What I think of Black Friday

I can't remember when it started precisely...  but I remember, one year having a friend told me that we were following into the "great foot steps of the USA" and we were starting to have a Black Friday!!!  And she was very exited about it... after she explained to me what it was, so was I. I was a VERY different person back then.  I can't even recognize myself.

This seems a million years ago...
She is no longer a friend. And I am no longer exited about Black Friday.  Those are probably related...

So for a few years, I enjoyed Black Friday.  I thought it was an amazing idea to have all those sales a month before Christmas... look at all the money I could save!!! And that way, I could beat the crowd and do all my shopping before the malls got really busy!!!

Silly me...

Back then, I am not sure about now, or if every where is the same... but most sales were for grown up stuff and we had 3 young kids... 10 and under...  so Black Friday was used to buy gifts for grown ups and mostly my husband and I... as I was a shopaholic, I spend way too much money...  that I had not budgeted for... and I still had to buy gifts for 3 kids!!! And sometimes more depending on nieces and nephews... I actually never did save money on Black Friday - I spend too much.  Way too much. Like most people do.

A few weeks later, I would go back to the mall (who am I kidding?  those days, I was at the mall pretty much every day!!! - do not judge, this is a REAL addiction unfortunately), and buy stuff for the kids and of course more stuff for me...  If I want to not look to bad, I could say that between my birthday on November 19th and Christmas, I would easily spend 1000$... If I am being more realistic, it was probably way closer to 2000$!

And guess what?  All the stuff that was on sale on Black Friday was still on sale pretty much until Christmas, then for boxing day and as end of season sale till the end of February! Right?

But it took me a while to see that...  I didn't want to see it... I needed shopping...  I had this addiction... I had to work it out, find the roots of it and heal...  I can now proudly say that as off a couple of years ago my addiction is under control.  Of course once an addict always an addict but I try and keep it in the back of my closet (which is now much more empty)...  I gave myself tricks and tools... but this is not the subject of this post...

So today, Black Friday, which has turned into a week and then pre-Black Friday sales and Black Friday month for some store...  just like Boxing day is now Boxing week... I stay away from stores... and this No Spend November is of great help!  I think No Spend November will be an annual thing from now on...

I understand that in some instances, it can be smart to get something on that day, or week, or pre-day! Hahaha! But if, and only if, you absolutely need ( an actual real need) for an item that you know the actual regular price and is it really greatly discounted and you have the money for it...  If all those conditions are there, go for it! But don't fall into the idiots trap that you need something and the this is a once in a lifetime offer... because you probably do not really need it and the price is probably not a once in a lifetime offer!

See, companies and stores, spend billions of dollars each year to convince us that we need stuff, more stuff, new stuff, prettier stuff, unique stuff, never before seen stuff...  and it works!  Of course it does... and don't think you are above it!  No one is.  Some are as close as it gets because they became aware of the trap and opted out of it but it's a constant fight.  Trust me.  Marketing companies have teams of specialists to insure they play with your brains in all the right ways (Have you ever seen an add where people are fat, ugly, poor, unhappy, sick, miserable???).  If it didn't work, our economic system would collapse...  and if you ask me, we'd be better off for so many reasons, but I bet most people would disagree.

So those billions of dollars are spend to convince you to buy stuff you do not need, with money you do not really have, to impress people you do not really like... and it works.  Over and over again.

If you want to break free of that cycle, here's one of my trick...

Thoreau said that "the price of anything is the amount of life exchanged for it".

And that makes SO. MUCH. SENSE.

For example, let's say you really want that sweater that is half priced at 60$, and you earn 18$ an hour (gross), after all the deductions, you net hourly wage is 14.40$.  This means your sweater cost you just about 4h of work... is it really worth it???  If you start doing this for everything you buy, it does put things into perspective... it allows you to prioritize where you wish to spend your money and it you really do the math and can actually decrease your spending enough, perhaps you could do something else with that money...  travel, work part time, take a sabbatical in a few years or maybe even retire early...

Get down to your calculator guys!  Do the math.  Prioritize. And you'll have the life YOU always dreamed off.

Stay away from Black Friday.  Please.

if you liked this post, do not forget to subscribe at the top of the page and share!!!



Chloe 💜&✌

Not always easy...

I will dare do what very few people do...  yet again one might think...

I don't know if you think about this or have realized it but you probably did...  when you look at social media, everything is always so pretty... rarely do you see a picture of someone right out of bed on a bad morning... or a couple fighting... or kids screaming their head out...  or people dying (unless it has to do with "smoking is bad for you")... or bad things happening to good people...  rarely will someone post about having to spend their vacation in because they had to get braces for their kids and just lost their job... and yet, all these are real life shit.  It happens. To real people.  Everyday.

Social media have become the Joneses

Same for blogs...  I use to follow tons of blogs written by people that are vegan, minimalist, frugal, healthy eating, better living...  etc...  All those blogger, or the vast majority of them seemed flawless... they had it all figured out! Like all those happy pretty go lucky people on social media!  They talk about their amazing results... paying off their debt, losing tons of weight, fighting off cancer, having publish their 10th book, traveling the world...  like there is no limit.

And I got annoyed....

It made me feel as if I was the only one having some bad days.  Ever.

Yeah yeah, yeah... I know the secret.  The Universe is limitless.  You can do anything. Everything happens when you really want it to...  you attract what you send out... and so on... but COME ON!!!

Everyone slip and fail sometimes...  Life is not a straight line, working toward a goal is not a straight line.  There are ups and downs... and detours.

So I started unfollow people, unsubscribe to some blogs...  people who seemed fake, too good to be true...  people who were so into their image that they would not let the flaws shine through. And is it me or messy and flaw is really sexy???

Of course I follow positive people, I like pretty pictures of nature and stuff but I also want honesty, and feel like you are not lying to me or hiding the big mess behind.

I am all for pretty.
I am all for honesty.
I am all for authenticity.
I think they can co-exist.

The truth is, the Universe IS limitless.  But Humans are not.  We have backgrounds, and the right connections or not, we all have patterns and conditioning that we need to sort out...  we all do it at our own pace.  And no one is always in a good mood and stress free and THAT pretty! NO ONE.  Ever!

So if I am following you, I want so see the good of course as source of motivation and hope, but I also want to see the bad and the ugly.  What have your struggles been? Where did you fail? When did you wanted to give up?  Why did you? Or did you not?

I try and be positive all the time.  I try and post only nice things.  Because I feel like this is what will attract more followers, more like, more readers... but quite frankly, on some days it is just to damn hard.  And I let the messy out and I've notice that those are actually the post that seem to be read the most! It feels like I am not the only one looking for authenticity.  And I think, that I will stay positive and motivating but I will be a little more true, a little more honest, a little more authentic.

Today is one of those days.  A messy one.  One where I wonder why I bother so much?  Why I try to not waste food, and not spend money and buy ethical clothes... Why do I always watch what I eat? Why am I so strict with my writing and reading and yoga practice? WHY??? I really do wonder! 

WHY THE f@#K DO I BOTHER???

(and then I write here and it becomes more clear)

But it doesn't mean I am giving up... I know why I do it.  I know it matters to me.  And is the most important thing.  You and I  have to do what matters to you and I.

I bother because I live with a chronic illness and if I am not that discipline, I would not be as healthy as I am now - I have to avoid certain food, stay as lean as I can, do my yoga to manage stress, write because it helps me to get rid of my patterns and conditioning, read because it keeps my brain active, allows me to learn more and also is a way to run away from reality sometimes...

I don't want to waste food because people are starving all over the world so who am I to waste the food that could save their life?

I bother because no one should develop a nervous system disorder because "those jeans are so pretty" or "this actress wears that dress"... and kids should be kids, not slave of clothes manufacturing  industry - no matter where they were born.

And I could go on and on...  there are so many things that could go better on this planet...

I have to care... and so do you.

BUT IT IS NOT EASY.
Nothing ever worth doing is.

Of course, when I feel down, it would be easier to stuff my face at McDonald's and grab the credit card and go on a shopping spree... easier on the short run (I use to do it I know).  But not on the long one.  And I am planning on being here for the long run.  So I take the rough way.  I don't always succeed...  I fail...  and try again... and again.  For example, when I set out to do a No Spend November but end up with 3 red days - I could have hidden it from you - who would have know?  I would.  I like honesty and authenticity in others but mostly in myself.  So this No Spend Month will have to get another try...  until I get it!

So how do I do it?

I keep my objectives in mind.  I write them every where.  I repeat them all the time.

And when I want to give up, I breathe.  And cry.  I do cry.  A LOT!!!

And let it pass...  because it always does.  And then I get better. And I keep on trying.

For those of you who have witness a baby wanting to stand up and walk...  have you ever seen one just standing up and walk a mile on the very day they decide to do it? of course not... they grab on something to first learn to stand up...  and fall... then they walk assisted...  and fall again.. and then, days or weeks  (sometimes months) later, they are on their own... but they still fall when going to fast or trying to run... for a few years...

Well tell yourself this, anything you set out to do is like a baby learning to walk... it takes time, dedication and you will fall.  Unless you are not human.  Or a liar.

On that note, I will go read a book...  to just feel good and forgot all about my messy life... cuz today, it is what it feels like:  a big messy one!

Even if I know I have tons of people around me to be grateful for. And overall a pretty awesome life.

If you liked this please share... tks

Chloe 💜&✌

No spend November - halfway done!!!

I decided to do a No Spend November. It just made sense.  here's why.

1) For years now, I have been boycotting Black Friday.
2) On October 11th, I declared a year long clothes shopping ban.
3) I have a very small debt of 2261$ left that I wish to repay ASAP
4) My husband and I have a big mid term goal and we need to focus to get it done right

I thought it would be difficult...  much more than it actually is.  We are half way through and I think we are doing great.

We have had:

7 no spend days
6 days spending money for budgeted stuff i.e. food, Starbucks, rent, utilities
2 red days.

These, I need to explain a little.  The first one, as you can see was on November 3rd.  I was not impressed.  Actually, quite upset. My husband had forgotten that he badly needed rain gear for hiking. I agreed and bought it.  Well, to this date, the rain gear has not arrived and we now have snow, so I am pretty sure that by the time it comes here, it won't be use for a few months until spring shows up. It's done now so move on. The second day, the car broke and it could not wait to be fix.  Something to do with the direction.  Safety first, we got it fixed.

These are not excuses, they are facts.  From those facts, I learned a few things...  I am really poor at budgeting.   I want my budget to be so low, that it is not realistic. And then, when life happens, well, we're screwed - because all that extra money we thought we had we ended up spending on God knows what.

I also realize that I'd rather pay my bills and buy food and load up my Starbucks card on the same days when possible...  having as many dark green days (0$ spend days) in a row as I can is really stimulating and exiting!  I do realize that having to deal with really crazy weather lately, it is not always possible to go out and buy our food when we'd like...  I have to accept that.

Another thing I am learning is that my food budget, which for me includes toiletries and cleaning product and all that stuff you need in a home, is not realistic.  I am pretty set on how much it costs us to eat.  And I try an squeeze all the other stuff in there, but on those months where, for some reason, we need to buy everything there is simply not enough.  And that is this month.  As a result, I am already expecting to exceed my food budget by a little. I also realized that I am better off taking out the money for food at the beginning of the month and pay cash - seeing the pile of money decreasing makes me more conscious of what I buy. Also, the no food waste challenge has HELPED a lot with lowering my food budget - it's amazing how when you don't throw food away, you need to buy less!  You should try it! Unless you are already there.  I was not.  At all. Not even close.

Another thing, is when we group our purchases on a few days, we end up using the car much less which in turns saves us on gas! So far, we are halfway through the month and we have not use 1/3 of the gas we use on those months where we don't go anywhere special.

Moving forward, I am planning my budget for December now.  I have increased my food budget to include toiletries. I also will plan for Christmas - a few gifts, a movie, a restaurant...  you know! I don't want Christmas to be red days!  As, even though I will take  little break in December, we will still monitor our finances really closely.

My husband and I are also discussing the way to make the budget and track our finances starting January 2019 as this year will be another turning point in our lives.  We are planning on finishing off this debt and raise an emergency fund.  We will plan better stuff like license plates and driver's license, annual National Park access pass, car maintenance and repairs, socks and underwear replacement, a little money for hobbies and activities...  By now, we know what we like to do at what time of the year so it's easy to plan accordingly.  I also think that if we track everything for a year, I 'll figure out what we miss or forget and will eventually come up with a budget that reflects our life...  and allow us, once we have the emergency fund in place to have all kind of extra money to travel!

We elected ME manager of finances!  A role I've had for a while but never took seriously...  Now, with this no spend November, I am getting dead serious about finances. I am proving that I can step up to the challenge, learn to say "No, this has to wait" and use the same discipline I have in other areas of my life to get us back on track money wise - although we are not very far.  I know that. But with that little extra control over money, we'll be able to do more of the stuff we love!

By the end of November, I will get back to you and let you know all the other great and exiting stuff we are planning!!!

Can I ask you a favor?  I know I am not writing this blog as a competition to get a million readers... but a little more would be nice...  so if you do like what you read, can you please share it???
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Chloe 💜&✌

Update on clothes shopping ban

Earlier in September I declared a month long shopping ban which, a few weeks later,  turned into a year long shopping ban.

The initial one had forced me into looking more closely at my wardrobe and made me realize that, once again, I ended up with too many clothes.  Way too many.  Even though over the years I had learn to wear 80% of my clothes, 80% of the time (contrary to most people who wear 20% of their clothes, 80 % of the time), I could only do so because I would change my outfit twice per day! It didn't made sense.  Also, I would sometimes force myself to wear something so that I can claim I am wearing ALL my clothes! Stupid! I KNOW!!! It also made me see that I had not broke free of the endless cycle:  buy clothes, wear clothes, purge wardrobe, rinse and repeat. My actual addiction to clothes was STILL there. My spending money on clothes was still to much.  Way too much.  Even though I can afford it, maybe I'd like to have more funds available for more experiences! Thrifting and sales were not a reason to get more - they are meant to spend less.  My wardrobe, my clothes and my outfits were actually defining me.  It seemed way too superficial for what I wanted to achieve... for who I want to be.

I always have in the back of my head those words from Charlize Theron in Sweet November: "...clothes are just meant to cover your body...".  It is so RIGHT.  So very smart and sometimes I have to admit I watch the movie only for that... as a reminder.  Plus the super timeless funky outfits! You can, even with a smaller wardrobe, cover your body in style!

So I started looking into ways to break the cycle... the endless cycle, and as it turns out, every one said to do a year long shopping ban on clothes.  So I opted for it...  I did try it before but it was way too early in my recovery so it failed...  and failed... and failed.  Again. This time around, I am happy to say that besides the winter boots and hat I had included in my exceptions, as I really needed them where I live, I have stayed clear of buying clothes. Almost two months.  I actually have no desire to buy clothes. Honestly.

When I set out to do the challenge initially, I had many items...  and when I looked into options to break the cycle, I also realize that hanging on to everything "just because" no longer made sense... I also came across a strict method to curate my closet.  It took my a week of "let's do this" and then "but you'll have nothing left and you'll have to buy but you can't"...  but I finally decided to do it.  No matter what.  I emptied my closet and put everything on my bed. EVERYTHING.  I then tried everything on because I knew that I had lost 12lbs over the summer and that obviously some clothes would no longer fit...  even though I tried to make them fit pretexting they were just a more baggy, relaxed look! To help me out I used the following questions:

1) Do I really like this item?  Would I buy it again?
2) Do I force myself to wear this?
3) Is there something in my schedule requiring such an item? (eg, formal dress)
4) Is this the actual me or the "old" me that I am hanging on to?
5) Does it really fit me?

and forced myself to be brutally honest. It took a couple of hours... but,

I ended up donating 1/3 of my closet and putting aside a few more items just in case - but by the end of my shopping ban, if I did not go back to wear them they will also be donated.  I also put all my hangers backwards and every time I wear something I turn it around.  This will ensure that I wear everything in my closet over a year. So far, so good!

Looking more closely into my wardrobe and being really honest was hard.  Really hard.  However, really eye opening. It gave results and it kind of help me realize that I had some clothes because they were the right thing to own, or because they reflected my age or in case I was seeing specific people (basically a disguise) or, and this is my favorite, because people would compliment me on them.  Really? Almost 46 and still looking for outside validation.  Enough.

I came to realize that I am a jeans/t-shirt/flannel shirt/ sweater/cardigan/boho tops type girl!  The simpler the better.  The more layers, the better.  I can wear long jeans, short jeans, jean skirt... most of my bottoms right now are jeans.  The only other things I really like are corduroy or velvet.  I now own very few bottoms outside jeans and I am not sure they will all make the cut.  As for footwear, Birkenstock, ankle boots, hiking boots! Period.  This is the REAL me.  This is how I am comfortable and from now on, it will be take it or leave it.

Only barely two months into my shopping ban and I feel like I have come so far!

Next in my journey, finding more sustainable ways of shopping for clothes. Wearing your clothes until they are unwearable is one option. Thrifting is another that I am aware of but sometimes it feels nice to get something new right? There must be stores out there that have good quality jeans or other stuff I like, ethically made at a decent price...  I will research that and I will also look at the documentary "The true cost" again as if I recall correctly they were hinting at better options!

Have you gone through your wardrobe recently and pin point at the ghosts in it?

Chloe 💜&✌

How I managed to have no food waste 2 weeks in a row...

For the longest time I wasted food... For very many reasons...  but mostly because as a kid, I was "forced" to eat my whole plate in order not to waste food... and I HATED IT!!! It was always too much and not quite stuff I liked...

So for years after I moved out, wasting food was a sign of freedom for me.  I know!  Stupidest thing EVER!!!  But still...  I could do it without anyone saying anything! Imagine.

Years passed by...  over 20 some years!

A few weeks back, after watching a documentary on how much food is wasted in America as a general rule, and how it could feed the world, I realized that I could no longer be part of that "waste"... Even though I understand that there is no direct relationship between the food I put in my garbage and starving people on our planet (I mean, I can definitely not send them my left over!), I understand that the food that I buy, creates a demand, which results in someone growing the food for me...  taking up resources, time, money...  for nothing if it ends up in the garbage!  If we all stopped wasting food, we would buy less and it would have a direct incidence on the demand and hence the production - we would either produce less or send the extras to people who are hungry.  Really hungry.  Dying hungry. If we would produce less to feed the garbage and the landfills, we could share Mother's Earth resources and feed more of us... Believe it or not, this planet has enough resources to feed 10 billion people - if, and ONLY if, we use those resources properly.  Which we are far from doing right now...

So, I decided to embark upon a challenge for a month to have no food waste...  not knowing it could be so challenging, sometimes boring (at first) but oh so rewarding and time and money saving!!!

To sum up my four weeks:

Week 1 - wasted one cucumber - to my defense, I bough it and it was already rotten inside
Week 2 - waster one green belle pepper - same reason as cucumber
Week 3 - Zero food wasted.
Week 4 - Zero food wasted.

I shared my progress on IG.

Now, some of you have been asking me HOW I did it... and asked me to share my findings...

I didn't want to at first because quite frankly, I have had a few incidents while discussing food in the past...  and I've come to believe that food is like religion or politics!  Something you do not talk about. Nonetheless, I decided to share...  because although I have a very strict and selective way of eating, my principles can be adapted to any way of eating...  and it can save you time, money an food waste no matter what you eat or not...  so bare with me, do not judge the food I eat but rather look at it from a "method" that can work for anyone... any diet plan.

First, I must say that to lower your food waste, planning is key. You need to make a grocery shopping list and plan for your menus... every week.  I can do the list, but not the menu... plus I HATE cooking! In general. As this was not my first attempt at lowering my food waste and budget, I had already did part of the work...  I got in the habit of using a grocery shopping list.  Also, to avoid having to come up with menu planning weekly and in order to spend the least time possible in the kitchen, I had, months ago, come up with a yearly menu...  stuff I eat 90% of the time.  Those recipes were made to be equilibrating, filling, healthy, mostly vegan, easy to make and not too much time consuming...  and cheap! Being versatile and easy to modify, they make sure that I can eat this way three seasons of the year and they are based on mostly locally grown and in season food.

Here is the local food I eat from fall to spring:
apples, potatoes, carrots, turnips, cabbage, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower (mostly fall), corn (mostly fall), beets, onions, garlic, bread  and eggs (the only animal derivative product I eat and a dozen last us about a month).

Additionally, I almost always have those in my home:
bananas, oranges, sweet potatoes, basmati rice, brown rice, oatmeal, chick peas, black beans, red lentils, brown lentils, short pasta, barley, canned tomatoes, nuts, seeds  and all you need for baking. Herbs and spices.

I buy my local food mostly at the farmer's market - Saturday.
When veggies are getting older, and I know I won't be using them in time, I cut them up and freeze them to be later used in soups - and make sure I don't buy then the following week at the farmer's market or in lesser quantity to be used as fresh produce only.
I use fresh bread over the week end and on Sunday night freezes what is left - some bread freeze really well and since I use it always toasted, there really is not much of a taste difference even if the freezer dries it up a little.
I buy 2-3 each bananas and oranges and eat them on the following days.
If I buy a pomegranate I prep it on the next day and refrigerate the seeds which I eat over a few days.
I make my own muffins and scones, keep a few out and freeze the rest.
I cook a big batch of black beans and chick peas (separately of course) once a month, freeze them in smaller portions and use them to make dips (hummus or black bean dip), add to soup, Buddha bowls.

Typically, on Sunday or Monday, I will cook a huge batch or soup using my fresh veggies and canned tomatoes.  I will then divide it into containers, perhaps freeze one. For most of the week, this is what we'll eat.  On different days, I will add different thing to it to make it last longer and be more filling - for example, I can add barley and black beans, or pasta and chick peas.  We can have a side of roasted potatoes or garlic bread with hummus.

Another go to for me is mashed potatoes... but not just plain old mash potatoes - first I do not use fat or milk in them!  You cook your potatoes (skin on), carrots (peel on), sweet potatoes, turnip and red lentils in water. Once cook (the red lentils will cook just as fast as your veggies and add tons of proteins and minerals - plus it makes the mash creamier!), pour out most of the water keeping just enough to mash, add garlic powder, a little salt, smoked paprika and mash to desired consistency. Enjoy! Then again, this is filling enough to be enjoy on it's on...  but if you feel "fancier", serve some greens with bread...  or crudites with hummus or black bean dip. We must eat 3 times a week...

And my last go to, is some hash Brussels sprouts and eggs.  Finely slice your Brussels sprouts and cook them alongside garlic in a pan, add lemon juice and pepper to taste. When cooked, add 2 tbsp water, and crack some egg, cover and let the eggs cook to however you like them. Serve with bread, hummus, potatoes, any other veggies... be creative!  This is awesome as breakfast, brunch or lunch...  we even had it for supper!

Last not but least, is the famous Buddha bowl!  You cook some rice, I prefer brown for that, and you throw in anything you have left... roasted sweet potatoes, cooked or raw veggies, legumes, seeds, nuts, tofu... and top it off with your favorite sauce:  mine is tahini diluted in water with a little soy sauce and garlic powder.

On some occasion, I'll make some fried rice with mushrooms, bell peppers and tofu.  This is awesome, create some diversity and left over are just as good cold the next day as a lunch for work!

Breakfast is almost always oatmeal with brown sugar, dried raisins and cinnamon.  If I have homemade applesauce, I will throw it in and skip the raisins.  Sometimes, I'll had chopped walnuts or pecans if I find them at the right price.  Throwing in some flax seeds adds Omegas...

But most importantly, no matter what you eat, eat fresh food as soon as you can when you get it, batch cook, freeze left over or extra raw veggies.  If you buy or make some food, eat it.  Do not buy or make something else when you have food in the fridge.  This may mean eating the same a few days in a row but dress it up...  "sides" add a lot to a meal you're having for the third day in a row!  Do not forget that herbs and spices go a long way!

Or, if you do not like to eat left overs, come up with a menu plan for the week and buy just what you need for the week making sure your freshest food is cooked before it goes to waste. Or stop at the grocery store more often and buy ONLY what you need - to avoid ending up with extra food that will inevitably go to waste...

And as anywhere else in your life, be creative!

If my 4 repetitive meals that I eat over and over again for months is too boring, use is as a menu plan for a week or two... and then it will give you time to come up with your own menu plan! You can create a menu for a month and repeat for a season... coming up with something different every season... it is really up to you!

One last thing I should mention is that in our case, we eat to stay alive and healthy... we are NOT Epicurean and spending time in a kitchen or sitting at a dining table is torture. Therefore, as a biochemist and nutritionist, I came up with what works for us! Simple easy to cook meals that keep us alive and healthy... and ensure not too much of our budget goes into food!

I hope this helps and if you have any questions do not hesitate to ask!

Chloe 💜&✌

I went home

For as long as I can remember I've been looking for "Home"...
I was not homeless per say... I had a roof over my head.
Nonetheless, I didn't quite get the feeling it was Home.

Every time I would move, and that happens  lot, I would create a sense of home with my furniture, stuff, decor and smell... but something was obviously off as I never stayed in.  I was always out and about, keeping busy...

Only 3 years ago I started getting a sense of what Home feels like and I am getting closer...

To me, Home is where I can be myself... where I do not have to hide or pretend... where I can wear what I want and act as I feel like... a place where there is silence and quietness... a place where I do not have to care what people think as there are no people...

Technically,  by this definition,  I should be able to make anywhere Home.  And I think I can do it now... where I currently live is home (small h intended - not quite right yet) to me now... I am getting there. Working on being Home despite my current reality...

I have to admit that the first time I really did get this "ha-ha moment" where I knew what I was looking for was in the woods!!!

That is where I discovered what I wanted to feel like, what I longed for:

birds singing, trees whispering,  water running, the smell of conifers, a sun light between trees, feeling surrounded, feeling enough... feeling at THE RIGHT PLACE!

Like in the above picture... when I am there, or in a similar place, I just know...

I know everything will be all right, I am good enough,  I don't need anything else... I know my messy introverted curious self is just as good as it gets right now.

I KNOW.

And all my worries, my stress my looking for something else, something better, something bigger just vanishes...

How could it not? Did you see that light? Did you hear that bird? And that water running down? And the smell... OMG the smell...

So, yesterday I went Home for half a day... and returned home after... because this is my life for now and that's OK.  That's enough. In time, I will be Home all the time...

Chloe 💜&✌

I have a confession to make...

I do not want to sound presumptuous...

Just because I write this blog doesn't necessarily mean that I have all my shit figured out!

Nor all the right answers!

I did my research... I learned the theory... I tried it...  I have my own life experience...

But still... I am not perfect... I don't always know what I am doing or where I am going.

I try. I show up.

I get scared. I find excuses. I avoid the uncomfortable and the unfamiliar. Just like everyone else.

To some extent... but somehow, my desire to head into an adventure, be it as small as it may seem eventually gets uncontrolable... my aspiration to walk the path the least travel is big... really big.

This is what keeps me going...  this is what fuels me...  I want to be happy.  I want to be the best version of myself.  I want to have adventures and experiences.  I want to try stuff.  I like to challenge myself and above it all, I love to learn!  I can never learn enough... but you cannot learn only through books, you have to try stuff... and question it!

So I come up with challenges and experiments...  I try and fail... and try again until I find what works for me.  Sometimes it takes a while... and sometimes I take breaks where nothing seems to be going on but at those time I work on the inside because I believe everything is there. I dig and dig and dig...  and there it is.

So I start again... and again... and again.

Until I get to scared. Because yes I do. I am only human.

I am just as messy as anyone else. No better. No worse. Just as unique.

Quite frankly, five years to stop working is not a record! It took time! Lots of time! More than it could have... but we followed our pace... that is what matters in the end. It is not a competition of a race... it life! My life! Our lives! It matters.

I like to share what I try... what works for me and what doesn't... in the hope that it might save you some time searching...

I hope this clears up the air a little...

I really just want to share...

Because I LOVE  to write! Remember? 😉

Chloe 💜&✌