Struggling a little this week...

This might be a shorter post than usual... or not (apparently, once I revise it!)

I have been struggling a little this week.  I said I would always be honest with you guys...  this is me doing that.

Although I didn't really cheat on my challenge and I am quite happy with the decision we made as a couple, something didn't feel quite right. And it was a familiar feeling.  Thanks to me writing down mostly everything and a regular meditation practice, after a few days of feeling down and a very verbal discussion with my husband, I have pinned it down to what the issue is.

This feeling happens to me regularly.  At first I thought it was just a seasonal thing but after a couple of years of taking notes, I can finally say that it is not seasonal.  It is not hormonal. Or linked to the moon.  It is link to something I do.  Something I feel like I have to do.  Something I impose on myself...  for who knows what reason???  Well, technically, I did find out the reason...

This time, it was trigger by this challenge of no spend year I embarked upon beginning of January 2019 and reading the book "No impact man" by Colin Beavan.

About the challenge

If you look in years past on this blog, I have been more or less active...  And you cannot see that but I can, the number of readers have varied greatly.  Due to numerous factors.  Some because of me, some out of my control.

The thing is, no matter how many people are reading me, I always start being more active here because I need it.  Writing makes me feel better and allow myself to self analyze... I need it.  Like some need to run. I love writing my thoughts, even if sometimes they can be all over the place.  I do not consider myself a writer.  Or even think that I am very good at blogging.  I hardly if ever re-read myself.  It's almost as if putting it down here, allow me to free myself from those thoughts and move on. Like a journal... but one that doesn't "waste" paper or hurt my hands.

Then, I get into this thinking mode that if I am to write, I should get more readers.  If I can write, if I have something to say, I should find more people to read it.  Therefore it is not a "waste" of my time.  And I know I have blogged about this before... but I am here again.  I need to figure it out again! At that point, I get more present on social media - mostly Instagram and a little Facebook. I reactivate my Pinterest and Twitter...  just to announce a new blog post.  And then I get in the number game... tracking my numbers, and like and page views... and it does go up.  Exponentially of course.  But slowly. It is mathematical after all.  But at what cost?  I get back into feeling like I need to take pictures of everything... like I need to create experiences and events and nice view to show you guys. I create new crazy challenges... Like this " my year of tying up loose ends".  Like I need to be someone.  Better. To put myself out there.  But I am an introvert...  and out there is NOT for me.  It doesn't make me happy in the end...

It stresses my out.  I feel imprisoned.

It's as if I am trying to achieve something that is not for me.  Something that won't make me happier.
But something I have to do. Something I feel obliged to do.

About the book.

"No impact man" is an even crazier challenge than  what I am doing.  Then I ever done. It was cold turkey major life changes overnight almost. Very unlike my small step approach.  I admire this guy for what he did.  It took a lot of courage.

I had seen the documentary years ago but reading the book , you get a different look on the experiment.  He struggled too.  He second-guessed himself.  He learned a great deal about himself during that year and sharing those discoveries in the book made me realize a few things about myself.

Mostly that I am probably to attached to my accomplishment. Especially for someone working on non-attachment.  And it is hurting me.  Hurting my relationships to my family by putting to much stress on me and therefore them.

Something that is worth doin is worth doing well.

And because I was raised to do good.  To do more.  To do better.  Like most of you I think,  the challenges keep getting more difficult...  and my expectations more strict. And I drive myself crazy and I get stress about raising the numbers, tracking everything, finding something to write about or a picture to post... I compare.  Compare myself to what is out there on social media.  Compare myself to other people, people who are doing nice things but in their own way.  People I admire and respect but do not necessarily wish to be. People who can be source of inspiration but I do not want to compete with them.  Nor with ayone.

And because even though I am not an all or nothing girl, I feel like I need to invest myself at 100% or more, it is way too demanding...  and I know I can do it.  I know if I set my mind to do something I will.  I did in the past. But the question always comes back to "but do I really want to?".  And I have had this discussion with my husband and with one of my best friends... I can do those things I have challenge myself too.  After 47 days, new habits have been created and most actually do agree with me...  I haven't even think about buying clothes to be honest. I have almost paid off all my credit card.  I have money in my savings account.  I am creating less and less waste.  I am simplifying my diet and lowering my food budget. I no longer buy books or magazine - and I haven't for a while.  I cut my own hair.  I do not dye my hair or wear make up.   All this is pretty amazing I think.  For me anyway.

Now back to that saying I grew up with... what is "doing well"? Where do I draw the line at I am doing this well, or above and beyond, or not quite good enough??? Who's judging? Who is grading? NO ONE but myself... or maybe some are but should I really care about it?

I entered this year for me. And my family. To get control over my finance.  To prove to myself that I can if I want, do better with my money.

I didn't enter this year to feel miserable. Life is about more then rules and restriction.  More then asceticism. Life is about "sparking joy" as per Marie Kondo. And my friend Nikki.

What does "spark joy" in me? 

Well, for this, I can always go back to my "what makes my world go round" posts.  But essentially, I get joy for the small tings in life: taking a walk, having a chai, reading a book, a fireplace, the birds, the clouds, the trees, simple food, my yoga practice, knitting and clothes.  And of course my loved ones!

And to be honest, if I cut down any of these, there are no joy.  I feel miserable.  And even though I know life is not a straight line of happiness, self induce misery is simply stupid.  There is enough misery going around for everyone - why create some extra for me??? What good is it?  Who benefits from that?

So, I know I can do this.  I know I can follow all the rules I created for myself for this year...  but do I really want to?  I do agree with most of them.  I am confident they will not make me feel miserable.  But there is one, I know I can do it.  But I also know that I don't really want to!  And you've guessed right:  the year long shopping ban on clothes.  I hinted it in my last post that you can read here. Now I know I do not want to go back to my hold habits.  But I do know that I will want to buy clothes before January 2020. I just need to figure out what works for me.

It takes real honesty and maturity to come clean.

I had to think about this for a while.  I had to be honest with myself first.  And then be mature enough to write about it.

I know I put myself up for criticism.  I know there might be people thinking that I "failed", that I "gave up".  Again.  I know this is how I felt about myself at first, so I am not the only one.

But after further thinking about it, I know that admitting that something is not for you takes courage. Saying that I think I do my part... that I keep working on myself and that this is enough for now is opening Pandora's box.  And I can do that.

I try.  And sometimes fail.  And sometimes give up - not because I am not good enough but rather because I bite more than I can chew off at once.  I am trying to do a life's long work into a few years...  I claim that you can go far with small steps and I try and do giant ones!!!

Why?  I am by no means any better than any of you... I am just an average Joe! Doing an average life! Trying to do the best I can not to hurt to many people and our lovely planet! I cannot save it all by myself...

The butterfly effect.

I used to think that the flap of my wings would create a hurricane elsewhere...  but there is more than one dimension to this butterfly effect. And perhaps, I am not the butterfly creating the hurricane but the butterfly next to me, who started flying because I did, will.  And that's OK. Or maybe it is just 20 of us who will eventually create the hurricane...  who knows?  who cares?

Really, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that I am happy with the life I lived.  I am the one who has to deal with my decisions and my life design...  no one else.

As a result...

I will eventually come up with what would be acceptable for me to buy clothes.  My happy medium between getting the clothes I love and not harming anyone or the planet.  Not too much anyway. I can already tell you that I did order yoga pants online.  They are fair trade. I needed those pants because after years of doing yoga at home in my PJ's, I need to go to a studio to meet like minded people... I also need to practice outside more in the summer.  I cannot do either in my PJ's.

Also, I will write here of course.  But for me first.

And I will most likely decrease my presence on social media - mostly Instagram.  I will close down my Twitter and Pinterest account again. I will not force myself to take pictures... or to go and see the number of likes. Or page views.

I will step away and I am really looking forward to my May 1st - August 31st Internet free home.  I could do it now but pretty sure my son would not be impressed!  I cannot think of myself only...  this is a family and if I need a happy medium for me, I also need  happy medium for the family!

any thoughts?

Chloe 💜&✌