As you already know I have been through a LOT in my life... and I made many many changes... slowly but surely.... this was triggered by being diagnosed with MS and going to see a psychologist to learn to deal with it... You can read about this here . Long story short, I realise in my early thirties that my life was not at all what I had picture it to be... as an adult, a teenager or a child!
One question that helped me out was the following: "what would you do with your life if no one was looking?"
Answer seemed simple... and "seemed" is the key word because, little did I know, the first answer that came to mind was actually not the right one!
In order to KNOW what you'd do if no one was looking, you need to dig deep into yourself! You need to go before expectations were set for you... before you were conditioned to like or not something... this mean really early into your life, but then, you probably won't remember what it was... Can you close your eyes and go back to how you saw life as a kid? Before you even started school... before you watch so many hours of television.. before you actually paid attention to advertising that is everywhere... before any reasonnable adult guided you into what would be the best thing for you...
Can you feel how you use to feel? Can you remember how you saw your life? What brought you joy? What made you cry?
So early in life we are told what we "should" be doing... what we "should" like... what our adulthood "should" be like... that we hardly ever have a chance to picture it for ourselves...
Everyone thinks your life through long before you even know you need to "plan" your future...
Now, let's assume that you could go anywhere on the planet, vanish from everyone you knew... disappear and reappear somewhere where no one knows you... you could totally re-invent yourself... and no one would ever find out! No one would judge because you'd be somewhere where every one would be like you... people who chose to disappear and re-invent themselves...
Then, what would you do? How would you live? How much money would you really need? What job/career would you occupy? What would you do with your free time? How would you dress? Where would you live? What kind of home would you choose to have?
Remember, no one knows you...
You are the "architect" of this new life! No one else is... not your parents/friends/family/coworker/society...
Now, before you answer those questions, you need to "forget" or "delete" what you have inside that is not YOU... but was "forced" on you.... and THAT is the tricky part! We so rarely have time to ourselves with no stimulation of any sort that we often do not even know the answers to those questions...
It took me a long time to actually be able to answer "what I'd do if no one was looking". To be honest, it took me just about 7 years... during all that time I was trying stuff... and I tried a lot of stuff! I was completely lost... only to realise each time that I was not truly happy with my "new life". After a lot of yoga/meditation/talking with my lover/writing this blog... I finally put all the pieces together and I found out what I wanted to be when I grew up... found out the real answer to this question... I actually needed to step away/vanish/disappear from many to be able to feel "free" and allowed to re-invent myself... I had to move far away from everything and everyone I knew to find out what I was looking for.... (doesn't mean you'll have to do it. Everyone can find the answer to that question in different ways... No worries...)
I was looking for something so simple... and so "right there" that I would not see it... and kept looking for more... or different.. better... bigger...
But really, all I ever wanted to be in life is someone quiet, who lives her life very simply... help others when she can... and with the tools she has... and this is going to sound so "anti-feminist" but I also always wanted to take care of my husband and my kid... because this is what I love to do... I am a care giver... and I like to make people I love happy...
Now, I can do this... I have manage to re-invent myself... I work part time... make much less money then I use to but have so much more free time to cook/bake... for my husband and son... I have time to knit and read and do my yoga... This is food for my soul... I need this... I need to have time to myself in my own "land"... always did and always will.... but I also need to take care of others... once I took care of myself!
This is who I want to be when no one is looking... and this is also who I can be when everyone is looking... because I feel so much better this way that it really no longer matters what other people think...
What about you? What would you do if no one was looking? - REALLY... Is it what you are doing? Would you change anything?
love&peace,
nath
xox
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This is great post and inspired for me. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. Goodluck
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