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Monday, October 5, 2015

a long walk home...





This post may be the hardest I've had to write so far...  and honestly as I am writing it, I am not even sure I will even hit "publish"... as it may only serve me...

I am now home...
It took me almost 43 years to be there...

It was hard for me to admit it to myself... let alone to others...
But most of my life is a lie.  I have lived the life I was "suppose" to... I have lived the life my family and friends expected me to... I always felt I was in the wrong place... I was always uncomfortable...  I felt like I did not belong... ALL MY LIFE!  Even if it didn't always show and I got really good at pretending otherwise.
I came off as a hypocrite... when I was really just lacking self-confidence.
I came off as a fake... when I was just lacking strength to be who I wanted to be.
I came off as not knowing what I wanted... when I was really just testing the audience (family and friend) and see what I would get as feedback...  then go back to my hypocrite/fake self playing the game to be liked...

Most of my life I was someone I didn't even like because I wanted other people to like me... and believed that if I was myself no one would actually love me!
Most of my life I played along... to get people to like me...  to get people's approval... to get job I didn't care for... to live my life like everyone else did...  because this, so I was told, was what I was suppose to do.

Consciously or not, my environment (family, friends, teachers...), knowing where I came from decided where I was suppose to go...  maybe I was not strong enough... maybe I lacked confidence... maybe I should have done then I what I am doing now and say "fuck off - no one knows better then me the life I should have"...

But I did not...  and I payed the price for it...  and I know it came with a price for many other people whom I may have hurt because I have later on "let-them-go"... or shock them in ways that made them let me go...

I no longer keep track of ghosts in my closet... I no longer keep count of who left me... or of who I left...
I no longer know who reads this blog or not that really knows me... or use to know me...
I am not even sure if people I may have hurt are reading it... but if you are one of them I must say I am REALLY SORRY... but I had to do this... I had to stop lying to myself first and to all of you after.

I am genuinely happy you shared my life at one point... all good memories remain... but I am OK with the fact that it is no longer the case... I hope you are to.

I had to go from a caterpillar to a butterfly... I needed it as I was suffocating in my cocoon... It was slowly killing me... normally people do that during their teenage years.  I was to shy, afraid, lacking self-confidence at that point to be able to do it... there was a teenager in there with dreams and passions and wanting to scream at the world... there was a teenager in there wanting to be an artist... a vegetarian...  seeing the world...  and perhaps try and save it!  I never did those things and assumed they were just teenager dreams...  and buried them deep down within me...  and it passed..  and I went on with my life... my adult/mature/responsible life...  whatever that means! Until I had a few really though experiences in my adulthood and then they re-emerge.. slowly but surely...  and refused to be buried again.

I really feel as if it was the Universe speaking to me and refusing that I stay in my cocoon...  saying we need more butterfly like you, please come out! I will give you no other choice!  Therefore after all those though moments, whenever my life started back to be "normal" another one came... until I understood... until I changed...

Then I started making changes to my life... some obvious and others less...  my accomplice was, and still is, my soul mate, my best friend, my lover and husband...  he's there for me... he's pushed me out of my cocoon giving me the strength to be myself.... stood by me when I felt lonely and wonder if I was doing the right thing... stood by me when I was insulted... and hurt by people...  stood by me and saw me emerge...  and become the amazing butterfly I am today... I will never be able to thank him enough for that!

Later on, at one point, it became obvious to me that all the changes needed to be obvious to everyone... I  could be myself home but it was still not enough... I needed to be myself every where and with every one! And this, may have been the hardest step....  letting the people, who have known me all my life, know that I am not who they think I am... that all this time I was just "playing nice" when inside me there was this huge burning desire to be someone else! This was the last step of my transformation... and it really just happened... and if you've been attentive to my FB posts, you may have notice a switch in gear...  They are more direct, more straight to the point... more exactly like what I think... and it does not please everyone... I know.  But that is OK!  If we were all the same, life would be so dull...

I am now bringing my own color to this world... that you may or may not like...  At thins point, I no longer care.
It took me 42 years to get the exact color I wanted to portrait...

It was a long walk home... but the best one ever and I honestly wish that YOU, each and every one of my reader, can one day, find your home. As it is the best place to be even it is mile away from where you are now.

Be who you are... DREAM your life... LIVE your dream...
namaste
love&peace,
nath
xox
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