My life without... a smart phone

Hey!

I feel like starting something new today....  people always ask me, as I am vegan AND minimalist, what do you do without xyz?  How can you live with no abc? etc... etc... And also the most popular question that comes with all those, WHY??? 

In the posts titled "my life without..." I will answer those questions...

Today let's look at my life without a smart phone.

For 2 years I had a smart phone... more precisely a iPhone.  It became part of my life... part of who I was...  bigger part of what I was doing... and a scary part of how I lived my life. It was with me 24/7.  Never off...  just in case...  I had all social medias on there and I would know automatically if anyone would post something on Instagram, Google +, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter...  I had access to my emails as soon as they came in... I could do my banking, take pictures, do yoga, meditation, check out where I was going, bus schedule, restaurants schedule, where EVERY Starbucks to walking distance was anywhere I would be...  I could track anything anytime!

HOW can you live without that??? 

First of, I would have never let go of it if I could still afford it...  money was a huge incentive.... and I figure that letting it go for 3 months would help me out and then I could take it back...  I did it for money purpose...  and it turned out to be The BEST decision I ever made!!!   For myself and my family.... and in the end, after 3 months, I decided not to take it back!  It has now been 7 months and my husband, just recently, offered me to take another smart phone since we now have room in our finances (and he know how painful it was at first) but I said " no thank you, I'll pass"... to his HUGE surprise! He even offered to pay part of it and I still declined!

What got into me???

Well, to be honest, after a few weeks of detox... and a few weeks of feeling completely lost and out of the game/excluded it got better!

I was lost that I could no longer know what everybody was posting on everything... 
I  was lost that I  could not know every minute what everyone was doing...
I was lost that I could not take a picture of everything to remember it and "show" people...
I was lost that I could not instantly post what was going on in my life...
I did not know what to do with my time...
I did not know how to find my way...
I did not know how to get to a Starbucks...
I did not know how to know if a restaurant is open...
I did not know when the next bus would be...
I could not be reached in as many ways as rapidly...
I could not surf the Internet for every silly question that popped into my head every other minute...

and then I found myself again... I realised that I was living my life for others... for what others would think... for how many people would "like" "re twit" etc... my pictures and posts... I was comparing my life to that of hundreds of people I had never met and would most likely never meet... 

I was spending way too much time trying to live my "dream" life by showing people I was living it instead of simply living it... I was spending to much time trying to convince other of how happy I was instead of just being happy for myself...

I was spending too much time with virtual people rather then real people...

Cutting off the smart phone has brought in my life:

More time with my husband and son
More time for myself
More time to observe real people while waiting somewhere instead of looking at fake virtual people
More time to cook, do yoga, meditate, read, knit...

It also showed me to speak to people again (humans can actually talk to one another without an electronic device intermediate)... ask questions.... instructions for where you wish to go...  ask around where a restaurant is... you can also call a restaurant using a regular phone and ask for opening hours... you can check the bus schedule ahead of time or just wait for it...

It showed me to "look" at something if I want to remember it... take the time to really observe it and picture it in my head... I no longer run for my phone and miss half of something because I want to take a picture... And you know what, our memories are pretty good... we actually remembers what we should remember.  Maybe the rest, every minor details, are not so important. Maybe what I see is not for others to see...  Maybe you do not have to, or should not share all your life moments on social medias... Just the key ones are fine for close friends and family that you do not see as often...

It taught me to dress the way I like... not just to take a picture of how I looked...  and it has simplified my wardrobe even more...

It taught me to do yoga how I FEEL it... and not how YouTube is going...

It also cut down on shopping temptations... I can no longer look at "google images" of everything (especially clothes and how celebrities dress)... I can't look up website when out and about and create a desire... I can't look at "every store I like" website to see what is new or on special...

It also brought me to the conclusion that if I am going to read emails only once a day, maybe I can decrease the amount of "junk" mail I get by unsuscribing to many things - sales/promotions/updates...  I kept only what I really care about!

There was also no point in keeping so many social media if I am not going to go see them as regularly... because then you have to spend hours at a time looking through everything... 5 minutes (more realistically 10 - I can no longer lie to myself) every half hour did not seem so bad.... but 2h in a row, in front a a computer,  I did not like...  therefore I only kept FB and Google+ (which is attached to this blog) and Pinterest - but I no longer post there (Pinterest) and I am now thinking of letting that go too... I didn't even go in months!

All in all, I feel FREE!!! I feel like no one knows/care what I am doing, when, why and how... and that is OK!

I have more time...
I wander a lot more...
I just go with the flow...
And I have met real people and had real chat with a few interesting people...

I love it!
You will never catch me with a smart phone ever again!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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my view on... yoga

or should I say my very strict view on yoga...
let me explain...
I know some won't be happy about that...  but I will try to be as clear as possible to not create misunderstandings.

I started practicing yoga in 2006.  Exactly 9 years ago...  as recommended by my psychologist to manage my stress and help "deal" with MS.

Now, those little stretches I was doing with a DVD before bedtime turned into a completely different lifestyle. 

I think yoga is a lifestyle, not a religion, not a trend, that has been practice for thousands of years in India mostly.  Yoga in itself means union - union of you body, mind and spirit.   The asanas (or posture) as we know them in America are just 1/5 of yoga.... and their only purpose it to strenghten your body to sustain meditation in the hope of attaining nirvana. Yoga is a lifestyle because it changes the way you think, the way you see things, the way you eat and treat your body and the way you live in general.

This is what has been happening in India for ever!

Now yoga was brought to America with noble intentions... but like with everything else, we have managed to ruin it! Let me explain....

Now yoga is a trends... that is practice with fancy lululemon outfit, expensive mats and props... 
Back in India, it was done in comfortable clothing - that you wore the rest of the day, on dirt directly and with no props - because you took you time to manage asanas...

Now yoga is practice by everyone and anyone with or without any particular respect for the discipline.  There are more and more yoga studios everyday.. more and more yoga style and more and more yoga teacher! Some just started practicing yoga a few years back and are just about 20 years old!
Back in India, teachers were "older" "wiser" yogis... they had been practicing yoga for years and from mastering it were able to teach it... your teacher "chose" you when you were ready... and there was not a yoga studio at every corner.

Now yoga is a physical exercise that allows you to eat cake and drink wine in between sessions (and yes I did hear that from a fellow student once)...  it's a physical exercise with fancy posture which you can do "selfies" of when you manage to do them (there are hundreds of postures now)... it's a physical exercise that became almost unreal and scares people off as they are not "fit" or "bendy" enough...
Back in India yoga changed the way you fed yourself... you cannot reach nirvana if you treat your body like a garbage - and this is the goal of yoga... there was about only 12 posture to start off with and about 50 all in all...  Yoga was for everyone who seek peace, wellness and wanted to turn their life around to become better people.

What happened?  Well WE happened.... everything in America is about money...  trends... sheep's following more sheep's... We turned yoga into a money making machine and lost what it was all about!

I know we all need to earn a living... but some stuff still deserve respect and deserve more then being treated as a money making machine.  Practicing yoga and becoming a yogi is a calling.... teaching it a vocation... which I know I do not have... the calling yes... the vocation not at all!

It's OK that some people do it for the physical side of it... it's OK that so many people try it...  hey this is how I started... but what I am saying is that before you call yourself a yogi make sure you're following all of it...  make sure you're not only embracing the asanas - which there is nothing wrong with if you don't call yourself a yogi!

It's OK that you want to teach it to make money...  but is it really for you?  Can you picture the "almost perfect" yogi?  Did you make significant change in your life to be a yogi and a yoga teacher - our lifestyle in America in general is far from being yogic like? I have met teacher who smoked... I have met teacher who lived in mansion and drove a fancy car... I have met teachers who were so stressed out they were not even focused while teaching... And if you are one of those, and you still want to teach yoga, please "target" serious student and be honest with them... tell them you may not be the right teacher for them... 

Having yoga everywhere can be a great thing... but it can also be a dangerous thing...  in the sense that it may loose it's millennium appeal... 

Yoga is more then doing 108 sun salute in 2h... it is more then being able to do a headstand or handstand by yourself in the middle of the room.... some people will physically be able to do that and should still never call themselves yogis. And some are not able to do those asanas but are the best yogis and very inspirational people...

They say you cannot be a mom before you gave birth...  or adopted a child...
They say you can never be a marathonian before you ran your first 42k marathon...

Well in that case, you can not be a yogi if you do not follow the complete yogi lifestyle - asana, pranayama, meditation, diet, life principles and philosophy...
And you cannot be a teacher until you reached nirvana and it deeply, profoundly affected you and you embrace it!

This is what I think....  your view may be different.... I told you it was about my "strict" view on yoga... 

love&peace,
nath
xox
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Muffin recipe

Hi guys!

I rarely post recipes here...  because I am far from being a food blogger...  I am not a chef either... And I cook/bake really basic things.... and I have no presentation skills what so ever!

BUT, a few people have been asking me for simple cheap and vegan recipes... and THAT I can provide... therefore don't mind the picture... or the way the recipe is layed out... but the result should be OK....

This is a muffin recipe that really does not take long to put together... it can have many different variations... which I am sharing with you and hope you'll share, in comments, the variation you tried... do not be afraid to share!  No one here is criticizing or judging!

This recipe bakes in 15-20 minutes at 400F.  Just make sure it is baked before pulling it out....  I find that different variations may take different time to bake... oh.... and also, my oven cooks/bakes much faster then my previous one therefore you may need to adjust for your own oven!

Fixed ingredients list:
 1 1/2 cup flour (whole wheat or unbleached all purpose - up to you)
3/4 cup raw cane sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup safflower oil
1tbsp ground flax seed in 3 tbsp water (this is your "egg")
1/3 - 1/2 cup liquid
1 cup of fruits and/or nuts


Now for the variations, here are a few that I already tried...

Banana chocolate chip
- use unsweetened organic soy milk for liquid
-add one mashed banana
- add 1/2 cup vegan chocolate chip (I use "enjoy life")
- add 1/2 cup chopped walnuts - optional (you can also replace with coconut flakes)

Maple
- use half of maple syrup and half unsweetened organic soy milk for your liquid
- add chopped pecans - optional

Cranberry - Orange
- use orange juice for liquid
- add pure orange extract - optional - it can be expensive
- add 1/2 to 1 cup cranberries

Pineapple- Orange-Coconut
- use orange juice as liquid
- add 1/2 cup mashed fresh pineapple
- add 1/4 cup dry unsweetened coconut

Double chocolate chip
- use nut or soy milk for liquid - always unsweetened
- add cocoa powder
- add chocolate chip  (I use "enjoy life")

Raisins
- use nut or soy milk for liquid - always unsweetened
- add 1/2 cup dry raisins
- add 1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

Raspberries
- use nut or soy milk for liquid - always unsweetened
- add 3/4 cup frozen raspberries
- you may add nuts if you want to...

This is pretty much all the ones I tried... 

As for instructions... quite simple.... Take a big mixing bowl.  Put in all you dry ingredients.  Add the wet ingredients.  Mix well.  Finish by adding any fruits/dry fruits and or nuts... mix a little more!
Pour into muffin baking mold and you're all set!

This recipe makes about 8 medium size muffins... and for that reason I often double it and freeze a few muffins... they are just as good once thaw or warmed up in the oven!

Now if you ever try anything else, please let me know....

I know that next I will try and turn these muffin into mini fruit cakes... by adding, well you know, fruits that are used in fruits cakes and some walnuts and pecans!  I'll let you know how this turns out...

Hope you will enjoy those muffin as much as my family does...
They are for sure healthier then any muffins you can buy elsewhere...  and you know what's in them!

Enjoy!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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My minimalist wardrobe

Maybe it is time I talk about my wardrobe again....  I have modified it a LOT since my arrival to Moncton 9 months ago because my lifestyle changed a lot...

I have to wear black for work... which means that everything I had black in my wardrobe (except for 2 summer items) are now reserved for work!  If I am going to be dress in black 25h per week, I will not do it on my leisure time also.... plus black was never my color... I always felt oblige to include it in my wardrobe as a basic but rarely found myself wearing it:  too boring and too basic!

We finally accepted (my husband and I) that we do not like to dress fancy and go out... if I am going to go out, it will be for tea, a movie or a vegan meal... no need to wear fancy!  Plus it makes me feel fake therefore I did not keep any fancy clothes! And let's face it, there is no such thing as fancy Christmas or Holidays or birthday in my family!

I also stopped dying my hair.... which required some adjustment in my wardrobe... a few things no longer worked as they made me feel washed out with my new silvering hair! I had to change that...

I also tried and work toward a 4 seasons wardrobe...  no room to store anything in our small place.  We need to share a kids closet and one 4 drawers chest between the 2 of us... something gotta give!

I am now proud to announce that ALL my clothes (excluding pyjamas and outer wear) consist of 39 items!  This is for the 4 seasons!!!  I know...  I am missing a few things in there especially tops but if I add 2 summer tops and 2 longer sleeves tops, I'll be good to go for the 4 seasons for many years to come...  because all my clothes are in pretty good conditions still. I take good care of them! If you've been following me for a while, a few years ago I could not manage to get down to that number of clothes for 3 months...  let alone 4 seasons!

Aside from a few bracelets and necklaces (no more then 15 all in all and that include all my yoga jewelry), maybe 10 pairs of foot wear (including winter and rain boots as well as 3 pair of flip flops), some outer wear (2 winter jacket, 1 rain jacket, one fake leather jacket, one jean jacket, 4 hats, 2 pairs or mittens and a lot of scarves) and 3 bags (2 shoulder and one back pack) my wardrobe contains:

1 jacket (black and brown) (3 seasons do not wear in winter!)
1 pair of printed summer palazzo pants (spring/summer)
2 pairs of harem pants (spring/summer)
2 summer skirts (summer)
2 pairs of shorts (khaki and jeans) (spring/summer)
4 pairs of jeans (2 wide legged, one skinny and one torn skinny) (4 seasons)
2 pairs of corduroy (both wide legged - one dark grey, the other fushia) (fall/winter/spring)
1 navy skirt ( 4 seasons)
1 knee length wide legged trousers (4 seasons)
1 dress (fall/winter/spring)
1 flannel shirt (winter)
1 polka dot burgundy shirt (4 seasons)
1 big flower pattern yellow t-shirt (spring/summer)
1 sleeveless green blouse (spring/summer)
1 cotton navy blouse (4 seasons)
1 navy t-shirt (4 seasons)
1 striped elbow length sleeve t-shirt (4 seasons)
1 sleeveless t-shirt (orange and fushia) (summer)
1 green cami (summer)
2 black with open back cami (spring/summer/fall)
2 white t-shirt (4 seasons)
1 long tunic (summer only)
1 indigo cami (summer only)
1 knitted printed sweater (goes well with navy skirt, trousers and corduroy) (mostly winter)
4 vest (pretty much 3 seasons each)
2 long cardigans (one dark grey and one blue) (spring/fall)

All these pretty much mix and match quite easily... except for a few summer pants that have patterns and I need to be more careful... therefore my need to get 2 summer tops.

They are all clothes that suits me well...  for my body and my hair color...  they are also perfectly in tune with my lifestyle...  no pretending I am someone I am not!  They should last long and because they are of different "age" not everything will need to be replaced at the same time!  Which is great financially!

I have to admit, never would I have said that I could dress with so few items and feel great!  I needed to find MY style in order to get to this point... and this was done at a high cost financially and time wise... but it all worked out in the end...  Today I dress how I like, in what makes me feel good and I ignore all the fashion rules and so on...

Bet you could do the same...  and feel great!  And stop wasting hours figuring out what to wear on what day...

love&peace,
nath
xox
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On being healthy... or not...

Let me tell you something:  I do not care if you do not want to be healthy.  Honestly. It is your choice... your decision... but please pretty please just assume consequences!!!

I know, and you know.... and mostly everybody knows by now that the best way to be healthy is:

1) adopt a plant based diet.  Period.  No if and but or "but I do not eat lots of... (fill in animal product)"
2) LOTS of raw fruits and veggies
3) Juice, smoothies
4) Eat at home - home made meals - as much as possible
5) Exercise with moderation - you can exercise too much
6) Practice yoga/meditation to relieve stress
7) Drink water - not to little and not too much (yes you can have too much water)
8) Minimize the amount of process food you eat or eliminate if you can
9) Minimize your caffeine and alcohol intake
10) Stop smoking
11) Avoid junk food

Now we're all adults here.... you can do whatever you want... and so can I.

I chose to be healthy because I have one body. I chose to be healthy because I owe it to myself.  I chose to be healthy because I want to see my son's life as far as possible.  I chose to be healthy because I want to be selfless and independent as long as possible - I do not want to have anyone feel responsible for taking care of me in old age if I can help it.  I chose to be healthy because spending the last 10-15 years of my life running form doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment is not appealing to me and I know there are other options.

I may make what seems like sacrifices to some of you... but it is not really!  I feel so good and full of energy that that "steak", "bacon", "ice cream", " glass of wine" or "piece of cheese" sound to me like "dead cow", "dead pig", "frozen fat", "fermented grapes" or "soft chewy greasy fat"... and I do not miss any of that!!!  I have taught myself to love what real food taste like... and love it! 

I really believe that we were not meant to eat the way we do... if not it would not make us sick... If we were meant to eat the way the standard American diet is design, we'd have much bigger teeth, much bigger fingernails and mostly a way more acidic stomach to digest all that dead flesh.

Now if despite all the information that is widely available you choose to live your life different then mine, well that is OK.. and it is YOUR problem... and you have to live with the consequences.... and be mature enough to stop finding excuses for your behavior! Do not look for "scientific" studies saying that meat is not so bad...  that "milk does a body good"... that egg white is OK and that fish has good fat in it...  and if you do find those studies, look at WHO is paying for those...

For example, the "meat/milk" industry in the USA is spending big dollars on proving that soy is not good for us... so you'll eat meat and dairy instead of tofu and soy milk (because their profit margin is decreasing every year)...  but then how is it that people where soy has been eaten for hundreds of years always had less cancer and osteoporosis then we did?  At least until they started "Americanizing" their diet...

Also, do not try and justify yourself with excuses like "my grandma lived healthy until 95 and she ate chocolate everyday", "my granddad died at 92 and ate bacon every day" , "my aunt is 98 and drink wine at every supper since she's 15"...  those are EXCEPTIONS...  they are not the rule.., be smarter then that!  What you're doing is assuming you son will be like "Wayne Gretzky" or "Tiger Wood" because they started playing hockey/golf at 2 years old!  Do you know many Wayne and Tiger versus the number of kids who start playing hockey/gold at 2?

I hope you now understand that I stand for what I know is best for us.... I will NEVER stop talking about it... but you don't have to follow me in all my eccentricity like some told me... you are free to do as you wish... and even if you are not vegan and drink beer we can be friend... but do not feel like you need to justify yourself to me because you don't... unless you're trying to justify yourself to yourself through me... 

love&peace,
nath
xox
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My view on: reality TV

There is nothing real about reality TV.
Period.
Let me explain...

A little over a year ago I decided to cut my cable subscription.
The cable company worked hard to try and keep me... offering discount and everything but my mind was set. I wanted to try this between April and end of June.  Time at which I would move to another province and start a new life hopefully without a television...
Instead of cable I took a subscription to Netflix.
It is cheaper.
No advertisement.
No reality TV.

The first few week was amazing.... I read a lot....
The next 2 were horrible.... I missed my shows.
Then I started using Netflix and saw some potential there.

Now, I use Netflix for documentaries, movie night on Saturday with my husband and son and I select one show to watch with my son and one with my husband. We are watching one show at a time. That is enough.

Do I wish I'd watch even less television?  Yes eventually but for now this is convenient for me.

Especially to have no advertisement and no reality TV...

I'll pass on my reason for disliking advertisement (hint:  I am against over consumption)

As for reality TV, I honestly believe that nothing can be more fake then what we call reality TV.
Of course the shows I watch are fake.. but I know it and everyone does...  no one pretends like this is reality. You wathc them for entertainment... not as a goal for your life to become.
Reality TV on the other hand is made to have "regular", non-actor people be on television... because for some reason, most of us are looking into being on TV as if this would bring us fame and money! A nice illusion...
In the end, those people that participate in reality TV shows are as fake as can get so that people like them, choose them, vote for them... They play a role... something they are most definitely not like... but they'll do it for money or possible fame... they all think that this might be their big coming out! Their moment where someone will see them and want to make an block buster movie staring them...  well guess what? This ain't happening....  never did and never will...  because actors are there for making movies and TV shows...

Regular people are there to "amuse" others... they are "cheap" labor... they are like "circus animals"... Enjoyed by the public but abused by who they work for...
But the saddest part I find is that they, as well as people watching them, are led to believe that this is what life should be like. That this represent meaningful life.

No one can actually fall in love on a TV show and hope this last.... they are falling in love with the money, the travelling, the expensive house they live in, the restaurants diner and shopping sprees... Once you get back to real life, that is another story and they both get to see a side of the other they did not see before... No one can play a role all their life!

As for all those "grand gesture" people do on reality TV, you can do these off screen...but who does that? Not as many people...  You do not need to be filmed to help the poor, the homeless, the sick...  If you need to be filmed doing it, well it doesn't come from your hearth and it is not selfless... therefore has no value. I know a few people who do amazing things for others without having excessive budget or bragging about it.  This is who they are. They are no doing it for fame but rather to genuinely help others.

And if you need to be on TV to loose weight you, most likely, won't keep it off...  Once the camera is gone, in a matter of months or years you'll be back where you started... because no real change will have happen inside of you... maybe there are issues you need to deal with psychologically or emotionally that the camera temporarily turned off or fixed but I doubt this is resolving anything in the long run...

Do you see my point?

Now, have you ever seen any of those reality TV superstars a few years down the line? Are they still thin? Rich? Famous? In the perfect relationship? Did they get a record deal? Sold many albums? Do we ever talk about them 5 years later? Do we even remember who they were? Or is there so many day in-day out that they are just like all the people you cross on the street and do not get to know or talk too ever?

If you want to be part of reality, leave your television, internet, smart phone and talk to REAL people... about their REAL life.... this is reality.  Television is NOT.

In any case.. this is the way I see it...  like it or not...
If you see it any other way and wish to share please feel free...

love&peace,
nath
xox
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The one question that saved my life

As you already know I have been through a LOT in my life... and I made many many changes... slowly but surely.... this was triggered by being diagnosed with MS and going to see a psychologist to learn to deal with it...  You can read about this here . Long story short, I realise in my early thirties that my life was not at all what I had picture it to be...  as an adult, a teenager or a child!

One question that helped me out was the following:  "what would you do with your life if no one was looking?"

Answer seemed simple...  and "seemed" is the key word because, little did I know, the first answer that came to mind was actually not the right one! 

In order to KNOW what you'd do if no one was looking, you need to dig deep into yourself! You need to go before expectations were set for you... before you were conditioned to like or not something... this mean really early into your life, but then, you probably won't remember what it was... Can you close your eyes and go back to how you saw life as a kid?  Before you even started school...  before you watch so many hours of television.. before you actually paid attention to advertising that is everywhere... before any reasonnable adult guided you into what would be the best thing for you...

Can you feel how you use to feel?  Can you remember how you saw your life?  What brought you joy? What made you cry?

So early in life we are told what we "should" be doing... what we "should" like... what our adulthood "should" be like...  that we hardly ever have a chance to picture it for ourselves...
 Everyone thinks your life through long before you even know you need to "plan" your future...

Now, let's assume that you could go anywhere on the planet, vanish from everyone you knew...  disappear and reappear somewhere where no one knows you... you could totally re-invent yourself... and no one would ever find out! No one would judge because you'd be somewhere where every one would be like you... people who chose to disappear and re-invent themselves...

Then, what would you do?  How would you live? How much money would you really need? What job/career would you occupy? What would you do with your free time? How would you dress? Where would you live? What kind of home would you choose to have?

Remember, no one knows you... 

You are the "architect" of this new life!  No one else is... not your parents/friends/family/coworker/society... 

Now, before you answer those questions, you need to "forget" or "delete" what you have inside that is not YOU... but was "forced" on you.... and THAT is the tricky part!  We so rarely have time to ourselves with no stimulation of any sort that we often do not even know the answers to those questions...

It took me a long time to actually be able to answer "what I'd do if no one was looking".  To be honest, it took me just about 7 years...  during all that time I was trying stuff... and I tried a lot of stuff!  I was completely lost... only to realise each time that I was not truly happy with my "new life".  After a lot of yoga/meditation/talking with my lover/writing this blog...  I finally put all the pieces together and I found out what I wanted to be when I grew up... found out the real answer to this question...  I actually needed to step away/vanish/disappear from many to be able to feel "free" and allowed to re-invent myself...  I had to move far away from everything and everyone I knew to find out what I was looking for....  (doesn't mean you'll have to do it.  Everyone can find the answer to that question in different ways...  No worries...)

I was looking for something so simple... and so "right there" that I would not see it... and kept looking for more... or different.. better...  bigger...

But really, all I ever wanted to be in life is someone quiet, who lives her life very simply...  help others when she can...  and with the tools she has... and this is going to sound so "anti-feminist" but I also always wanted to take care of my husband and my kid...  because this is what I love to do...  I am a care giver... and I like to make people I love happy...

Now, I can do this... I have manage to re-invent myself... I work part time...  make much less money then I use to but have so much more free time to cook/bake...  for my husband and son...  I have time to knit and read and do my yoga...  This is food for my soul... I need this...  I need to have time to myself in my own "land"... always did and always will.... but I also need to take care of others... once I took care of myself!

This is who I want to be when no one is looking... and this is also who I can be when everyone is looking... because I feel so much better this way that it really no longer matters what other people think...

What about you?  What would you do if no one was looking? - REALLY...  Is it what you are doing? Would you change anything?

love&peace,
nath
xox
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