Being an introvert

I am an introvert.

I like to be alone. 

Or with a couple of people close to me.

I like to read, knit, sow, draw, paint, do crafts, walk, observe birds and clouds, do yoga and meditation... and I love clothes (not fashion but style).

I am lucky enough to be able to learn quickly and I have an excellent memory.  It has allowed me to try many things and be quite good at them... but I am not detail oriented and not a perfectionist. I was never great.

In my younger years, this was really hard for me.  We live in a society of greatness and spotlight.  I was never the first and hated the latter.  It made me feel like I was never good enough... like something was wrong with me.  And I tried... but deep down I didn't really care... but I didn't know I didn't care... and not caring made me not succeed and feel even more like I was not good enough.  I was not in the right surrounding for an introvert.  I didn't even know what an introvert was until very recently. I was labelled as shy - very shy.  And shy was wrong... I had to heal it... I had to get overt it.  It made me feel like I was not good enough like I didn't belong.  I tried different groups, tried to fit in tried to become less shy as you are suppose to be. Tried to heal.

Go big or go home they say.

I fought for a long time.

To fit it.

To belong.

To be how you are suppose to be.

To go big.

It made me scared, miserable, physically sick.

It made me doubt that I could even be someone.

It made me doubt I had a purpose.

Only to realize years later that there was nothing wrong with me.  I was simply an introvert. That was OK.

It was OK to not like big groups of people, noise or the spotlight. It was OK to not be great and to not have big goals, it was OK to not be a super achiever and detail oriented.  It was OK to not be a perfectionist. It was OK to not fit in.

It was OK to go home.

Then I allowed myself back in my bubble in my nest... where I feel good about myself and my life.  My simple life of  caring for my son and husband... my simple cooking... reading, knitting, sewing, drawing, doing yoga and meditation... my walking and stopping to look at a cloud or a bird right there... playing dress up... my being here and now... and not really caring for the rest.

I don't have big plans, big goals or a bucket list.

I no longer feel, like I should.

I do what I want when I want and how I feel it.

It doesn't mean that I have given up or there is nothing I want to try or do... it just means there is no pressure.  I will do things, try stuff, visit places when the time is right.  Not rushing things but letting them unfold.

I no longer try to fit in.

And I know I don't and never will.

That's OK too.

I am me.

Simple.

Peaceful.

Happy.

Introvert.

Chloe 💜&✌

What makes my world go round...

This is my way of showing gratitude....
I try to do this post once a month or so...
But I think about it regularly...

My son

My love

My adopted sister

My adopted son

The sun

The moon

A sunset

The ocean

A wave

A tree

A bird

A book

Some yarn

Paper and pens, pencils...

Yoga

Meditation 

Fresh and local fruits and veggies 

Walking

My home

My ability to learn

Hugs

Clouds

Rain

Flowers

Creativity

Making something more beautiful...

And this is the order in which it came...

I give myself a minute to come up with that list... and it is what it is at that moment... I can't edit it... 

What makes your world go round?

Chloe 💜✌🌻

Home sweet home

I have mentioned before that in a few years, my husband and I will pack everything and move into a RV for as many years as we wish for...

Then why would I title a post "home sweet home"? It seems contradictory for someone who wishes to pick up and go, just wander from one place to another, to think home sweet home! Right?

Wrong!

But first, we had to define: what is home?

Some people define home as the place they grew up, others, as the place with all their family and/or belongings... where their familiar food is to be found... and I could go on and on... when we sold our house and moved into an apartment, it took me a year to feel home...I felt like I was missing out on so much -the extra space, the basement, the backyard, the pool! Then, I changed the way I was thinking and started looking at what I had gained: less cleaning and maintenance hence more time, cheaper and as a result more money to do things I loved... more time to spend with my young son... and from there I started changing the way I saw my life and started to look at my priorities differently.  It was at that time that I started my journey into yoga and minimalism.

I started to look inside of me, trying to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be. I digged deep... and when I thought I had reach the bottom I digged some more, only to realize that at 35 years old, I was nothing like I had picture myself as a grown up... I was too self-centered, way too materialist, unbelievably stressed and tired, focused on all the wrong things with a bigger then nature ego! I had became everything I despised while growing up! Everything I swear I would never be. I hated myself... therefore I could only see one option: change.  And I took it! Slowly but surely I started changing to who I was deep down, who I always wanted to be before I started listening to people telling me who I should be...

In 16 years together my husband and I have lived in 8 different places (including 6 different cities in 2 provinces). We have moved so often... every time bringing less and less stuff with us... and over time we learned to make it feel like home almost as soon as we got there...

Now, basically, I wash the floors, put my bed up, burn some insence and bring my food - then, I can call it home! Home is easily achieve for us now...

After spending a few week ends travelling in other provinces this summer, I came to realize that I don't care where I'm at during the day... as long as I have my book, I can spend the day anywhere, but preferably closer to nature then a city, as long as I have somewhere to go to at night - ideally, a place I can call home! What I miss most when travelling is my own bed, my own food and a familiar smell.

This is probably why I like camping more then a hotel...while camping, my familiar smell is definitely there as I bring my equipment, it is kind of my own bed and I can pick the food I bring with me and eat!

Can you imagine in a RV? Where basically your home is with you at all time? It would be my bed, my whole space would be infused by my insence, I would have a small fridge and stove for all my essentials, I could park it in the woods close to a lake... and perhaps, as a bonus but not essential, even have my own shower! Alleluia!!!

The purpose of this summer wandering was for my husband and I to identify what we like or not and what we want in the near future... we changed so much over the last couple of years that we had to prove to ourselves the work we had done was successful - and it is, we no longer like to do the things we used to do even on vacation!  Well the RV life from National Park to National Park is what seems to be best for us... and by realizing that we really no longer care for cities, shopping, restaurants and those tourists traps we used to love,  we have revised the cost of living in our RV and it will just be simpler and cheaper then we expected... I just can't wait!

Home sweet home! 🚙 🌳

What defines home to you? Do you really know who you are? Did you dig deep inside of you to find who you are? Are you happy with the adult you became?

Chloe 💜&✌

Not here nor there...

For a while now, I've had this itch to move... not change apartment as that no longer does the job... but move around from city to city, across Canada, America and perhaps the world...  I have have no clue why or what I am looking for... I just know that where I currently live is not it. It is good but not great and I feel like something's missing! I am happy nonetheless but I know something in my environment is not quite right!

There is no way I can be a complete wanderer right now. It'll have to wait a few years. In the mean time, my husband and I have a plan to wander every chance we get: long week end, vacations and even regular week end!

Which is what we did from Friday morning to Sunday night...

We went to Chester, Peggy's cove and Halifax. All in Nova-Scotia.

Here are a few pictures...

We had fun... we relaxed but more importantly we kind of figured out what we are looking for...

Halifax is wayyyyy to big!
Chester a close match although missing some trails in the woods....
Peggy's cove, although magical... is not a place where you can live... but definitely a place I'll go back too often! Every chance I get.

We are coming up with criteria as to what to look for and we identified what we do not want! It's a start!!!

Well, we have 2-3 more week ends coming up... and a vacation in the winter... we'll keep wandering... looking and in the mean time we are visiting amazing places and enjoying the ride... until we reach the destination! If we ever do...

But isn't life about the journey and not the destination anyway?
After all, ultimately we all have the same final destination!
What differentiate is is how we get there!

Chloe 💜&✌

Be more like a lighthouse

Lighthouse in Fredericton, NB

"Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. " Annie Lamott

I came across that citation not long ago and it actually meant a lot to me.

Years aho, I got really sick and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis  (MS).  Not a diagnostic a 30 years old is looking for... and a dark prognostic! But fast forward to now, I am doing great, perfectly healthy (and medication free for 10 years) as long as I keep my lifestyle simple, calm, as stress free as possible and that I eat extremely well...

Now, it took me years to figure out what that means... I researched extensively all the literature about MS, looked into nutrition and stress management... and it actually turned out that the solution I found worked for MS but it could also do wonders for many many other conditions! It is not simple to implement living in the world we live in but I had to make a choice... and I did! It came with positive and negative consequences and I assumed them both as the positive out weight the negative by far. But this post is not about that.

Now, being the person I am, I started sharing my discoveries as I wanted to help others... save them time and suffering! The thing is, I became really convinced that I had the solution... and still am, and I am not alone believing in it. It came from a good place... and good intentions but I was not helping myself... and I was getting annoying... I started annoying mysel!

I knew you can't save people... you can't do the work for them but somehow I didn't see that was exactly what I was doing. A butterfly needs to open his cocoon by himself or he won't survive as his wings won't be strong enough...you can give the caterpillar a place to make it's nest but that is all... But I wanted to much...

There is only so much a tiny woman can do before running on low battery all the time. So I backed off. I had to, I was making myself and my family miserable.  I went back to my source... did more work on me, at a different level.  This work allowed me to find the real me. Underneath the conditioning to alwaysbe the best... after shedding my ego... I found it...There it was: my solution!

I could not save everyone.
I could not save those who do not wanted to be save.
I was not there to save anyone.
I had acquired knowledge and was ready to share it but I could only do so with people who asked...
I was exhausting myself to do something that was never meant for me to do.
I just had to be the best version of me I could be.

Everyone will go through their own life... and struggles and their is not much I, or anyone for that matter, can do about it but listen and lead by example.

So like the lighthouse above, I now stand on my ground... shine as much as I can and trust that the right people will find me.

I have more energy, a better mood, I am more peaceful... and that is what matters more.

Do I wish that in the blink of an eye of could fix all the problems on this planet? Of course... this is in my nature... but I am more realistic now.

Chloe 💜&✌

My reading marathon

Back in January 2016 I started a reading marathon. My objective was to read 42 books during the year... To some this might not seem like a lot but I was never much of a reader!

Sure, I remember reading "Helen Keller" when I was about 10, then "Neverending story" and "Notre-Dame de Paris" around 15 and "The three Musketeers" at about 19... those are the books I remember enjoying... along with my all time favorite "The little Prince" which I probably read 20 times!!! I did read many more out of obligation for school but they didn't really interested me. And then some more as an adult but you know who as time to read?!? In 40 and then some years it is not very much...

You know life... I was mostly into sport as a kid/teenager... Then I went to University and studied science... Started working, got sick, bought a house, had a kid, got divorce, then more sick (has it had never been resolved), worked, worked and worked while raising a kid and starting a new relationship... Reading? Come on! No time for that...

Then I got really sick and had time off... I read "Narnia", the whole 900 and some pages in 5 days as I couldn't do much else. I loved it and it made me want to pick up reading...  In order to resolve my health and mental issues, as suggested by my psychologist, I took up yoga. I started reading about it, along with anything about chakras meditation  healing... which led me to reading about Feng  Shui,  minimalism and nutrition. This is mostly what I did from 2003 to 2016.

In 2015, I was working part time and picked up reading a little more, widening my horizon, and this is where the idea of a reading marathon came along. At the pace I was reading then, and the time I allowed myself reading, 42 books in a year was challenging... it averaged 3,5 books per month!  But as I read more, I picked up speed and finally ended my 42nd book mid October! I was thrilled and by then I had became an avid reader! I expanded my reading list to pretty much anything!!! 

I had learned to let the Universe chose what I was reading... let me explain.   I would make a list of what my friends were reading, of what some stranger sitting next table to me was reading, I would take suggestions, note what book were mentioned in the one I was reading, pick up anything that draw my attention at the library either because it seemed misplaced or was a recommendation... I did not buy any books! Only library of friend's loan... I came to realize that I read 42 books in a little over 9 months that were all exactly what I needed when I read them!!! They were making me laugh when I needed to relax, cry when I had to let stuff go, reflect and dig deeper when I was ready for it... By letting things happen, I have resolved many issues during those 42 books!

Then, a friend of mine, suggested that I kept reading at the same pace, letting books come to me in the same way, until I reach 150  books claiming that something would happen... and it did!!! At the time I expected to reach that point by the end of 2018... but as they say, when something is important to you and you keep showing up to it, the Universe will make it so that you can keep doing it more and more! And this is what happened! It is now mid 2018 and I have read around 200 books. I am no longer keeping track, I just read a lot!  I have an ever growing list of to-read books.  I still let the books chose me and take what they have to teach me.  I have read numerous novels, old and new... scientific books on evolution, trees, animals... philosophy and psychology... more about meditation, yoga, chakras and the meaning of life... about religion and spirituality... biographies... I have to admit that in every book there was something to be learned! Every book carried a message.  I have been able to grow, learn and heal... I have resolved very old issues... and I like to believe that I am a better person for it.  I know that I am definitely happier and more at peace!

And, the most amazing thing is that as I read, I kept picking up speed, my memory improved and my brain started working in a different way... relationships between stuff were understood - links between seemingly unrelated subjects were seen... as if my brain became a giant web of knowledge and understanding! I am not pretending I know everything... far from it! But I know more and understand differently! I disvovered new interests. Life became clearer! I found my path... and developed a more regular meditation and yoga practice.  I also made reading a must in my daily routine. I will keep on reading... I don't know how I made it all those years without it...

I am grateful for my friend who will recognize himself here... it was one of the best suggestion anyone ever gave me!

Chloe 💜&✌

Life is though... 😉

The biggest life change since I stopped blogging almost two years ago is that I retired!

You read this right.... at the young age of 45, my last day of work was February 7th, 2018! My husband and I had been planning this for 4 years! I had been all my life...

Despite what I made myself believe for years I never was much into work... that is work traded in for money! I am not lazy... I am always busy, doing something! I just don't like rules, being told what to do when and dress codes! I loved most job I had but the most rewarding ones were the least well paid ones... and despite me being quite a feminist (but that is not the subject of this blog), I am happiest at home taking care of my loved ones! Confusing? For sure...  but I am a walking paparadoxe.

It took hard work as a couple to get to that point. Anyone who read me before knows that my husband and I had quite a few problems in our lives... and that I was a shopaholic! We had debts... went through many layoffs... and had a challenging financial situation for a very long time. But we worked on it... the psychological issues and the finances. Over the years we  decreased our family income almost three fold. We went from not making enough to having extra! Yes, you read that right - with almost 3x less money, we now have more then enough... are happier less stress and I could afford to retire!

Now, don't get me wrong... it hasn't been easy.  We had choices to make, decisions to take, healing to do... we had ups and down... and some fights... but we always had the same goal in mind! This is what made us succeed!

Now, you may wander why in 2018, we decided to live like it is 1918? Well for values mostly.  Call us old fashioned but I love to cook, clean and do laundry for my husband and son. They don't value me any less for it... they appreciate it. I am less tired and in a much better mood all the time... I laugh more!  We all have more time to sit down with each other and enjoy ourselves... it puts less strain on each one of us! We all are better people for it.

The decisions we made were to live in a smaller and older apartment but in the end, it feels more like home because I have time to take care of it and make it better... we also lowered the groceries budget (we still eat healthy food no worries), but having more time to cook and shop for food we have less waste and that is great in do many ways! Also by addressing my menu, I have chosen a few healthy and cheaper recipes that we eat over and over again - for someone's who's favorite hobby/chores is NOT cooking, that is perfect! We cut home internet (that was the subject of a previous blog) and that is one of the most freeing thing we have ever done - along with going back to flip phone! And last but not least, our "coffee" budget was decrease by half! We go as often except we've let go of the fancy, too high in sugar, drinks in favor or simpler coffees and teas! Less expensive and healthier!

As a result, we both have more energy, time, money to be out and about on week ends... I can still shop enough to satisfy my fashion sense... and I am no longer a shopaholic ( although well aware that once an addict always an addict)

I have all the time I need (or should I say want?), to read,  write, knit, sow,  do some art, crafts, practice my yoga/meditation, walk, enjoy nature, do my bird watching, sky observation, plant identification... I have time to fill myself up so that I can be of help to people around me. Isn't that what life is all about? What fun is it to always be tired and stress out?

It works very well for us... after 6 months, we all are happier... so why not? Who cares what people say or think?

Everyone has to find their winning combination!
It rarely is the obvious one.
Dig deep... meditate... listen to your inner self and then DARE TO BE YOU!!!

THE REAL YOU

THE YOU YOU WERE BEFORE THEY TOLD YOU WHO YOU SHOULD BE.

UNFUCK YOURSELF.

Chloe 💜&✌