who she is.  She'd rather use white lies then hurt by saying the truth.  She has always been like that. I should have known better. I have an idea. But I am unsure and now I will never know.

I know you shouldn't hang on to people... not anymore then stuff or work or anything... but I have let so many people go in my life...  I didn't want to let go of her...  but I know it is life... I know people move in and out of your life.  For a reason... or a season... rarely for a lifetime.

I am grateful for all the people I met and all the new real or virtual friends I made over the last 18 months but it doesn't put out the pain or loosing someone you knew for so long and were so close to.  I now it is a mourning process...  it will take time.  But it will be all right.

When I started this 108 days project, I knew a lot would happen...  it had to.  I also told you I would be honest all the way.  This is what I am doing now.  I am opening up...  my life may seem inspiring and interesting to some of you... as per the feedback I get... but it still has it's up and downs...  I am struggling like all of you... and I try to make the best out of it. I move on...  I carry on... and this is what makes me who I am...

As I am moving on to week 5, I am starting my 21 days without television.  I am proud to say, that I already am 14 days free television!  Since my son left I did not watch it.  I will still do those 21 days and it will bring the total to 35 days! Why not?  I really don't miss it at all!  there are so many things to do...  other then watching other's people lives.

There are 2 challenges that are worrying me:  the tattoo... and the Treego...  I know there are still many days but they are really scary to me. I am not sure if I will overcome it. I'll see.

On that note, I have to say good bye... and try and put away some clothes before hubby gets back!

thanks for reading!
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1 comment:

  1. Hey Nath, very heartfelt. And as for the tattoo, don't let it worry ya. I have seven and they are merely an extension of yourself. Painful, yeah! But worth it, Lk,e childbirth.