On living with a chronic illness

I can now see this part of my life differently....  a lot differently and I wish to share with you my experience...

In 1997, I had a facial paralysis...  which, according to my doctor, was due to a virus in my inner ear.  Years later we concluded it was my MS onset.  I was 24, soon to turn 25.  I celebrated my birthday with an eye patch because my eye would still not close properly.
Little did I know at that time my life would never be the same.

In 2003, almost exactly 6 years later day for day, I was diagnose with MS following an optical neuritis (loosing vision in one eye in a split second - it lasted for weeks).  Vision came back.  Diagnosis remained.
On that day, I knew my life would never be the same.  I expected the worse.  MS would dictate my life from now on.

In 2007, still in October (like in 1997 and 2003), 10 years after my initial onset, I decided  not to let MS dictate my life.  I became vegetarian and stopped drinking milk.  I took up yoga, meditation , some form of minimalism and stopped all medication I was on.

Today in 2015, almost 18 years after my initial onset, I am perfectly healthy... my life has been turned upside down several times... 
I am now completely minimalist, hard core vegan and a devoted yogi...
I live in Moncton, 1000km aways from where I spent all my life...
I work part time as a barista despite my bachelor degree in biochemistry...
I have published a book that you can find on Amazon...
I am a self taught nutritionist (being a biochemist did help with that)...
I coach people on how to eat/live better...

Up to this week, where the revelation came upon me, I tough MS did not dictate my life anymore...  I tough I was "free" of that...  but you know what?  despite my vibrant health and the fact that I am doing much better then even the best prognosis doctors gave me when I was diagnose in 2003...  despite the fact that I still do not need medication, walking aid or anything of that sort... MS is still and will always be part of me.. part of who I am...  it made me become the person I am today... 

For this, having MS is the best thing that ever happened to me.  It opened my eyes to the fact that my life was miles aways from my dream life....  it made me reconnect with who I was, who I am and who I will always be... It made me found my mission in life... my purpose... my essence.

I needed a "huge kick in the ass" to see things clearly...  but I finally understood.

And I am acting on it... every single day...  I am talking/writing/living a vegan minimalist lifestyle which I am convince is The best way to save our health, our kids and our planet.

thanks you MS...  I will not forget what you did for me.

what about you????  what was your "kick in the ass"???  what made you found your way in life?

love&peace,
nath
xox
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What makes my world go round... take 3!

Time again for this post.... I like to make one of these every time I've gone trough some more difficult time and it has given me the opportunity to reconnect with myself and grow... and realise that life is WONDERFUL!!!

So what does make my world go round here and now???

Eating local strawberries before I even get home with them

Drinking tea looking at the lake
Drinking with with my hubsband while reading

Watching old re-runs of Friends

Cooking a new whole food, plant-based, low fat meal for my son and husband

Walking around the lake
To see people around make changes to improve their lives

Modifying pieces of clothes I own so they feel like new at no expense

Sitting by the lake and watching the baby ducks and geese

Taking a bike ride

Looking at the sunset

Reading "A brave new world" for the 4th times

Making plans/project for the next few years with my hubby

Shopping in my favorite antique store right by my home for the perfect vintage dishes

Planning my short trip to Halifax

Getting into my "Wanderlust" book

Buying local bread at the market

My job

All the awesome people I know and love
Knowing that my son is having a blast in Montreal with his family

 

 

What about you???  What makes YOUR world go round???  Did you even think of it...

 



love&peace,
nath
xox
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my view on... letting go of people

Hello!

a while ago I started a new series of post called "my view on".... and asked you guys to come up with subject you'd like me to share my opinion on.  Well you did a good job and honestly most subject got me by surprise...  and believe it or not some got me "speechless"!

I had to think about it... this one was an example of that...  and even though I had to "do" it several times in my life, I realised that I never really let go....  in a sense.  Most of the time, other people let go of me because they admitted to themselves, way before I did, that our relationship was not going anywhere.  And even then, I still tried to stay in touch... somehow...  honestly NOT the thing to do.  After working on this for about 6 months now, I think I got this figured out... I can let go....  and I can move on... and remember those people as good memories without carrying them in my present...  It was becoming very "heavy" and very "toxic" for me to care for those people whom have decided to move on or with whom I  no longer have anything in common... (this question got me to do LOTS of work on myself but help me grow... so to the one who asked it, THANK YOU!!!)

When you change as much as I did over the last 7 years, it is very likely, and quite frankly normal, that most people you surrounded yourself with will not follow all the way... depending on the nature of the relationship, some will hang around longer... sometimes for good reasons, because they really cared... or because they also want to move in the same way as you... and other will just stay for all the wrong reasons...  because you are blood related, because you were friends for so many years, because you've known each other all your life...  because of money in the case of a spouse or intimate relationship...  because there are kids involved and you do not trust them to deal with change and adapt to a different life... and I could go on and on...

I say it is normal because they do not have to change because you are...  they got to know another side of yourself... a side of yourself you decide to part from...  and that is OK!  Nothing last forever...  people change and move on... and it is desirable that you go your own path... even if it means parting ways with people...  when you leave someone behind, somehow it makes "room" for someone new...  and the new person will be attracted to the "new" and "improved" you and hence will share similar ideas/interest/passions...  it will feel more natural and not fake or forced...

Now when is it time to let go???  It all depends on each individual...  you have to be ready to let go... and move on....  you have to be confident that by leaving someone behind you'll still be OK.  You have to understand and be ready to part "forever" because sometimes life will bring you back together and most times it won't...  just because parted ways rarely cross ever again...

I came to the conclusion that for me, it is time to let go when someone no longer "allows" me to be myself....  if I have to put on a mask when I see them.. if I have to pretend I am who I used to be....  if I have to avoid certain subject to not get into an argument...

Another sign that it's time for me to "get out" is when people are turning around everything I say or think against me...  when people project on me their own perception of the relationship (for example they are saying that I am judging because this is who they are)...  In psychology you learn that people see in others what they do not like about themselves... this is very informative to know when someone "accuse" you of something...

I am 42 years old... I worked a lot on my personality, health, life to become who I always wanted to be... to let the "mask" down...  it cost me a lot... in every sense of the word and I think I deserve to enjoy it... so if you are a cloud in my happiness and there is no way this cloud is moving away soon, I am sorry but I have no room for you (and you shouldn't have for me either)...  this is how I deal with it... and some people "threaten" me that I'd end up alone behaving like this but I found it has been quite the opposite...  I felt more alone alone when I was forcing myself to be someone I was not to "get along" with the wrong people...  or to hold on to someone for the wrong reasons... and don't get me wrong, for everyone that was in my life in the past, I have very good memories and souvenir... and I am happy they were there for the time they were...  but they are in the past and I am now creating other good "memories" every day...  because what you live today is actually a good memory for tomorrow!

Life moves on... and so should we... nothing lives forever...  no us, not relationship, not anything...

Now, I can hear your question... what about family?  And THIS is sincerely the most difficult one but family is define by humans as people related by blood/genes.  It stops there.... my family will always be my family...  but it doesn't have to be my web/support...  it doesn't have to be my friends or the people I go to or talk to the most...  We, Human, attach a big importance to family, as we defined it, where as in other type of animals, the importance of family changes a lot from species to species... I will not give you a course on animals behavior, but it is very informative to look at them...  Why would we make family or life long friends the most important people in our current life?

I consider like minded people a better fit for me then anyone else... and I know it may change again over time but I trust that I will always have like minded people around me... because people get attracted to you according to what you show them...  as long as you show your true self, you will attract like minded people and never be alone.

I hope this answer the question I was asked about who do you know when it is time to let go of someone... 

love&peace,
nath
xox
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this is who I am... take it or leave it!

Well...  I have just realised that I did not write a blog post in over a month.. wow!  Times flies...
I have been busy... dealing with personal stuff... 
I have been busy reflecting on my past and  analyzing my present and design my future...
I have been busy mourning, yet more people, still alive, who are abandoning what they call a "fake ship"...

I needed time to figure things out and I did just that...  I am coming back once again stronger then ever and believing in myself and what I support even more then before...

Change is difficult:  It comes with a price...

the ones of you who are friends with me on FB have seen that sentence a few times in the last few weeks... 

What I omitted to say, because I could not see it at the time, is that it also comes with rewards... once the "price is paid"...

In the last few weeks I have been called a few things...  words I do not dare say here because they come from people who are stressed out and sick and cannot see the end to it...  people who used to believe in me but are abandoning me because "change is too difficult" for them and they rather stay as they are then try and feel better... and that is OK. No grudges hold.

I have to say that this current post was in part inspired by a friend of mine who made a nice post on FB yesterday....  we see so many "fake stuff" or "lies"... we see so many people pretending to have life they don't... she was really honest on who she is and I admired that...  I tough I might do the same here.

I will not excuse myself for what I am about to say... this is what I believe with all my heart and I will not change my mind...  at any cost..  now you can or cannot agree with me 100% but that does not change anything with me...  with mutual acceptance I do respect you and I understand that not everyone can and will live like me.  This is all right with me despite what some people think my opinion on this is. I am more tolerant and flexible and respectful than some people think.  I just do not see the point in surrounding myself with people who criticize me all the time.

I am vegan... I eat a whole food, plant based, starch based, low fat diet with as little as 5% of my food coming for a package.  I do not eat out more then 5% of the time and when I do, I am this annoying orderer that ask for exceptions and replacements...  I do not care about this anymore...  if I am paying for my food and I have to put it into my body, I choose how I want it... and you know what, ask nicely with a smile, no server ever gave me a hard time!
On that note, I do believe that the way I eat is the healthiest... and quite frankly the only way to eat to be healthy all your life. I understand that being healthy comes in different shades of grey but to be completely healthy there are not many options...  this has been proven over and over again in many different places on this planet and in many different studies by independent doctors. 
Why is this information not more readily available?  because politicians and big corporations have no interest in having this information come out... if everyone would start eating like I do overnight, the economy would crash...  and since money rules the world, a lot of wealthy people are working a lot  and spending the big bucks to come up with false/biased studies to reassure most people...   to reassure the masses and it works.
Now if you want to eat the standard American diet... any version of it, that is your choice and I will respect it, however, do not try and convince me that this is the right thing to do by showing me studies paid for by the meat/dairy industries...  or having me read something in a mainstream newspaper. I simple won't believe it. 
One more thing, do not come to me to complain about such and such disease if you are unwilling to change anything to feel better... there is nothing I can do for you.
Another thing with veganism is that it is proven to decrease the number of diseases...  therefore save money to government and hence us regular people...  if less people would be sick, we'd pay less taxes! If you do not do it for your health, think of other people...  or your wallet! And while thinking of others, think of the fact that people worldwide are starving because you want to eat you ribs, or steak...  if you don't care about your own health, you may not care about that of others but I do not think that anyone can be insensible to a starving child in Africa.   One last thing while I am on the compassionate subject: if most of you keep eating the American diet, the planet will be destroyed much faster then you can even imagine...  is this what you want to leave to your kids/grand kids?
I am therefore saying that if you do not opt for a vegan diet for yourself, maybe you'll do it for the animals in the Amazonian forest... or the starving kids in Africa...  the polar bears... or you kids/grand kids future.  Have some compassion.

I am a minimalist for essentially the same reasons...  we cannot keep using all the raw material we used indefinitely...  all raw materials are finite.  We cannot keep on filling our landfills at the pace we do now because we'll end up having no room for trash in a few years.... maybe sooner then we think.
I am also a minimalist because I refuse to let some big corporation decide for me what I want/need.  I believe in free will... I believe that I can make a choice about what I want/need. I believe that there is more to life then working my ass off to earn big dollars to buy stuff someone decided I needed... I believe that life is more then a $ sign...  I believe in experiences... meeting new people...  I believe in sunbathing, walking in the rain and reading... I believe in being there for my son when he gets back from school with a batch or warm vegan cookies... and us having one while sipping tea and chit chatting about our day... I believe in making most of the stuff I need... I believe in finding new purposes to the stuff I no longer need...  I do not wish to keep up with the Joneses because I have never met anyone who did it that were satisfied with their life... including me!  I was there... I was like that...  and I decided to change because I didn't want to be stress anymore... I wanted to live a simpler life... a more meaningful life so I decided to chase something else then possessions.  This is what I believe...  and I am, once again, convince that this is the best way to be stress free and happy...  as proven, there again, by numerous populations worldwide...  that have not yet embarked in the American lifestyle... and are stress free.... no crime incidence...  paradise on earth.
If you ever want to give me a gift, make it something you bake or made with your hands....  make it something that makes me think of you when I see it...  make i something I can consume or use on a daily basis... or just don't give me anything but a nice hug before we have a cup of tea...  I no longer have use for stuff (and  I may have been one of the worst/most over consumer I ever knew)...  And I understand that it may not be your case, that you may lie your life filled with a house and cars and pools and furnished rooms and overflowing closets...  and that is OK...  Trust me, I understand, years ago I could never have imagine myself living the way I do now... but life happens.

This is who I am... and I will not change... this is what I believe is the way to live for a sustainable future... I live a life of compassion... and some people think I am inflexible/strict, etc...  and it is right... I am strict with my lifestyle because I do not see how living any other way could bring me more pleasure/satisfaction...
I am had core... yes....
I understand that not all of you may join me.... but I am calling upon those who want a more sustainable/happier/stress free/compassionate lifestyle... 

I have to understand that people may feel threaten and this will not bring the best out of them... but this is who I am...  and although I understand and respect the fact that you may not understand/join me in my lifestyle, I will never tolerate the lack of respect...  this is why, I am offering you a chance to unfriend/stop following me me with no harsh feeling and no grudges hold....  I'd rather keep like minded people or people who are aiming toward a similar lifestyle to mine... I want to concentrate on people who want to turn their life around and "forget" about the ones I cannot help... Whether  we've known each other for ever, whether we are family or not.... wheter we just met... if you do not agree with how I live... if I am in no way an inspiration to you, go ahead and move on...  feel free to do so!

This is my calling.... this is my way to change the world...  this is the only way I am happy....  writing what I think/believe is right and share.. and help others...  when I don't do it or start censuring myself to "please" the mass I start dying a little inside...  I do not want this to happen...

It does come with a price... I changed radically over the last few years and hence the people I was surrounded by used to be my tribe for the lifestyle I used to live....  now when you change as much as I did, your tribe will most likely not follow... not all the way anyway.... and loosing members one by one is painful but is a necessary price to build a new tribe... every time I loose a tribe member, I gain a new one... and that is life... as a minimalist, I cannot be attached to stuff or money....  or people....  people come and people go...  all will remain in my heart and will not be forgotten but not all can follow.... and that is OK.   That is more then OK.

The last few weeks have been very hard on myself and at one point I was ready to give up... to stop saying what I think.... to stop trying to help people... to close this blog and my FB page as well as my Google+ profile... but after many walks by the lake...  many meditations/yoga sessions... many discussions with close friends I decided to keep on going...  not count my losses anymore but concentrate on my gains... stop focusing on the price and start counting the rewards... 

because I am a good person who's only wish is to meet like minded people and start a revolution in this world... start changing this work to make it a better place... " I have a dream", "be the change you want to see", "Imagine all the people..."  all are sentences I go by... M.Luther King, Gandhi and John Lennon are all very inspirational to me... 

and this is why I am calling to you my like minded readers... please share this post and add my as a FB friend if you want...  ask you friend to join us in this community of "world changer" because the more the merrier... and because if we do not give up, we will succeed!!! 

love&peace,
nath
xox
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Time to look back on a life experience

Hello!

almost a year ago I announced my decision to move from Montreal, the city I grew up in and thought I would never leave, to Moncton  10 hours drive away... I did that with a #108daystoanewlife perspective (you can read my posts about those 108 days in the section labelled 108 days!).

I wanted to change a few things...  I wanted a quieter and yet even simpler life...  I had goals and objectives and challenges...  You can read about it all if you want but my goal here is not to go over them in great details... All I wish to look at is HOW I lived through 11 months being away from every one I knew beside my husband and son...

We got into this adventure all together and aside from my son, who went to see his dad, none of us went back to Montreal and we did not even see anyone we knew in our "previous" life.

My ultimate goal was to live the life I wanted free of people's expectation and explanations to give and lessons to get...  I didn't want to feel like I was letting anyone down... disappearing was the best solution to me. And it worked! I did manage to get exactly the life I wanted... it did take a little longer than I anticipated for everything to fall into place but this week, the last few puzzle pieces came into place.  All good things comes to those who wait.

Main achievement for the year:

Got back to my natural hair color : sometimes I still think about dying it again.. but then I realise that people here got to know me and love me this way!  Why bother and waste money putting some chemicals in my body??? 

I started really dressing the way I want - and even got to a really low number of clothes...  This is super cool and a time/money saver.  I only own clothes I love and feel great in.  REALLY.

I did get over my shopping addiction.  FINALLY.  I really have no interest in shopping and when I really do need something, I feel like I am wasting money...  and try and extend my need as much as I can before I go and buy it! I also only get "on sale" stuff... or pre-owned! Some would say I have become "cheap" I like to think I have become savvy... or wise!  We pay things, in general, way more then we should.... waiting for a sale is legitimate.

I managed to keep plants alive!  I have 4 thriving now and hoping to get a couple more. I will also start a herb garden and put flowers on my patio.

I have lost interest in watching television shows... I have Netflix and am following 2 shows (Dr Who and Supernatural) with my son but mostly to spend time with him...  he loves to watch these with me! I also got a new interest in documentaries... but not anyone as I find most of them are not in depth enough and still are trying to put "normal" thoughts in my head without explaining the "why" I should think like that.  I am now seriously ready to get rid of my television all together. 

I enjoy spending time doing NOTHING at home... just watching the view of my lake!

I realised that all that matters to me is living a peaceful life with my husband and son...  I enjoy cooking and learning about nutrition as well as reading.  Taking walks outside, going to have a tea with friends or family...  nothing else really matters. Doing yoga and more and more meditation.

I have refine the way I eat further more... staying away from process food at least 95% of the time...  and working on it.  I also cut down all process oil...  But what are you eating you may ask???  Mostly starch (legumes, potatoes, rice, oats and whole grains) alongside veggies and fruits.  With the occasional nuts and seeds. This is the diet of people in Asia and Africa who are 99% free of all the disease we know here and also in countries where people live the longest and active life.  This is what I want for my life.

I am working part time doing work I love - no matter how disappointing this was to some, I enjoy it and I have no intention of ever working in an office ever again...  I would miss the people's connection too much.

Now, I have also learned a lot about myself and the human nature in general while living this experience...

I am VERY  independent and stubborn.  And I love it!
When I care for someone I can go a long way... but if I don't or no longer do, there is nothing you can do/say to change my mind.
I do not miss "Montreal" AT ALL (and will never go back) and that shows my that I am more of a wanderer then I always wanted to admit to myself... I will definitely not stay put for the rest of my life!
I do not miss people in general...  Loin des yeux loin du coeur.... Except for 2 friends and they know who they are!

Now about human nature...

people are full of good intentions... but rarely follow through.  They rather found excuses. Easier.

people who get to know you for who you really are, are the ones who care the most about you. They know you are authentic and it builds a strong bond!

but unfortunately, most people are NOT authentic...

And last but not least, I have met a great deal of amazing people here in Moncton...  many who came here from other places kind of for similar reasons to mine:  run away from a life they no longer liked.  Some who spend their whole life here but are bringing about change in this community.  And some young people who honestly bring back my hope in human kind.  Not many.... but we do not need many to change this planet... a few seeds can grow an amazing forest!

on that note.... hope you will have a chance to experience such a lovely life changing opportunity...
Really...  you should do it!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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Steps to become a minimalist

Hello my friends!

I am often asked to write about "why" and the "what it gave me" to become minimalist...  people need to be convince that I am happy... not missing out on stuff... and somehow, they need a reason for me to have done that in order to understand... because this is SO out of the ordinary.  It is becoming a more and more popular trend but it still goes against the main current and against what society expect from us.

And somehow I feel like I have said enough about they "why" and gave enough justifications and good reasons to be a minimalist... Today I wish to share with you a few tips on how to give it a try... because only if you try it you'll be convince of the good it can bring you.  Enough talking and reading about it... it is not time that YOU give it a try!  And I can guide you...

Here are a few steps you can take to help you out...

1) Figure out what matters MOST to you. Because minimalism is not voluntary simplicity, there is room for a little more in that movement...  but not everything.  Therefore you need to find out what matters more to you...  It could be books, going to coffee shop with friends, art, cooking, clothes, electronics...  it could also be "doing" something, like trips, activities, theatre and shows...  YOU choose... it is your life. Now, once you know what you really truly care about, you can purge the rest...

2) Identify what minimalism is to YOU. Minimalism is not about a given number or look... it is about living with with what you love, the life you choose and not clutter your life with anything that you do not really truly care about.  Some minimalist live in 200 sq.ft apartment and others in 1200 sq ft houses...  some will do with 33 items if clothing and other have walk in closet...  or then again, almost no furniture versus more...  and we all know that guy who lives with 100 items! This is not for me.... and it may not be for you... Also, be open to have your definition of minimalism change with time. I thought, 7 years ago, that I could never live the way I live now... but I can.  It will change with time... as you take smalls steps, you may go further then you even imagine... or not even close!  What matters most is that you are comfortable with your level of minimalism.

3) Start the decluttering.  At your own pace.... Now that you know what matters most and where you want to go, start slowly... one room after another.  Some people will suggest that you start where there is the most clutter.... I would tend to say the opposite... overwhelming yourself in a very crowded room or area is not easy and it may seem to difficult... by starting slowly you will see results rapidly and will be encouraged by them. You can set yourself the objective of one room per week...  and slowly but surely you'll get it all done...  within weeks or months...

4) Use common sense. Be patient. Be forgiving. Giving up stuff you had for years or all your life is not easy...  not always anyway.  Sometimes there are sentimental issues and these can be hard to deal with...  in those cases, you can keep the item for a while longer even if you know that in the long run it needs to go...  give it time...  and do not be too hard on yourself....  I have done this for many years now and some items, even though I knew they would stay in a box for years to come, useless really, but they had their use... I needed to grieve something related to those objects...  Some I have just really recently let go off...  And that is OK!  If you cannot let go of something because of sentimental issues but yet cannot stand having the item clutter a room, you can start a box with those items and put them away in a wardrobe or in the addict or garage... when you are ready you'll get to those.

I could go on and on... and there are many list on different blogs on how to go about this... some are very long... and others like mine are shorter and more to the point...

The important thing to understand is that there is no point in making minimalism complicated! That would be silly...

You keep what you love and use... you toss the rest. That is the ONLY rule!

One last thing, do not forget to look at ALL areas of your life...

Stuff - easy to look into...  we all see it all the time... but do not forget hidden place in your home!
Agenda - are you too busy???  Declutter your agenda too...  THIS was the most beneficial to me!
To do list - do you really need to do ALL those things?  Really???
Social medias - can be a HUGE vwaste of time...  look into it... keep those with added value only.

I hope this will be of some help... and that you will finally get started on your minimalism path!
And if you need more convincing on WHY...  and WHAT it will give you, you can have a look here at any post labelled "minimalism"...  There are more then 100s of these...  you should find what you are looking for!  And if you don't well just ask me in the comment section at the end of the post!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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living "well" with MS

This is no longer a secret.... I have MS.
I've had it unofficially for 18 years....  and 12 knowing it...

Why am I writing this today?

Because I am struggling a little lately...

No crisis...  no major symptoms...  no need to go see my doctor or start taking my medication again....  I have not done so in 8 years and not planning on going back to that!

But I know my body... it's sending me warning signals that I cannot ignore and I need to rest and calm down... and most importantly let go.

All that said, MS has been with me all my adult life...  or most of it... and it will always be there...

I deal with it well 95% of the time...

NOT BECAUSE I AM LUCKY like some people say... because I take extremely good care of myself...  I do almost everything right to tame the beast...

I eat a vegan diet
I have recently switched to 97% free of process food diet
I sleep well
I do yoga
I practice meditation
I work part time
I live in a relatively low stress environment
I manage my stress
I do not drink alcohol (nor smoke of do drugs but I never did that anyway)
I keep away, as much as possible, negative energy in all it's form

This makes me pretty happy and healthy!

Now, I need to work on eating more organic... switching to a deeper more meditative and spiritual form of yoga... as well as let go more of things I cannot control!  Control freak and MS do not go well together.

MS will always be there...  and I am only human...

Sometimes I would like to be "normal"... and blend in... I use to...
I would love to do something crazy... like a spartan race... but cannot work out to that level...
I would love to run a marathon... but it is physically not possible - I've been there
I would love to own my business again... but it is WAY too stressful...
I wish I could use my BSc and have a career (I use to)... but I can't work so many hours anymore....

I manage my health well but it comes with a price... it comes with the price of being different...  being vegan... being a minimalist...  being boring (yes some people have said that of me)... and antisocial....

I am labelled..... even though I freely used those labels now, I only do so because they were "given" to me to replace the "being sick with MS" label! It's a fair trade.

OK... maybe I do not truly wish or would truly love the above mentioned statements... because I know they'd come with a price which I am not willing to pay!
And maybe where I am at in with my life, I know better.... I know you do not really need those things.... and some are actually really not so good for you...  but I am only human...

And sometimes I have my weaknesses... and sometimes when I get to involved how I was raise comes back to me and old patterns surfaces... and this is when it all goes bad!

The thing is, as soon as I get into that "zone" (of wishing, or thinking I could or slipping in my diet) my body sends me small signals... it can be tiredness, it can be pain in my hands or stiffness in my neck... it can be restless mind... it can be slightly numb toes...

But then I know I am going down a path I wish not to take anymore... and then the struggle begins...  I wish, I could only think of those things...  I wish they would only be available to me... like to everyone else...  maybe I'd never do them...  maybe I'd still be vegan and minimalist... and a boring yogi...  lol... but I wish those choices would not have been "forced" on me... to manage a health condition that I wish would not be there! To manage something that really scares the hell out of me.

If only I could feel like the choices to live my life the way I do would actually be mine...  not because I am more afraid of something else then being labelled as the "minimalist vegan boring yogi"

If only I could know how my life would have turned out without MS and maybe be appreciative of what it brought me instead... because most of the times I am pretty sure that I am much better here and now then where I was heading before I found out.

And don't get me wrong... I am not unhappy with the way my life turned out...  au contraire! But if I put it in a more easily understandable way, it's like if someone lost their legs, turned out to run marathons in their wheel chair and won the marathon... they may be happy with the result.... but in the end they may have rather run a marathon on their legs... they just made the best out of a crappy situation... and no matter how great they seem to all the others, they know deep down that somehow they wish it would have been different! Nobody wants to be in a wheel chair.... and no one, ever, wanted to live with a chronic illness... no matter "how well" they handle it to the face of every one they know!

There you have it... this is what I am struggling with lately... and this is why I am off FB for a while.... and still writing this blog which is like journaling to me.... it helps me see things more clearly...

And by the end of writing this, I know I am where I want to be... and my stress and anxiety have gone down... but I also know that the next few days will not be easy and I will be back and forth between both...  I do that every now and then... I just need to do more yoga and meditation...ask my husband for Reiki (which we have schedule for tonight)...  and keep my mind off of stuff... 

I will go through this, this time again...  it takes time to heal... it takes a life to heal.

thanks for reading, I really do appreciate it a lot!!!

love&peace,
nath
xox
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