One's life purpose

I have a confession to make...
Ever since I was diagnosed with MS, my world crumbled..
And everything changed...

Ever since that date of October 10th 2007, nothing has been the same.  Nothing ever will be. There was worse days and much better days (I am getting the better days now)...
It has changed me... as one can suspect...  it made me look for a cure at first... and then realising that I managed to "heal" myself, it made me want to "heal" everyone... and then started the quest to my life's purpose.

Typical questions were:
Why me? (of course...)
Why was I diagnosed with MS?
Why did I manage to find a way to heal myself when other's don't?
Should I keep this to myself?
Should I share?
Should I change the world with my experience and what I found out?
Others can, why can't I?
How can I convince others to change the way they live?

As you may or may not know, I "healed" myself by going vegetarian (and I am now vegan), becoming minimalist and living a simpler life...  practicing yoga, meditation and receiving Reiki treatments...

I tried changing the world with this blog, by writing a book, by offering conferences... and I was looking into other options as well...  I wanted to be "famous" so people would follow me and do as I say... and maybe then the world would be a better place and my life wouldn't have been useless...

But nothing of that really worked... and I was really disappointed with that... and then followed more questioning:  Why is everything I try not working?

The answer took a while to come.... and despite years of yoga and mediation, my ego was still pretty big... and during all those yoga/meditation practices I met amazing people who did awesome things... and attracted many to their seminar, yoga practices, conferences... some sold many of their books or CDs... but not me...

And then, not too long ago, I vanished... I stopped the blog and all my presence on social medias... because I felt it had no sense... it was a waste of time... I was a failure...

And I kept my simple minimalist vegan life... and had several discussion with my lovely husband...  and kept on my meditation and yoga practice... only to realise that I had been wrong all that time...

When I was a kid, all I dreamed about was to be free...  I never dreamed of being "famous"... never dreamed of changing the world... never dreamed of being rich...  all my dreams were with me and a lovely husband and 1-2 kids... living peacefully somewhere... there was not "career" in those dream... there was no huge house... mostly nature... and time spent wandering... no expectations...  no social status...  just life!

Then I grew up... and lost track of wanting to be free... or thought, like most, that I would be free once I did all those things:  be "famous", changed the world, be rich... 

This reminds me of the Mexican fisherman story... which you can read here .

And then it hit me:  what if my life purpose was just that:  be free. 

Who says everyone has a big life purpose to achieve?  Who says being free is a less important life's purpose than others?

What if me "failing" wsa actually serving me a purpose and getting me closer to my real dream?

What if only living my life made me happy?  What if after all the Universe was actually conspiring to give me what I wanted a long long time ago by not giving me what I thought I wanted for the last few years? They say that when you really want something, the Universe will conspired to give it to you.

What if my MS was actually to open my eyes and step away from the big corporate life I was living? What if my book is not selling as much as I'd love to because I never really wanted to sell millions of copies and be a well known author?  What if I get just a reasonable amount of readers on that blog but they are actually "real" believers in what I wrote? 

After all, I am happy like this... alone here in Moncton with my husband and son... in our small apartment... dreaming small... taking care of those I really love... writing when I feel like it... cooking, baking, knitting, doing yoga....  walking places...  biking when weather permits...

What more is there to life really???

Aren't we only suppose to live our life by being happy about it?  How can you be happy about your life if it makes you miserable, sick,stressed???  This is what I use to have... and I no longer want that...

If it means, feeling lonely sometimes because there are not many people like me (us), well you know what?  That is OK!

I am much happier now that I am no longer comparing myself to others... or myself!
I let go of the expectations I had for myself and others had for myself...  I let go of $ coming in... I let go of who I think I should be... I let go of the concept of rich/poor... I let go of social status... I let go of pretty much all I learned about how life should be...

I am re-writing my life.

And I embrace it as it is...  simple!

This is my life purpose.

I hope you can find yours one day...  your deeply hidden/burried life purpose...  this is the best one, the one that will let you be happy!!!

Really it all comes down to:  Be here and now.


love&peace, as always...
nath
xox
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Winter

Never was much of a winter person... For some reason I was born in a northern country with no like of the cold temperature...  and snow, although really nice to look at, does have it's share of problems!

My dosha does not react well to cold weather... and neither do my legs... 

As a kid, all I remember of winter is being cold... and playing outside in the snow...  by that I mean, digging a whole in the snow for me to hide in it... or if weather was nicer, I would lie on my back and look at the blue sky... or the snow falling on my face...  but that was it!  I never skied or snowshoed or anything like that.  I skated, inside as I was a figure skater. I slided a few times but way to dangerous I find...

As an adult, I tried outdoor skating - my feet froze... I tried cross-country skiing and it was easier for me to back up then move forward...  Try skiing - goes WAY to fast... Gave a try to snowshoeing but only got so far as to buy the snowshoe and never used them... always too many excuses...  Tried again the sliding but hurt myself...

A few weeks ago, living in Moncton, I figure I have to try and learn to love winter... because it looks like my husband and I plans for the future do not involve spending the winter down south... (more on our future plans in another post)

I asked for suggestion to people who like winter...  and I got the same answer:  ski, skate, snowshoe, sliding...  and then I came to my senses... why?  just why am I trying to like winter the way others do?  I never (or hardly never) do anything like anyone else...  why, then, try and love winter the way other people do?  Why can't I come with my own way to love it?

Because I need to love it... one way or another... I know people, who lived all their life in the northern country, never spend their winter elsewhere and are just miserable for 5 months! I do not want to be like that...  if I am going to live here, no way I can be miserable for 5 months!

I want to live here and now... and be happy about it!

Then I started digging... what do all other 3 seasons mean to me?  What do I do then that I love? Anything I could bring into my winter?

Well, I realised that I like to wander around, walking or biking...  of course in the winter, I can still do that... maybe not as long but still doable - by walking - I am not biking in winter.... as I get close to freezing point, a bike looses all it's attractiveness to me... I have a nice lake I can go around and it makes for a 40 minutes walk or so... this is perfect! I only need to dress really well to not feel the cold... I have clothes for that.

I like to sit on a terrace... OK THAT is not possible in the winter but maybe close to a sunny window would do?

I like to read and do yoga and meditation...  I can still do this!  Just need to bring it inside with me!  Instead of reading by the lake or in a park, I can read in my living room! Same for yoga and meditation.... although meditation sitting on a bench facing the sun in winter can be quite nice if the wind is not straight in your face!

I like to cook and bake... this is actually easier in winter...  and I can try new recipes!
I also like to knit and sew but I find that in the summer I never have time for that...  maybe I am wandering too much...

As a result of this thinking days I had with myself, I found MY way to love winter:
Lots of cooking and baking!
Lots of knitting and sewing!
Reading, doing yoga and meditation!
And regular walks, especially on sunny days!

I will be more of an indoor person during winter and THAT is OK!!!  I do not need to do all the others do during winter.... and it doesn't mean that I am missing on something!  I tried it and didn't like it....  do you really have to like everything that there is to do???

And you know what?  This works out fine for me...  I get to do what I love most of the year... and more in winter when the weather forces me to stay inside... and enjoy the view rather then the cold!

And as of now, I can say that I love MY winter wonderland!!!!

p.s. this does not mean that I will never complain again about it being too cold... or having to take 20 minutes to dress before going out... BUT, I will complain less as I have something else to look for then the cold and the excessive clothes!

love&peace, as always...
nath
xox
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Here's the deal...

A while ago I started this blog...  it was January 2011.
I had no clue what I was doing... but I gave myself a huge challenge... one that would change me.
I was doing it for myself to resolve some issues with my life... and it helped!  A LOT!!!

Time went by... and I went from 8 readers to many many more....  and I kept on going...

Until my book came out... then I became obsessed with numbers... I had to use my blog to boost book sales.... I had to be known... and I started selecting what I was writing about... It had to fit into a tiny window of subject that would be about minimalism and veganism and health and yoga...

So I became a "blogger"... and it turned into an adventure more with numbers and frequency then just the fun of writing...  I would check then number of readers 2-3 times a day... I committed myself to writing more and more...  to please my readers so I thought...

Because I wanted to have a "successful" blog, I started following tips from successful blogger... and although I feel like I stay honest and authentic in my writing, I avoided some subjects I would I like to write about...  because it may push away some readers... I committed to 2-3 blog post a week...  to keep my readers interested... I lost track of why I was doing this in the beginning...

Then it became more like a "business" then "for fun" and I started hating it...  I had enough of "having" to write... so I took a break and enjoyed the freedom... then I missed it so I came back...  but still obsessed with the rules and numbers therefore it did not work out... If you have been reading me for a while, you too probably figured out that rules do not work for me! (it was one of the great finding this blog gave me)

Now after a month of not thinking about it I started missing it...  I miss writing... I miss sharing...
I had almost forgotten I was once had a blog...  but it came back... because I was asked if I would do a guest blog post and I felt like doing it...

And slowly but surely, after a well deserved break, the need to write is still there...
But the fixation on the number is gone...

Therefore I am back... BUT in my terms... and no more rules... no more obligations... only listening to me heart and writing when I feel like it... on what I feel like writing...

I am reinstating this blog as it was at first was meant to be:  a journal (that got shared through the Internet but it doesn't have too)

1) A place for me - to write and learn about myself
2) A place to share - because I think some people might benefit from my experiences - and I love to share
3) A place where I write about what I want and feel like...  still in a respectful manner but I will no longer avoid some subject not to "lose" readers...  take it or leave it! It will be my opinion on different subjects...  not every one will agree... but it is what it is...
4) A place with no schedule... I can write 3 post on one week and nothing for a month... there will be no set schedule...  but you will still be able to subscribe by email, FB, Pinterest or Google+ therefore you will not miss anything and you won't have to log in everyday to make sure I did not write anything!

Yes I will keep writing on minimalism and veganism... because it defines who I am. It is part of my life...
Yes I will share more recipes...
And yes I will share on yoga, meditation and other spiritual issues when I feel like it because that too is important in my life and sometimes I need to write on it to see clearly.

But I will also write on some different subjects, related to society and my own personnal life,  how I see it... you opinion and comments will be welcome and appreciated although I will expect them to be respectful like I will be.

We are all adults here.... I hope we can agree to disagree and grow with that.

I hope this can work out for you... I know it will for me! :-)

I sincerely hope that the readers that will stay are the right one and that this can become more then a blog but a place where exchange/comments/discussion are welcome...  a place where you can ask me questions, suggest blog post idea and where people will not be shy to intereact!  This is what I am looking for...

I know it will mean that in the short term I might lose people but that is not what I am after anymore...  I want to share with like minded people.  I need to create a web, a group of my own... of people who trust, respect and like my opinions and who's opinions I trust, respect and like.

love&peace, as always...
nath
xox
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Sorry... really need to do this... for me...

Hello to you all...

I am sorry, but this is not my "dream" post... I surely never anticipated it but I am at a point in my life where this is what I need... and I will not pretend otherwise...

I started this blog almost 4 years ago on January 1st 2011 because my husband and I decided to not buy anything not essential for a year....  we lasted 6 months... which was not too bad considering where we started from...  but I kept the blog because I found a passion for writing, it helped my figure things out for myself... it was mostly like a diary... more than anything else.  At one point, it evolved into a blog where I wanted to share my knowledge and experiences to help others because I had more interested readers...   Then I kept on doing it....  because it helped me and others...  and I loved it!  I loved the sense of purpose it gave me even though I wish (to be honest) that I had a bit more readers.

Last year, I lost my job and decided to give blogging a chance to become some kind of income... and I worked really hard at it and took a course and tips from well know bloggers...  my numbers increased but still far from what I needed...

I then started my #108daystoanewlife and discovered a lot more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life...  and realised that I didn't want such a huge part of my life involved in social medias and blogging because I felt like it took away my life in the end.  By sharing all of it, I had none left for me...  I then decided to cut down social medias and keep only Pinterest, Facebook, Google+ (because it is linked to this blog) and my blog...   Months after that decision was made, I am still struggling with that many to do outside of work and my own personnal life...  I am discovering other interest that are not on the Internet... I can't keep up with Pinterest... hardly with Facebook... and I never go on Google+ unless I am posting a blog!

I guess what I am trying to say is that my life as become more important to me and I need to make it more personnal, for now anyway...  I need, time wise and mentally, to cut even more social medias and time spent on the Internet... and I really truly feel like I have shared everything I know on the subject of minimalism, veganism and yoga... I feel like I am repeating myself all the time... and I honestly have no new inspiration!

Basically, I feel like it is time for me to move on and stop writing this blog...  for a long while... and maybe forever...  who knows?   When I took a break a few weeks ago I felt great... and ever hardly thought about writing... now that I announce I would be back, all I can think about is what I will be writing about next... and I am looking for subject and ideas... and they don't come to me! I am putting too much pressure on myself to keep up something I started years ago for myself and turned into something I no longer "want" to do but "have" to do... and as you know, I do not like to "have" to do things... I do not like rules or restrictions...  and this has become one! 

For this reason, I am, today, saying goodbye... but mostly THANK YOU to all of you my wonderful readers!  I know some of you...  others I have no clue who you are.... I know you are from all over the world...  I know, because I got really testimonies, that I have helped some of you... maybe less then I would have loved to... but probably more then I know!  For that, I will always be grateful!

This blog will remain here... open to you... you can come back anytime and reread what you already read or read other stuff you did not have time to read... I will not "close" it...  and you can still share if you wish too...  this legacy can go on but with no new material for now...

I am saying goodbye... but not so long... if you wish to keep in contact with me and/or still receive some advices from me, I suggest that you start follow me on FB (this can be done without a friend request) or you simply add me as a friend (link to my profile is below)!  I almost never refuse a friend request unless you look like/sound like a psychopath!  ;-)

In the hope that this journey has been as interesting to you  as it was to me....

I will wait to hear from you,

good bye,
thank you, thank you, thank you...

love&peace,
nath
xox
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Vegan meeting non-vegan for the Holidays

Today's blog post is inspired by a friend of mine... she suggested, as we get close to the Holiday, that I come up with suggestions on how vegan and non-vegan can share Holidays without any weird feeling on any side...  And this is a great idea indeed as it may not always been easy.  As a hint, I am also preparing something similar for minimalists versus non-minimalists...

Now, all vegans are not created equal and there are many "levels" of veganism so to speak... therefore I would suggest that you figure out who you are dealing with as a first steps....

Let me explain...  I know some vegan who still cook meat for their family... and have it in their homes...  I know vegan who will tolerate meat around them but not in their home and will not, in any circumstances touch it or cook...  I also know vegan who will refuse any meat around them period. And there are some grey zones in between that... Therefore your best bet is ASK!

For example, I will tolerate people to eat meat around me in a restaurant or in their homes (even though I am becoming more and more sensitive to it)...  but meat is NOT coming into my home... nor is dairy, eggs, yogurt or cheese... Or anything made with the latter... 

Now, first mentioned category is quite easy...  your home, their home...  Holiday meal can be as normal as usual with a few exceptions for the vegan person...  In which case, if she is not hosting, I would suggest a potluck type thing where she can bring things over to make sure she can eat....  Or do not hesitate to ask for ideas and recipes... most vegans I know love to talk about food and share recipes for non-vegans to try out!

In the case of people like me, you either have them over... or expect to have a different Holiday experience... I will not have any or the regular stuff on my table on Christmas but I can definitely veganised some standard recipe... the only thing is that non-vegan who are not use to the different taste/texture may not like it...  Then again, do not hesitate to ask your guest to bring something over or share a recipe...

In the case of more strict vegan well then...  you're up to a very different experience if they are included in your Holidays...  and  you may want to have them host the party or select where to go have it...  Stay open minded and keep in mind that you can always have your regular Holiday meal the next day...

Now I write this and I realise that it is asking a lot of flexibility on the part of non-vegans...  and I am not quite sure how it ends up like that... but being vegan, as I experience it, is a wonderful experience, and once you really get into it, it becomes more and more difficult to cook, be close to, smell or even see meat... When you get really into it, all you can see is no longer food but a dead animal cooked and ready to eat...  you can see the suffering... you know the bad effect it has on every one's health and on the environment...  It is then difficult to ask us to "tolerate" it for the Holidays...

It is similar situation to smokers and non-smokers... would you go into a non-smoker home and light up a cigarette? Or light up a cigarette in their face without asking if they mind?
Would you go into a recovering alcoholic home and bring wine as a hostess present? Or if they are at your home serve wine to everyone or would you find an alternative non-alcoholic beverage?
Well expecting vegan to be around meat is similar...  some will and some won't...  because we believe in what we are doing and it is hard for us to accommodate people in such a way that we feel is detrimental to them! Especially loved ones!

I know this may sounds strict for non-vegans... and they may feel they have to give in... or not be respected... but it really is not the case!  We respect and love you (I never forced anyone to become vegan)... and this is why we wish you'd become vegan too... and we hope that being in our presence will make you try new things and discover all the amazing food we eat... and maybe give a chance to veganism...

We are so strict because meat really upset us...  and makes us feel nauseated... it is not just to be particular or different or annoying...

As a summary:

1) When vegan are hosts, be open to new food....  or ask if it's OK if you bring something that may not be vegan
2) When non vegans are hosts, ask if you're vegan friend will accept to be around meat...  and perhaps ask for some recipes
3) Try potluck types meal... there's something for everyone in that situation...
4) Ask for recipes to be shared

Talk, ask, be honnest... before hand... makes everything go smoother on the Day...

Hope this answer my friend's question... and that of many more of you who may have such a question...

p.s. and you know what?  I cannot talk for everyone, but personnaly, I'd rather not be invited if it's going to make things complicated and uncomfortable for everyone....  We can meet one one one at some other times... when there is no need to impress non-vegan guests as well!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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About choice...

Everyday we make them...

Small or big...
Life altering or not...
Easy or not so easy...
Permanent or temporary...
Bringing change or stability...
Asking for action or inaction...
Being easy or difficult to make...
Being quick or a long decision process...
Resulting, ultimately,  in happiness or unhappiness...

But they all come with consequences...  Which we need to assume... Until we get to make another one!

Every day is a brand new day... with brand new CHOICES to make...

And it's up to you to make yours... no one can do it for it!

All the past choices you made resulted in who you are now...  each choices you make today will design your tomorrow... and ultimately your long term life...

The good thing with this is that most are not "permanent" in the sense that you can always make another choice another day... 

They are not ultimately bad or good... Right or wrong... They may have consequences you like or not...  but if you don't you can always make another choice!

I am saying this because as I become more conscious of the here and now, I become more aware that we are making hundreds of choices every day... like it or not!  Conscious or not!

I am also saying this because I realise that most choices we make, until we become aware of it, are not dictated by who we are but by who we thing we are... Not dictated by who we want to be or what we want to do but by what is expected from us...  And THAT is sad...

You get many many chances to reinvent your self daily but as long as you do not realise it, you can't make the proper choice... the choice that is right for YOU!

And some choices, we don't even realise are choices!

Everyday, or most of them, you decide to get up, have breakfast or not, go to work or school, get back home or not and have supper, watch TV or do something else and go to bed...
Do you really make those choices consciously or are you on automatic pilot???
Do you know why you wake up at 6 am?
Go to the job/work/occupation you do daily?
Eat what you eat?
Live where you live?
Do what you do of your week ends?
Have the friends you have?

Do you ever think about those things?  Do you think you cannot change most of them?

Sometimes we think we are "stuck" in our lives... because the decision that would need to be made seems to difficult... Impossible... We think we are stuck in a pattern because we've done it for  years...  because this is what life is (so we think)...  it was that or your parents before you and that of theirs before that...

Let me tell you something:  You are not stuck in your current life!!!!

Of course, that does not mean that overnight you'll have your dream life...  that requires hard work and dedication....  requires your being stubborn and wanting to achieve your objective...  but you can do it!!!!

Years ago I was stuck working in a job I did not hate....  but did not love either...  a job that resulted from my university degree...  I had a young baby and a huge house (not a home)...  I was in a steady relationship in which I did not feel loved or desired...  but hey that is what happen after 11 years with one partner...

Then  I met this incredible man...  and fell in love...  left my partner, sold the huge house and bought a smaller one with my new love...  And we live happily, so we thought, for the next year... then I was diagnosed with MS a neurodegenerative disorder and my happiness felt apart...  for the next 3 years... it was a long process...  but ultimately I made the following choices, that gave me the life I have today, the life I love...  the life in which I feel loved, desired and important...

1) Decided to stay with my new love... every day I make that choice...  and most days are amazing... and we have over the last 12 years loved each other... fought... and made up...  we talk things through, always with respect and love... and after 12 years, I am still VERY happy and in love with my husband... I feel loved and desired... and that is amazing!  The right person is always out there for you!!! Sometimes not where you've been looking for... and sometimes when you are not even looking...  Many, many people disapproved of our relationship because of our very different background... had we listend to them we would have miss on that GREAT realtionship!

2) Changed the way I ate...  and this was a slow process...  I've let go of one thing at a time...  included something better for me...  I used my "small step" approach which for me is garantee of success. I became vegetarian over the course of 2 months... and then 6 years later, I took about 6 months to make the transition to vegan.... I also started cooking everything from scratch... or almost... I really believe it is healthier and I know what is in the food that goes into my body.  Why should I let anyone else decided what I put into my body? This again really is not where I came from... I grew up in a meat and potato family... not too many fruits and veggies...  but at one point I questionned myself and wanted to know how I could improve my health and stop my medication.  This was one of the option.  Although it closed many doors to meals I use to love and place I use to go eat, it opened other ones...  and today, I am healthier and skinnnier... I my early 40s, I have the body (shape, health and strenght)  I use to have in my early 20s.... isn't that amazing?

3) I stated praciting yoga...  and even though some think I joined a cult, because yoga made me change all my life, I KNOW it is not the case.  Yoga changed my life because it has allow me to listen to my inner self and do as she please....  to guide me on the path to my own life... not the path someone else or society drew for me... and when you go against the flow, you may seem weird and be criticised but ultimately, it all comes back to you... if you are happy on your new path, you are the one who has to live your life... no one else can do that for you!  You may hurt some people along the way...  unvoluntarely...  but you are the one who have to live with the consequences of your choices.  If you take other people's choice, you are still the one living with the consequences... and they may be more detrimental to you than your own choices. And how is that fair?

4) I jumped onto the minimalism bandwagon. This too changed the way I eat (simpler more natural food) and changed the work I do and the place I live... it changed what is allowed in my home (not too many things I must say)... It change my financial situation and even though I still have to pay for bad financial decision a few years back, I know this is coming to an end... I no longer watch the news or read the newspaper... I do not watch TV (but I do watch some show on Netflix - difference is I choose them and there is no publicity)... I live in a small appartement and work for minimum wage, part time in a job a love because it allow us to have a nice life... My husband can  pay the bill on his own....  because the bills are not very high - he too does work he loves instead of being stuck in a job he doesn't love just to make more money.  We created a nice life that doesn't cost much because we do not run away from it....  we do not need fancy vacations... or expensives outtings... or shopping spree to relieve the stress...  We can talk to each other, do yoga, meditate and that makes everything better...  Because even though we love our lives, we do have bad days... Sure we'd love to go on a vacation again someday... but when our finances allows for it in 1-2 years...  we are not getting in debt to run away from our life and end up having to go back to a higher paying job we do not like... and get back into that non sense all over again!

Now, I was telling you about consequences... and they were numerous... in the number of people I "lost" making those choices...  but consequences were above all very positive!  I am healthier, happier, I have found love and built a home...  I do work I love...  and filled with purpose...   I feel free...  and I am free...  and I met a bunch of new amazing supporting people...  more in tunes with who I am...  and respectful of my life choices!

Positive consequences far outnumber negative ones because I have listened to myself and I made decisions that were right for me...  Those decisions brought me back on my path...  and this is wonderful...

If you haven't done it yet, try and listen to yourself... what brings you sustained joy and happiness?   What are you looking for day after day?  What did you love to do as a kid? What lights up that flame in your eyes?  THIS is what you should be doing most of the time... 

love&peace,
nath
xox
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OK! All set!!! I'm back!!!

Hey guys!  I am finally back... ready to write again... with some ideas and topics in mind...  I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who volunteered some ideas...  I will keep them into mind!

My blog won't change so much... because most of you wanted me to keep writing on the same topics... and maybe add more easy recipes and nutritional tips.  Since I am no longer writing on Vegan Restaurant Finder blog, I may add this in here once in a while...

Above pictures were taken today on the 2 hours I spent outside in my neighbourhood.  It was chilly (-18 with the windshield) but lovely...  and a nice hot chocolate made it all better once we got home...

Now I want to explain myself to you.... not because I have to.... but because I love and respect you my readers and I feel like I quickly disappear without further explanation.

I started my 108 days to a new life upon moving to Moncton and finished it early October.  At that point I felt great but no too long after, I realised that something was still going on... my 108, even though completed on paper, was not completed in myself!  The days spend thinking and writing and wanting to change my life to make it better trigger something I could not stop...  I was digging deeper then I anticipated and I needed to come to term with some but mostly 2 issues that I wanted to avoid dealing with...  I will not go into details here because one of them implicate other people and I cannot share it here out of respect for them...  The other one has to do with me going deeper into I wanted to become and fastest then I was ready to... 

I realised that rules do no work for me... I am a free spirit... much more then I 'd like to admit it!  Much more then I let it show... I really do not care for material things...  they are nice to have but I  can do without...  I do not care for money... I also do not like to be in control as much as I believed I did over the past few years... I am much happier letting go and see what happens.  Life never failed me... why should it now?  Que sera sera... whatever will be will be...

I also realised that I do not have as much discipline as I'd like to...  I like to do things I like when I like and I can't stick to a schedule or a regimen...  I have "discipline" for things I like and believe in but this is not discipline...  It is just a way of life I choose day by day...  because of my priorities which come first and foremost. 

The most important "things" in my life are not things... they are, after myself, my husband and son...  We're in this together!  I can count on them and they can count on me!

I also came to the conclusion that no matter how much I love my husband, there will be hard times... and he will, sometimes upset me or get on my nerves (and I know I do the same to him)... and you know what?  That is great!  Because it means I care!!! And he cares!!!   In coming here, we've spent more time then ever together since we really have no one else yet...  We had only each other to talk to and aside from work we were always together...  we are now starting to have activities but it took a while for that to happen...  but we made it work... As long as there is love, we can make it work...  A marriage needs 100% of implication on both sides.... it is not 50%-50%... But it needs LOVE...  and tolerance and acceptance...  And we have that...  I know it now!

Last but not least, people will go in and out of your life... whether it's friends, lovers, colleagues, family, acquaintances, stranger, clients...  nothing lasts forever...  Home, stuff, clothes, jobs, anything will go in and out.... but one thing:  YOURSELF!!!  And this is why YOU need to make yourself PRIORITY NUMBER 1!!!  And this is NOT being selfish...  because once you are your first priority, you will be happy and everything will fall into place... and people aroudn you will be happy too...  much more then now...  and the people who will still be around you will be the right ones! By becoming who you are, who you want to be, you will attract the right people for the right reasons...  and then everything will work out!

And this is why I took a break...  the end of my 108 was very difficult and I needed to finish some things... I needed to tie some loose ends...  I needed to get closure on a few things/people... and I did... and I made room for myself...  I work out my schedule so that I can work, cook, read, knit and do my yoga...  and be happy about it!

I am happy to be back... and peaceful...

I am looking forward to the next few posts...

love&peace,
nath
xox
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