Which "loose ends"?

Earlier this month, I decided to challenge myself over the new year. I explained, here, the major changes I had undergone over the last 12 years and in this blog post, what I wanted to address into more details.

I already started the work

After I made the decision, I could not just stand there and wait for January 2019 to show up!  I was exited about the challenge and goals and objectives.  I wanted to jump in and start the work.  Right away.  Take a head start...  if it is just against myself, it is not cheating right? ;)

So I started meditating about that more precisely...  I started reading and watching documentary oriented towards helping me reach my goals and objectives for 2019... all this prompted long, deep, meaningful discussions with my husband (who also is my mentor and best friend).

Especially around Christmas...  Christmas this year was NOT easy for me...

And it made me realize the root of all my issues... the one thing to "blame", the one thing that needed to be address if I want this year to be successful. And it hurts. Big time. It is something I already knew had some impact on my life... but I did not realize the impact was so HUGE. I had been shoving it under the carpet, walk around it, brush the surface, paint it another color, dress it up differently... any surface alterations I did... but it didn't change the issue.

The elephant in the room

I finally bumped hard into it and I could no longer pretend it was not there.

This big, painful secret I have been hiding (but is it really hiding if you are not consciously aware of it?) is that I have recently "divorced" my family.  All of it.  And it was not pretty.  Like in any divorce, things were said, actions we taken... hope were crushed and dreams flew away... there was pain and there is regret.

Recently as in a few years back.  There have been attempt at reconciliation since but they always ended up with more pain - for me at least.  I cannot speak for the others.

The truth is, and I do not wish to go into details to what brought us to this situation, we simply grew apart.   To such an extent that at this point, there is nothing to be done. Not now anyway. Most likely never to be truly honest with myself.

This I knew...  I am not that naive. The elephant in the room was no so much the "divorce" but the fact that I have to let go of what I believed to be the truth for so many years.  I have to let go of that had been my truth for all my life. I have to let go of unrealistic expectations.  I have to let go of a future I assumed could be there eventually.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

And this is the most difficult thing I ever had to let go of.
But I have to do it.
For me.
For my son.
For my husband.

How this affects me and could prevent me from succeeding this year

I had to come to the conclusion that my shopping addiction is rooted in my childhood.  And fed by my teenage years.  And reinforced by all those years of adulthood refusing to see I had a problem.

I shop, mostly for clothes, because:

1) I want to prove I am good enough
2) I want to wear "girly", fluffy, feminine stuff - since I was told I was a tom boy
3) I want to wear mature, responsible clothes for my age - since I was told I need to grow up
4) I want to prove to others I too can be pretty
5) I want to pretend I can be who others expect me to be
6) I really want to...
7) because it hurts...
8) because I am sad...
9) because I feel lonely...
10) because I want to feel like I have more...
11) because I do not want to miss out...

but in the end...  all this is NOT me!!!  All those things I buy for others... for "better" version me...  to prove to someone I can be who they want me to be...

All this just end up hurting me more.  End up proving others they are right...

All those clothes, I end up not wearing... or not more than once most of the time...  unless I get complimented on them. Then, even if I am not at ease in them, I will force myself to wear them AGAIN!  Because I got some kind of validation!

I am 46!!!  I should not need anyone's validation but my own.

I know EXACTLY in which clothes I am comfortable.
I know PRECISELY the kind of life I want to live.

I have to let go.
I have to move on.

I have to live MY life!  My way!

I have to completely assume who I am. Not just part of it.  Not just on some occasions.  Not just on good days.

I AM who I am.

I am ENOUGH
I am PRETTY
I am UNIQUE

Conclusion

This is not an easy post for me... to put it out there.  To hit publish (if I ever do hit publish, at this point, I could not be more unsure about anything!)... To show my real face... my real issues...  to admit my messed up family.  To come clean about why I shop so much...

I have been quite honest in all my blog post... but there was this elephant in the room...  and I didn't even know it was there...  all those years, I have been blogging about my life style changes, my struggles, my trials and errors...  I have been trying to help you guys, and myself...  but I could not see that beast right in front of me??? 

I was working on myself... to feel better.  And it worked.  Mostly...  but there was always that itch... that "thing" that did not feel quite right...

Well, now that it is there, and that I know it, I cannot pretend I do not know it is there... and I certainly can't shove it under the carpet!!!

This year, I will let go... I will stop shopping for clothes...  I know I can finally get a good try at it because I know why I do it.

This year, I will become a better me.  BUT, the better me I want to be!!!  Not to satisfy anyone else's expectation.

Is there an elephant in your room? Do you know what it is? How did you get rid of it if you did already?  How are you planning to get rid of it if you haven't done so yet?

if you liked what you read please share!
I know there are a lot of shopaholic out there... try and reach out!!!  They need your help if you are friend with one...

Chloe 💜&✌

Revised authorized expenses for 2019

Why we revised this list already

My husband and I have been debating this list... and we have refined our mid term project so it affected the short term (aka this year) and, as a result, we are more dedicated to our project and the discipline required to go through with this year's challenge.

Quite frankly, at first my husband jumped on board but then was hesitant at the no spending thing.  It seemed to strict for him who is quite OK, in general, with the way we manage our money. He has a different way of seeing money than I do.  After hours of talking about it over the Holidays, we managed to understand each other...  And this new revised list is a derivative of our discussions.

The most important thing is that we see our 3-5 years life plan the same way. We have the same goals and objective however, it has become clear that my shopping addiction is not quite done with and THIS is the main thing about this year. I want to resolve this.  Once and for all. It is becoming an issue for our future at this point - for many reasons.  It is not "cute" anymore!

I will need to work on different aspect of my life to do so and hence the monthly challenges.

OK, I am getting sidetracked it...  so, to get back to my point, here is the revised authorized expenses for 2019.

Authorized spending

1) Budgeted life expenses like rents, utilities, food, toiletries, coffee shop, car related expenses.

   

Yes, we have a coffee shop budget - it is important to us and aside from walking in nature and reading books from the library, this is another hobby we have and the only one that cost us money. 

2) Usable stuff

     a) candles, incense and essential oils

     b) notebooks to replace filled ones - reading books from the library, I do take notes. Lots of them.

3) Razor for my husband - looking for one more sustainable and ecological to replace an old one.

4) Improvement to our living room - we decided to stay put for 3 years and as a result, we need to make the living room a little more "livable" and add comfort to it with minimum expenses.

    a) 2 meditation cushions that we can sit in to meditate or for any other reasons

    b) 2 cushions for our very uncomfortable futon

    c) 1 plant  

5) Trailer tent and any camping/hiking gear that is essential but I forgot to list - not being in the season is hard to remember what we needed as everything is put away in the locker

This is what we want to do full time in a few years so we are slowly gearing up...  And it is also part of our dream life!!! * no more trailer tent...  we will keep our tent!

6) tattoos - one each - we have been planning those for a while...

7) tanning bed - essential for me with MS as it is the best source of Vitamin D in the winter when you live up north like I do. - I really do not go that much and only 3 months per year ( February to April) and once or twice a week.

8) Knitting and embroidery material - I have no "stack" to use up as I buy as I need and when I post my monthly challenges, you will see why I need to allow this.

9) Outings - we are allowed to

     a) go to restaurants for celebration, when on a day trip or special occasions 

     b) go to the movies no more than once per season - we rarely go to the movie... once a year?

     c) go to the SPA no more than once per season there again, once a year? we did not go in years!

     d) go camping - as much as we want and can afford to! This is our dream life!!!

     e) 1 week long trip in nature that could not be camping but needs to be nature bound ? (thinking          this over at this point

     f) day trips/road trips as needed these do not really need to be budgeted for as they only cost gas...

     *** but we do have to remember that any money spend on those will be less money put in the emergency fund,  savings, and towards our ultimate goal in 3 years. which is why we made changes...  we want to spend more time in NATURE!!!

Please note that there is no budget for clothes in there - we can only replace what gets damaged beyond repair IF it is consider an essential, i.e, the only item that could do that job! 

10) We can buy gifts for other people and accept gifts.  However, between each other, we cannot buy gifts for any reason - that is something I could see us doing!  We can only buy gifts for each other on our birthdays, mother/father's day, our anniversary and for Christmas. And there again, keeping in mind that any money spend on that that is not "perfect life goal oriented" will slow us down...

11) Finally, because our house is already filled with barely the minimum, aside for clothes for me, we can replace what brakes down if we can't do without.  This of course, will be a judgment call.

Accountability

I will share here, at the end of each month, my status.  By this, I mean if I bought anything other then living expenses, whether or not it was on the authorized list, I will also share the overall impact on my finances - as you know, my financial goals were to 1) pay of my credit card, 2) have a balance of 1000$ in my savings account, 3) start my emergency fund and work it up to 3k by the end of the year. I know it won't be that simple...  but I also know we actually can do it.  The math works... will we?

What to expect now?

I am sure there will be many ups and downs...  as with any major changes we made already in our lives, it is never THAT simple... but I also know that we will adapt throughout the year and we will make it work! I will keep you posted on any further budget revision...

Are you ready for next year?  Have you set your goals? What are you trying to accomplish in the coming new year? Do you have the support you need?  Can I be of any help?

if you liked what you read, please share...  tks

Chloe 💜&✌

List of books read in December

Hello!

I hardly ever do that... perhaps because I am unsure you guys actually care about the wide diversity of books I read... mostly because, in no way, am I a literary critic...

But I thought that at this time of year, when people are looking for goals and objective for the new year, it might be interesting to share what I read in December... with a little line or two on what it's about and my liking or not of it...

1)  The four agreements  (Ruiz)

About a nicer, more peaceful way to live... nothing new for me but a great reminder of the basics rules of the Universe and how to apply them in my life...

2) Blink (Gladwell)

How we make great decisions in a split second... and proceed to change them with logic afterward... my inspiration for my November monthly challenge. 

3) Just cool it ( Suzuki)

About the very real environmental crisis and what you and I can do in our daily lives to help. There are also solutions proposed for industries and "big shot" people but I just read those diagonally... I was mostly looking into what I could do. Loved it. Hands on and realistic.

4) Nous etions jeunes encore. (Archambault)

Novel. Interesting but nothing out of the ordinary.

5) Because we say so. (Chomsky)

Very interesting social read. Made me think further more about my actions in society and my conditioning. Allowing me to put things in perspective and think over some of my acts and made me want to come up with this early challenge.

6) Ta deuxieme vie commence quand tu comprends que tu n'en as qu'une (Giordano)


Novel from an author I just recently discovered. I ADORE her!!! With a background in psychology her life coaching stuff is very interesting and precisely on the dot! Almost feel like individual therapy with a touch if humor!

7) Conversation on the edge of the apocalypse (Chomsky, Carlin, Chopra, Ram Dass)

Scientific discussions about our society, life after death and possible future of human species. Eye opener... hope giving... quite an interesting, yet not easy read.

8) Oui, mais quelle est la question? (Pivot)

Loved, loved, loved it! Just felt, in many chapters, as if he was reading my brain... hope I could meet this I guy!

9) the year of less  (Flanders)

Still reading... it will follow me for my yearly challenge in 2019. Her battles and honesty will help me resolve my issues...

10) L'aine  (Paolini)

Sequel to Eragon which I read cover to cover in no time... love story of "other worlds"  which always feel so very true to me... Narnia, Never-ending story, Alice in Wonderland... almost feels like going home... 😉
Just started but it will be a great end to my year and a lovely start to 2019!

Any books you loved and would suggest I read in the coming year? I am always open to suggestions...

If you liked what you read, please share! ⛄

Chloe 💜&✌

Monthly challenges for 2019

As you may already know, I have quite an objective in 2019:

Getting closer to the life I want to live and leave behind old habits and conditioning that hold me back!

It won't be easy.

They say that you should do more of what you love and more off it will manifest itself in your life!

It did work when I wanted to quit working (although it took 5 years)...

I will try it again. Maybe I get it faster this time around.

So, for this year, I came up with monthly challenges that will "force" me into adopting new habits and a slightly more appropriate lifestyle as per my wishes.

But first, a reminder of my objectives:

Get to a point where my life is one of wandering - no fixed address and I am finally free of my dependence on "clothes" and shopping. A life filled with nature, yoga, meditation, reading, writing and traveling. Meeting new people, more like minded people, and sharing my experiences.

Here are my challenges, with a brief explanation

January

Knit at least 4 baby blankets and 4 mason jar sleeves for my friend's fundraiser - for a while I had been looking for a trust worthy cause... this is perfect!

February

Read a minimum of 8 books, cover to cover, in a month. Doable but with a 28 days month, I will have to be disciplined!

March

Walk a minimum of 45 minutes per day, EVERY DAY, no matter what the weather is like! March can be warm, cool, extremely cold, rainy, snowy... anything! This will push me out of my comfort zone to have nice walks on nice days... I dread this challenge very much! I will take a picture of the same spot every single day.

April

Do 30 minutes of flexibility exercises per day... to get me ready for hiking/camping season, to get me ready for the meditation challenge and mostly because they say that when your body opens up, so does your mind! Let's do this!

May

Meditate 15 minutes morning AND night, every day. I already do 15 minutes, 4-5 days a week... let's push this!!! Interested to see what it can do to my conditioning, habits and life perception... as well as overall well-being. I am hoping this will stick!

June

Save 1$ as per the date - i.e. 1$ on the 1st, 2$ on the 2nd, ... 10$ on the 10th... this will add up to 465$ saved for a camping trip or my vacation week later in the fall.

July

No television. Nothing to add. I experiment with this regularly and it is always very interesting. When we will be wandering, we are not planning on having a television or Internet in our home on wheels... Great practice.

August

Similar to May but increase length to 30 minutes morning AND night. Reason of pushing it further still... that would be for me the ideal meditation practice to keep for a lifetime.

September

Do yoga every day for at least 30 min - that would be on top of my meditation practice created in May and August. This too, hope will stick.  I would end up with nice morning and evening spirituality practises.

October

Write a blog post a day every single day. No excuses. It can be creative, silly, not like what I usually do, long, short... but it has to be meaningful!!! Not just words... Wanting to push the writer in me!

November

Work on my 6th sense or intuition level. I want to work on this as a result of a few books I read this year which all point toward the fact that the best decisions you can make happens in a split second - before rationality sets in. I need a better decision making skill - less in my head and more out of my gut!

December

Ultimate decluttering - after almost a year of not buying and making do with what we have, what is now useless in my home has to go! I am hoping I can find one item per day.


And last, but not least, we will, this year again, go on an Internet fast from beginning of May to the end of August - as a minimum.  Depending on circumstances, we might extend it further.

Conclusion

I sincerely hope these will bring me closer to my dream life. I am not very far from it but there are still a few, deeply rooted, attachments to our over consumerism society which I wish to part with... the challenges are aimed in that directions and combined with my authorized expenses , which also direct money towards what I love instead of what I am conditionned, I have great hope that this will be a huge year of change for my husband and I.

Any thoughts? Please speak up...

If you liked what you read, please share

Chloe  💜&✌

Why I decided to lose the weight - and how

my feet in the sand somewhere in Chester, NS

In this article, I absolutely do not want to offend anyone...  especially none of you amazing woman (and some men) constantly reading me! I am touching a sensitive subject...  weight!!!

Back in March 2018, at 5'5", I weighed 138.5lbs
And my weight was not at all under control... meaning it was on a ascending curve and it had been for a while.

I decided, at the end of that month, that is was time to do something.

I know I was not very big.  Technically, I was not even overweight. At my height, you have to go above 145lbs before you are considered overweight.

However, at 45, and with my knowledge of the human body, I knew that it was time to do something if I wanted to loose the weight.  It was a race against time with menopause about to set in...

Why did I wanted to lose the weight

I did not like myself.  I was ashamed of my body.  I had not wear a bathing suit in 4 years because of my slowly, but constantly expanding body.  I know, for bigger woman I may sound silly...  or shallow... but numbers are not what I was after (although they help me track my progress)! This has nothing to do with how I liked the numbers or not but rather how I loved myself or not.  It is how you feel that matters.  Not how society makes you feel, but how you really, truly feel. Deep down.

This is only about me, and how I felt and why I decided to loose the weight...

We are all unique.  We have to celebrate it.  And accept it.

And most importantly love ourselves.  Really love ourselves.  It all starts there.

I lost the weight because I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin... not be shamed and love my body.

A little "me" history

As far as I can remember, I was obsessed with my weight.
When I grew up, I was not excessively bombarded by magazines and television...  it was before that time.  Although, when I reached my teenage and young adults years, the image of thin, very thin woman became more present.

I must admit that I always thought of very thin, woman to be very sexy.   Androgen yet feminine looks... My inspirations were Charlize Theron, Audrey Tautou, Jane Birkin, Vanessa Paradis, Keira Knightley...  none of them completely but a mix of everything and anything - their street style, their hair, the way they walked, talked etc...

As far as I can remember I read nutrition facts and ingredients lists. And looked at calories.

I was never anorexic nor bulimic.   I was often times told that I was on the verge of becoming either and watched by my parents for food intake and lack of running to the bathroom after a meal.

When they came out with the term orthorexia, there finally was a term to describe my pathology with food as some would say.  But is it really a pathology to want to control what goes into your body???

In my adult life, my weight has spread between 122lbs and 142lbs.  Back and forth. My thinnest being in extreme stressful situations - stress prevents me from eating. My heaviest when I became vegetarian and started eating too much cheese and process food for a lack of knowing what to eat.

I then slowly started studying nutrition and tried many things:
vegetarian, ovo-vegetarian, lacto-vegetarian, vegan, strict vegan, low fat vegan, no fat vegan, no process food vegan, low fat no process food vegan, juice cleanses, liquid food most of the day, apple cures, Ayurveda diet, starchivore, low fat starchivore, high protein, low sugar, no sugar, annoying vegan... in no specific order and sometimes back and forth from one to another!

and for 10 years I tried and tried... never finding what really suited me.  What make me feel happy about eating and happy with my body and energy level.  It always felt like something was not quite right or to difficult or required too much time in the kitchen or was too expensive!

My breasts and my waists were too big... I was bloated...  and I was always cold and did not have lots of energy... slept too much...  and basically did not enjoy life to it's fullest!

How I finally did it

So back in March of 2018, I decided to stop and listen to my body. It has all the answers.
Meditation helped...
Journaling helped...

I set goals for myself:
Do yoga/meditation a minimum of 30 min, 4-5 times a week
Walk at least 30 min per day 7 days a week.
Eat less, eat better, eat what makes my body feel energize.
Did I get a perfect score for all of these every single day since?  Hell NO!!! I still don't.  But I am slowly getting there... slowly integrating these in my routine - just like showering and brushing my teeth.  Slowly changed my habits without beating myself up but by realizing that when I do these, everything goes more smoothly in my life and the weigh comes off. Positive reinforcement.

I started to listen to what my body needed and wanted. It was not easy.  I was trial and error.  Again.

By listening to what my body needs/want, I do not mean listening to my cravings! That is easy.
But actually, by starting to truly listen to my body, the cravings went away.

I mean actually eating quite slowly and observe the way I feel after I eat something...
Eat a smaller variety of food at once so I can identify what works or not for me.
Some food will go down easily and leave me feel energized!
Some food will hurt my stomach and wreak avock on my digestive system.
Some food will create nice easily evacuated stool the next day other will constipate me.
I learned to recognize when I am hungry - really hungry.
I learned to identify when I was eating out of habit - for example while watching TV.

I ate and took notes... every day.  I weight myself daily morning and night.
I started writing down my weight, my walking,  my yoga practice and stool...  daily!
I also started journaling about my emotions and could link some emotions to being heavier the next day... I could also link some emotions to some people specifically or situations or locations!

It took time.  Lots of time.  To work on me. But it was an investment.

I found out what works for me.  Found out what my trigger to eat junks were.

Most importantly, found out my happy medium.

I cannot be any strict anything.  I am disciplined yes, but not that much and I value pleasure as well. Life is not only about counting and weigh and balance and image.  I had to find what mattered most to me. And being thin does...  thinner than I was... but I still needed some pleasure from foods and I love my sweets!

I had to accept the lies I had been telling myself. As my weight was going up and I would try unsuccessfully to control it, I convinced myself that I was not that big and still in my healthy range and it was acceptable... I had been telling myself that food was more enjoyable than being thin...  I had been telling myself those lie out of laziness... I didn't feel like getting my sorry ass out of my chair and go for a walk... I didn't want to address why I was using food as a comforter... I didn't want to face the ghosts in my closet...

I had to face all that during those months.

The results

9 months later, I am now still 5'5"...  not old enough to start shrinking...
I am 46 years old.
And I weigh 125.5lbs
I have lost 13lbs.
I eat 60% less than I use to.
I feel great after I ate.
I have more energy.
I sleep less.
My waste is more regularly and easily evacuated.
I am more creative.
My brain works better - better memory, clarity, connectedness between information...
And I have gain a LOT of confidence.
I love my body. OK, I like it. I mean, it is still getting older - but I am working on accepting that.
Working on really truly loving it.
I know how it works.
I know how I can control my weight and still enjoy food.

I have discovered that what works best for me:

I eat mostly veggies. Local and in season. Sometimes organic but not always.
I eat whole grain cereals in the form of oatmeal, rice, multi grains bread from the farmer's market.
Some fruit - but much less then before - no more than 2 per day.
I sometimes eat 1-2 eggs per week.
Tofu once or twice a months.
Lentils, chickpeas and black beans regularly.
A few nuts everyday - preferably raw.
I drink lots of water.
I drink one chai with soy milk per day.
And a piece of chocolate or candy when I journal at night.
And I allow myself treats now and then... I just walk more to burn them off...

I also do a 12h fast every day : I have supper at 5pm, then eat my piece of chocolate (it is a small piece) at 7h30 when I journal and eat an apple at 8pm.  This is the end of my day...  and I won't have breakfast before 8h30 or 9am the next morning, after my yoga practice... This is what actually made the biggest difference for me!

Still ovo-vegetarian.  But I use a little oil in my cooking.  I eat lots of starch (potatoes, whole grains, legumes). Most of my meals are in the form of mashed potatoes with lentils or soup. I eat very little store bought food (less then 5%) - and when I do, most likely it will be a treat. I do not look at calories - unless I am eating package food to know how much I can eat.  I am never hungry. I learned to live on an empty stomach and it is amazing. I think less about food, cook less and have simplified my meals - it gives me more time to do more things I love and more money towards other things than food I do not really need.

It was not easy at first.  But so rewarding now. I have never feel better in my whole life. 

I was so used to eat so regularly every 2 hours or so...  I had to train my body, stomach, brain and emotions to the effect that I was not always that hungry! But I am now very happy with the results and I do not feel like my life revolves around food as much has it use to.  It is amazing how little your body actually needs when it works properly!

Well, this is my story...  what about yours?  Have you ever struggle with your weight? Are you healthy? Would you want to be healthier? Thinner? Heavier? Why?
Could that be an objective for you in 2019?

if you liked what you read please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Authorized expenses for 2019

Hello!!!

As you may already know, 2019 will be a goal oriented year for us...  short and long terms!

Last week, I decided to embark upon a year of tying up loose ends.  I will get back later on which loose ends I mean but first, I needed to clear my objectives, which you can find here, and then come up with a list of authorized expenses.

Reminder.

But before I actually list our authorized expenses, remember that this is not a no spend year but rather a smart spend year.  Doing our no spend November was very enlightening and it allowed us to see where we spend our money, what we have a hard time saying no to, what really matters to us and why we act the way we do.  Or at least, allow us to begin to understand why we act the way we do. This year, we want to figure it all out. 

With that intention in mind, we decided to come down with a more goal oriented budget that actually reflects our lifestyle.  We also decided ahead of time which non monthly budgeted stuff  really matters to us and that became our authorized expenses for 2019.   In that list, we basically listed things we "need" and stuff we like to do that is more in tone with our ideal life.   

November made us realized that we have triggers, and they are not the same for my husband and I, that send us doing activities or buying things that reminds us of our old self - and then we mostly regret it and are upset at ourselves.  We have came so far in the last 5 years... it is time to finally put an end to this and start the life we really want - instead of holding on to old patterns and habits that sets us back and delay us in living our perfect life. 

And now the list... 

1) Budgeted life expenses like rents, utilities, food, toiletries, coffee shop, car related expenses. 

   

Yes, we have a coffee shop budget - it is important to us and aside from walking in nature and reading books from the library, this is another hobby we have and the only one that cost us money. 

2) Usable stuff

     a) candles, incense and essential oils

     b) notebooks to replace filled ones - reading books from the library, I do take notes. Lots of them.

3) Razor for my husband - looking for one more sustainable and ecological to replace an old one.

4) Improvement to our living room - we decided to stay put for 3 years and as a result, we need to make the living room a little more "livable" and add comfort to it with minimum expenses.

    a) 2 meditation cushions that we can sit in to meditate or for any other reasons

    b) 2 cushions for our very uncomfortable futon

    c) 1 plant

5) Trailer tent and any camping/hiking gear that is essential but I forgot to list - not being in the season is hard to remember what we needed as everything is put away in the locker

This is what we want to do full time in a few years so we are slowly gearing up...  And it is also part of our dream life!!! 

6) tattoos - one each - we have been planning those for a while...

7) tanning bed - essential for me with MS as it is the best source of Vitamin D in the winter when you live up north like I do. - I really do not go that much and only 3 months per year ( February to April) and once or twice a week.

8) Knitting and embroidery material - I have no "stack" to use up as I buy as I need and when I post my monthly challenges, you will see why I need to allow this.

9) Outings - we are allowed to

     a) go to restaurants for celebration, when on a day trip or special occasions 

     b) go to the movies no more than once per season

     c) go to the SPA no more than once per season

     d) go camping - as much as we want and can afford to! This is our dream life!!!

     e) 1 week long trip in nature that could not be camping but needs to be nature bound

     f) day trips/road trips as needed

     *** but we do have to remember that any money spend on those will be less money put in the emergency fund,  savings, and towards our ultimate goal in 3 years. 

10) We can buy gifts for other people and accept gifts.  However, between each other, we cannot buy gifts for any reason - that is something I could see us doing!  We can only buy gifts for each other on our birthdays, mother/father's day, our anniversary and for Christmas. And there again, keeping in mind that any money spend on that that is not "perfect life goal oriented" will slow us down...

11) Finally, because our house is already filled with barely the minimum, aside for clothes for me, we can replace what brakes down if we can't do without.  This of course, will be a judgment call.

In resume 

This is what we can spend our money on and do for 2019.  It is all oriented towards spending a life more in nature and less at the mall and in the city... where we are no longer really comfortable and get our energy drained... This should help us finally get unconnected from the hyper materialistic society we live in.  Not that we are really attached to it anymore but there seem to be some triggers, like I mention before, that make us vulnerable and push us back into our old patterns. 

As you can see, there are no money allowed for clothes and books...  our weaknesses. Also, both our mind are set on following the one in / one out principle. 

Stay tune for my following posts about the monthly challenges - these will keep us busy and be healing and oriented towards nature.

What are your plans for 2019???

Care to share?

If you liked what you read, please share...  

Chloe 💜&✌

What makes my world go round

Knitting

Books

A lonely star in the sky at dusk

A cloud wearing the colors of the rainbow

Clementines

Christmas decor

Candles

Apple chai

My simple home

My son taking out the garbage without me asking

Cold morning walk

Warmth of the sun through a window

Hot chocolate with coconut whip

Fireplace

Birds singing

My husband  joining me in bed when he gets home 

Homemade bake potatoes

Soup

Incense 

Fruit cake

And what about you?

If you liked what you read, please share!

Don't forget to subscribe!

Chloe 💜&✌

Why I am doing this and what are my goals

Earlier this week I announced my 2019 project.

A year of tying up loose ends.

Now some people, including my husband, which is obviously part of my project, have been asking me questions...

What is this exactly?
How will it happen?
Why am I doing this?
What are my objectives?

To the first two questions I still have no definite answers...
It will come in time.  But I know it will require challenging myself in many ways! I can see monthly challenges in my near future...

As for the why...  all I know is that I want this year to be the year where I finally come together - body/mind/spirit on the same note... no more internal fights!

My objectives

This is one thing I had to figure out from the beginning or else there really was no point in trying to do anything.  I have been working for years at being minimalist/essentialist/frugal... which ever word you wish to use. Essentially I am aiming for a simpler, healthier and cheaper way of life. With freedom to move around as much as I can.  However I am not there yet and recently I think I have figured out my weaknesses (meditation really is very insightful)... time to work on them!

1) overcome my shopping addiction for good.

Although it is well under control (compare to what it used to be), it is still there and I find myself easily justifying buying stuff I do not really need... which leaves me with less money to do things I love like camping and nature travels. Our society of hyper consumerism still has a bigger hold on me than I'd want to.

2) let go of what people think or say - completely!

There again, I can be quite independent but there are triggers that set me off and make me vulnerable. I want to identify those and eliminate them.  For that journaling might be very helpful - it has already helped me kind of see what is going on! Lots of it has to do with my age and the expectations associated with it according to where I come from...

3) live the life I love

I am working on a budget and authorized expenses for 2019 that will allow me to live life as I really wish! Thinking that if I "force" do it for a year it will get more natural and I won't have to struggle against myself in the end... For example, this life will not include shopping and travelling to cities - which are old reflexes of things I use to do but that always leave me empty and regretful I did them!

Fake it till you make it they say...

4) start working on my emergency fund

I know this is the wise thing to do and I have no excuses for not having one yet. ENOUGH. By the end of the  year, I would like to have half of it saved - that would be 3K.

As I said earlier,  I do not have all the details yet... but I will be very transparent on this blog. As usual.

The next two posts should be about:
- my authorized expenses
- my list of monthly challenges

Gandhi said something to the effect that the biggest traveler is not the one that has gone around the world but the one that went once around himself. I love this!!!

Any ideas for challenges? What do you think of that project?

If you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

Feeling inspired and motivated

In spring 2006,  two and a half years after I was diagnosed with  multiple sclerosis (MS), I finally accepted that I was under a severe depression and needed help.  I went to therapy.

My therapist, as I was not suicidal or prone to hurt myself, did not use medication and this is exactly what I wanted.  A medication free therapy for depression as I was already taking enough drugs for MS.  It took months but I got over it.  One of the first thing she suggested to me was to start a yoga and meditation practice to help release the stress and sleep better.  She opened a door... and although I did the minimum at the time and my heart was not really into it, she had planted a seed that would eventually bloom...

That happened later towards the fall of 2007.

As I was at a difficult place in my life and unemployed, I started to get more into my yoga and meditation practice.  And from that, I discovered:

1) Feng Shui which brought me to unclutter my home...
2) Non harming which introduced me to a vegetarian diet
3) Non steeling which circled back to Feng Shui and led me to minimalism.

To me, all of this is intertwined...  for example, what is the use of uncluttering if I will buy more stuff to clutter back?  What is the point of holding on to something that I do not need/like/use? What is the point of doing yoga to feel better if I eat a diet that is bad for my physical and emotional health? And I could go on and on...

So from 2007 and now, I have been more or a less a minimalist depending on what you look at in my life, experienced various plant based diet, started a blog, wrote a book and made several changes to my surrounding including decluttering my agenda, my relationships and moving to a more quiet city.

All this in the hope of putting it all together and living the life I deserve and want.

However... there are still some loose ends in my life...

Putting all of this together is easier said than done.  It takes time and trial and errors so that I can find my happy equilibrium.

Where my difficulty lies now

Last week end, I had a melt down...  it was not fun...  and I want this to end.
They do not come as often and do not last as long but they still happen.
I've had enough already.
I could not stand where and how I was living.  I found myself wishing my life to be back to 2002-2003 where I had my house and all the stuff in it... a busy life... and many fake relationships...  Of course, this is not how I was seeing it on that day.  I was just longing for past times...

I looked into it...  to figure out why this was happening at that time...

Well it turns out that:

1) November and December are always more difficult times for me - my birthday and the holidays.
2) I had spend more time at the mall shopping for a few Christmas gifts.
3) I had been watching more television including shows on fashion and home design/decor.

So I started comparing.  AGAIN!

And I felt miserable... because my flat is a combination of hand-me-down and thrifted furniture, my yoga stuff, a bunch of candles and some arts/crafts I made hanging on the wall.  Oh, and my son's television!

In fact, now that I feel better, it is absolutely lovely and is a testimony of our lives... our simpler lives.

My life in general has nothing to do with was is advertised...  and most of the times, that is OK with me.  But there are still times where I am vulnerable...

Why am I vulnerable after all those years?

Because I am only Human.
Because when I have a hard time, I still turn back to my old, very old pattern of consumerism.
Because my support system might not be enough.
Because I get insecure and afraid of missing out.
Because Netflix, in the end, can be just as bad as television if you do not chose your shows carefully.

Living in a society is tricky.  Even if you try to avoid it, you are stimulated all the time and it gets into your brains...  It's like even if you eat very well and take good care of yourself, sometimes a virus finds it's way and you get a cold...

Consumerism is my virus. 
And also my addiction.

If I can't buy clothes, I will buy food... and when, like at the present, I am trying to steer clear of buying clothes because of my year long shopping ban and eat less and better food as  I recently, with great difficulty, lost 12lbs, despite going through pre-menopause, (and I do not want to gain those pounds back ever!), I turn to home decor...

But all of these ARE consumerism.
NONE of these actually make me truly happy in the long run.

How will I ever end, for good, the buy/purge cycle?

Well, while I had time to spare at Chapters yesterday while waiting for something to be engraved for my son at another store, I let my intuition lead me...  I was just browsing with no intention to buy anything...  I hardly, if ever, buy books anymore. I am one of the most loyal "customer" at my local library! I looked at a few books, that seemed interesting but I didn't want to spend the money...  until I came across Cait Flanders's "the year of less".  I started looking at that book and although some of the stuff she writes about I already did, what got my attention is that she spent a year getting over her own consumerism...

I though to myself that I could start my own year long project...  take the time to design it properly in December and start in January 2019.

So I will read her book in December...  at least her introduction and first month and  I will keep on reading a month in advance to guide me for new monthly challenges...

Between now and the end of the month, I will come up with my authorized expenses - because this is what I need to plan for in advance with my husband.  We have to make this a success and I cannot do it without having him on board. He his the biggest part of my support system.

We have come so far and tried so many things... we both get bummed when we do not succeed and it throws us further into consumerism. We already know what we can and cannot live without and what are our weaknesses... the goal will be to work on our weaknesses but rather than do it as punishment, we will use positive reinforcement - not buying stuff we actually do not need, spending less time window shopping and watching television and use that time and money to do stuff we like and get more experiences in our lives!

Why does this matters to me?

After all, we are doing pretty good - our living expenses are well under control.

The no food waste experience has become my new way of life...  this saves me so much money in groceries!
Utilities are to a minimum - including only one cheap flip phone for both of us!
Rent is more than acceptable.
Car is second hand, paid for and well repaired.
We are buying in general less and less clothes - although still more than I actually need
We are no longer buying DVD, CD and the like...
We almost never buy books.

We are almost debt free with a small amount on our credit card.

We have enough money aside for retirement.

So why bother?  Well because I want to live a life where I don't have to battle against myself every now and then... I want to finally accept my life as it is, as I designed it because it is how I truly really deeply want it!  I want to stop comparing myself and finally break free of the consumerism cycle for good.

I want to finally have an emergency fund.
I want to move away and not bring with me my ghosts.
I want to have a life based on experiences rather then stuff.

As a result... 

Starting January 1st, 2019, we will be entering

"my year of tying up loose ends"

this should complete the cycle for us... it should allow me to bring all my knowledge and "wisdom" into the perfect-for-us-life.

A life where I will be at peace with myself...
A life filled with travelling and time spent in nature...
A life moving around and not having so much stuff to carry along... perhaps live in a van???

The life I have been aiming for!!!
For years.

It is almost there....
Just a few loose ends to tie...
And I will do it in 2019.

Have you had enough of your life as it is?  Is it time to change? To say good bye to old patterns?
Do you have any plans for 2019?
What would you like this next year to bring you?

If you liked what you read, please share...

chloe 💜&✌

Hunger and obesity

The Holiday season always make me a little sad.

The pressure for the "picture perfect holiday" is too much and unrealistic... how could we even come close???

In a world where there are epidemic of BOTH hunger and obesity... in a world where 20% of the world population (located in North America, Europe, Japan and Australia) uses 80% of the world's resource... how can we be completely merry and joyful???

How can we close our eyes on what is going on in the rest of the world? How can we give and eat to such an extent?

Perhaps our eyes a were never open?

Is it just me or the fact that we have people dying of both over and under eating makes no sense what so ever in a society that claims they are the intelligent ones on the planet?

Is it just me or there is no logic at all, in the amount of food we send to the landfills? Did you know that food waste in the USA alone could end world hunger???

I know... you can't just ship uneaten food to people starving... that is just stupid!

But, you can buy less food... you can buy ONLY what you need. If we all did that, the stores/restaurants would buy less also... not to increase their waste and therefore lower their profit margin! There could be a shift in resources allocation and the producers, which are most likely in third world country, could feed their population instead of sending 80% or more of their food here so that we can eat too much, get sick and send the rest to our landfill!

What if next times you have left over you actually bring them back and eat them or give them to a homeless on your way back home? What if you insisted your favorite restaurant gave the extra food at the end of the day to a shelter? What if you did the same with your grocery store? There a are people starving all over the world... even right on the other side of our white picket fence!

What if you ate less meat... to decrease the demand and therefore the production? As a result, some of the cereals use to feed the animals we kill to eat could actually feed humans and save their lives? You do not have to go full on vegetarian or vegan... just one day a week by everyone in North America could end world hunger!

And what about all those gifts? Are they all absolutely necessary? Have you ever took a walk a few days after Christmas and notice how much garbage there is? Why not give something the person will really use and love rather than to impress everyone? Or consumable (food, coffee, rea, bath products, candles...)? Why not make something yourself? Or get something locally made that adds value to your community instead of money to the pocket of one of the 66 billionaires that holds more wealth than the poorest 50%? Why not give time... cookies... go see a movie... go for a walk in the woods? Do a swap party?

These are just a few ideas I have... there can be many more... let me mnow if you think of something else.

I am just asking you to be more mindful of your surrounding, your community, your global village...

Be a little less selfish...

And remember Gandhi said that there is enough resources for everyone's need but not enough for everyone's greed.

Be less greedy this time around. 💜

If you liked what you read, please share...

Happy sustainable holiday season!

Chloe 💜&✌

Quality over quantity

Last time I wrote was last Wednesday... it has been a while.
I have no excuses.... no explanations.

I just had nothing to write about.  Life went on. And if I don't have anything specific to write about, I just don't.

This morning I realized that I want to share with you why I sometimes write 3 posts a week and sometimes none.  I think it would be honest of my to come clean on that.

See, the thing is, I have had this blog for years now...  and I have had periods where I wrote more and some where I wrote less... I even stopped for almost a year not long ago!

I have had time period where I got really serious about this.  I took classes and read books and online material about how to grow an online business from a blog.  And I did try...  but I can't stick to it!

Not because of lack of discipline or knowledge about how to do it.
Rather because of my love-hate relationship with social media and online world!

I have to admit that the Internet can be a wonderful thing.  It has introduced me to a bunch of like minded people, it allows us to do online banking instead of having to wait in line between 10am and 3pm... you can buy airplane tickets and make travel arrangements...  you can actually find valuable information and get more knowledgeable!  The world is at your fingertip and we are now one global village in a sense...  but there are so many dark side to it.  It only reflects what people actually load on it...  and there are many lies and make believe...  and it's easy to get caught up in comparison...  Humans tends to do that, compare themselves to the people around them and feel bad about their own lives...  but with the Internet, there are so many people to compare yourself to!  It can be endless... And this is why I am, sometimes, not too found of it...

When I did all the training about how to have a successful blog, the most important point that came up is "be there"!  All the time basically... you have to follow people on social media and blogs, read and comment!  You have to like and share and comment and follow and tweet and re tweet and so on and so forth...  I did it for a while and it actually does work, over time, in direct relationship to the time you invest and the people you "get to know". Just like a regular business. It is very time consuming... and confusing... and every time I try and do that, I loose myself...  I compare and compete! I spend more time reading and commenting and trying to make friends and looking up my numbers then actually living.  I spend more time reading about other people's life and trying to see how I can write on the same subject my own way...  so much time making plans and mind maps and list of subject/ideas/topics to write on that I hardly have time to write! So much time trying to be better than them to have more readers...

I forget to live my life.  And my blog is about my life. So, if I don't live, I have nothing to write about interesting enough... no original material.

I am not a business person!  I am not a good seller... you either like me or you don't. Honestly, it's up to you.  I am no longer trying to convince you to like me.  It is too hard.  And useless... I did it. It did not work well for me. I'd rather be honest and real.  I'd rather have a few people who like and read me for who I am than a bunch expecting me to be someone I am not.  I do not want to play a role.  My desire is that if ever you and I actually meet in person, you will not be surprise... you will have the feeling that you've know me for a while.

Another thing you have to do to be a successful blogger, is write on a regular basis to create expectations from your reader.  They have to know that a post will come up every other day or so at a specific time! And you better not miss it. You have to pick, preferably, one subject and stick to it to grow your audience (minimalism, nutrition, veganism, yoga, knitting traveling...).  And successful blogger do that. I did follow a few for a while... now, not so much - I only follow a few authentic ones now.  There is only so much one can write about any one subject, three times a weeks for years, without repeating themselves. After a while it gets redundant... almost like a copy paste... to keep it real you have to diversify yourself.  You have to evolve and follow life.  Nothing is static and does not change for years...  so why would a blog be like that?

I like to write about many things I am passionate about.  I mostly like to write, I have discovered lately, about how I feel, my emotions, why I do what I do, what I try and succeed in or not...  I like to write about life.  All of it - the good, the bad and the ugly as they say.  My life.

I don't care what the rules are about successful blogging...  I just can't keep up with them.  There is no way I will spend hours each day on the Internet to grow my business and then write about a social media or phone detox. There is no way I could be comfortable writing about minimalism or essentialism if I followed thousands of people through different media and blogs (digital clutter is a real thing). I could not write about my yoga practice if I did not have time to experiment yoga and meditation.  How can you share about books if you have no time to read any?  How can you talk about a camping or outdoor experience if you spend it on your phone keeping in touch or tracking numbers?

I am not saying this is what everyone does... I am not saying everyone out there is a fake...

I am just saying that I do not understand how I could be one of those successful blogger if this is what you need to do. I would feel fake.

I like my little routine of morning yoga/meditation, walking, reading, knitting...  and sometimes shopping and cooking or meeting a friend for coffee. I like to spend a few minutes on social media but after 20 minutes I get a headache and need to breathe...  I cannot spend hours in front of a computer or a tablet and I refuse to own a smart phone!

I know that if the Internet did not exist I could now write a blog, and you and I would have, in most instances, never "met", but still, I am not after high numbers!  I want committed, dedicated people like me... I want real people... I want people who are genuinely happy to read me when I write and do not care if I skip a week.... because I want you and I to have the mutual understanding that there is more to life than a screen... there is more to your life then reading about mine and there is more to my life than writing to improve yours.

This is not a competitive space.  I want this blog to be a space of respect, a place where you feel you can come when you want...  and I do the same.  You can read what you care about and skip the rest...  You do not have to agree with me all the time... and I should not write to please you...

I write me. Period.

Writing here had allow me to grow and evolve and change and understand who I am and why...  It has actually been more of a journaling than a public experience even if I sometimes have quite a few readers...

I have notice that, posts where I open my heart and express my emotions, are much more read and share... and I get it. I do that more now.  I am more transparent. I do not share only the good stuff...  because then I would not be believable.  In my opinion.

My goal is not to make you feel like I am better than you.  I am different than you.  And you are different than me.  We both have different backgrounds and life and I hope mine can help you.

You are good enough.  You can do this.  You can win this battle - which ever battle you are fighting now.

And remember,

"The mountains you are carrying, you were only suppose to climb" Najwd Zebian

Once you get that, everything becomes simpler.

This is what this week of not writing my blog has allow me to discover... I have had time to reflect and think about my relationship with this blog.  I realize it is essential for me to do it... but in my own way.  Not following rules... especially not rules that, according to me, go against what I write about.

On that note, anything you would like me to share with you in following posts???  Do not hesitate to contact me...

If you liked what you read, please share...
Chloe 💜&✌

My no spend November - summary

Well here we are...  November is almost over...  so is the experiment!

I will share, Saturday morning, the final colored calendar but I would like to share my reflections so far as I am already preparing for December and next year.

This no spend November or no spend month as been very interesting in making me realize that, basically, I suck at making a budget!  All those years of keeping a budget, not following a budget, calculating my budget 4 times a month and getting in financial troubles...  always getting out of them but still...  unnecessary stress I think!

I can do better....  much better and I will.

I am good a budgeting for rent and utilities...  Not so much for food and the money we spend in coffee shop! And completely null when it comes to unexpected stuff - like car maintenance and repair, replacing damaged beyond repair clothes or other stuff...  and non-realistic about what we like to spend our money on! That changed over the year from spending on stuff to spending on experiences but still spending. And we are OK with that.

We are not people to save money... we have it, we spend it!  It's an energy, it needs to move! And we do have retirement funds so spending what is left is not so much a problem in a way...  but we have goals, dreams and we want to make these come true.

So, moving forward, I will do the following to ensure our budget reflects our actual lifestyle and ensure we can achieve long term goals too!

One thing I have learn over the time, and that this month has confirmed, is that we are not good at restraining ourselves too much...  and if we forbid each other from spending money, we'll want to spend it more!  Therefore we need to reach an equilibrium!

From now on, I have created in my bullet journal, a page for each month (like in the above picture - I have completed it after I took the picture, I am just not comfortable sharing all our numbers) and will use it to track our spending.  It will greatly help establishing trends and see where everything goes as well as insure we get it on with number 4), 5) and 6) below!  I have a color for budgeted items, a color for authorized expenses for the month (like Christmas related expenses in December), a color for items we had not planned for but have no choice (like emergency dentist appointment) and a color for money we spend but we could and should have done without - like buying an extra pair of jeans.

1) Track money spend on food - I already mentioned that my food budget includes everything bought at the grocery store and health stores - toilet paper, soap, shaving blades, toothbrush, feminine product, etc... so I have to account for those in my budget!  I am pretty on target about how much food I buy but I need to either leave room for those toiletries in my budget or starve when I need to buy all of them on the same month!

2) We are coffee shop fans! Currently Starbucks, as the choice where we live is quite limited, but we love to spend time in coffee shops in general, drink coffee/tea and read...  We have been doing this for years and even though we recently slowed down and are doing more of it in the comfort of our cozy home, we will always be doing that.  As I said, we had recently, at the beginning of 2018, halved our budget for such expenditure and in November I tried cutting it further 40% but it has shown to be too much... a further cut of 20% is what we can live with.  We have now establish that!

3) We will also both have an allowance.  This way, we can spend money as we wish without having to do a family reunion and discussion/negotiation... and so on...  It is a fair amount that will makes us both happy and also allow us to reach our objectives in a decent amount of time. This money will not appear in my tracking of expenditure - it is discretionary money and needs to remain so.  We can do whatever we want with it - save it, spend it... it doesn't matter.

4) We will expedite paying our credit card - there is a small amount on it currently but we will make this priority number one with estimated balance to 0$ by the end of January 2019!

5) We will start to seriously work on an emergency fund. This should take care of unplanned expenses eventually.  We want our emergency fund to be 3 months of expenses - including a little extra... We should have it by the end of 2019.

6) Once we have all that covered, we will start saving for our big project which is happening in more or less 4 years - this will give us more then enough time to get enough money aside for this dream we have to come true!

I know we can do this if my husband and I work as a team!  We have come so far and already did quite a lot together in other areas of our lives - we can now work on the financial aspect and both working on the same goals will make it so much more easier then if we had different dreams!!!

In conclusion, I am really happy I've put myself through this challenge... There will probably be more non spend months in the near future!

Have you done a no spend month?  What did you learn? How do you handle money in your homes?

If you liked what you read, please share...  thanks!

Chloe 💜&✌

My soldier

I never wrote about this. Because I was not ready to go there yet.

Being a mom is hard. It's the job of a lifetime.  Te most demanding job you'll ever have.  There are no 40h a week or part-time, no Holidays, no vacation, no time off EVER!!!

When my son was born it almost took both our lives...  but we both survived. It created that connection.  I knew then, that the only work that would really matter was being the best mom I could to that little boy. I had to let this boy become who he wanted to be - the best version of himself.

In order to do that.  In order to keep my promise, I had to turn my life upside down for so many reasons.  But this post is not about how I did that...

It is rather about the fact that my son is a soldier.

I know, I get it a LOT!!!  Your SON?  A soldier???  HOW???

Well, it is what it is.  And let me tell you how it happened...

A few months after he turned 13th, while he was in 8th grade, he came to me one night and said "I am going to be in the army when I grow up".  To which I replied "OK, we'll talk about it later, you are too young now". Thinking that it would give me 5 years to change his mind...  I have no idea how I thought I could change his mind...  If you think I am stubborn, well he beats me! And quite frankly, it should not have been a surprise...  and it wasn't really, I just didn't wanted to see it.

At 12, this little boy already knew more about WWI and WWII that pretty much anyone who had not lived through them and certainly more then even some who lived through it... He knew about which country was against which other, the allied, the enemies, when they joined the war and why...  Which weapons, tanks and airplanes were used.... a pretty good idea of the number of lives taken... To my greatest despair, anytime I would bring him to a book store to try and have him read something he would chose a book on either of those wars...  a documentary?  Had to be on WWI or WWII to have him watch it... and don't get me started on presentations and researches at school - all about that too!!!

Where it surprised me, is that this boy, has always been very pacifist...  he would resolve conflict at school, he absolutely adores animals and never got into a fight!!! He took yoga with me and did meditation... he is all about healing lights and energy like my husband...  past lives and karma!  He even has a Tibetan Om tattooed on his shoulder - it was his first tattoo!

Going back, a year later, at 14, we had moved away from home and he wanted to join the cadets - saying it would help him join the army.  I agreed... I didn't think he would survive the cadets - shining the boots, putting on a uniform, standing so so straight... standing up for so long, staying still... but he LOVED it!!!  And I saw him, through the cadet program evolve, mature, get more disciplined and goal oriented...  and he finally got self-confidence! It was truly a blessing.

No matter which sports he did as a kid, he was always pretty average at it or above average but it never got him self-confidence.  We had him tried a lot of sports and activities - he took drawing, guitar, piano, yoga, tennis, badminton, swimming, soccer, judo...  he had all kinds of different summer camps at the local zoo, on art, sports...  nothing worked like the cadets to bring up his self-confidence.

I still presented him with options career and jobs wise when he was between 13 and 16th...  but nothing interested him really.  Nothing was of a deep enough interest for him to excel at it!  Even though he was quite good at many non-academic stuff, it never became a passion.

The only thing he was, and still is, passionate about was the army.

Eventually he went on the Internet and found all the information to apply to the army.  Figured out he could join the Reserve at 16. He was then a little over 15.  So it came back to haunt me... it scared the shit out of me... REALLY.  So we talked it through... I wanted to make sure he was not overly frustrated and had some buried agressivity coming from a broken home... but he kept showing me pictures and texts and videos of amazing thing soldiers do aside from going to war... and he explained why they go to war...  and his convincing argument was "mom, you say you want to change the world, and what you do is cool but there is another way to change it and we need an army and we need people to sacrifice their life and freedom so that you can have yours and live your life the way you do - we need soldier to protect woman and kids, people to build villages and schools..."

After that,  even though he knew and respected that I was never going to be "pro-war" and that I respected his well researched decision, we agreed that on the day of his 16th birthday we would go to the recruitment center and he would apply.  He needed me to sign for him. He said it was his best birthday gift ever. To me, it was the more costly ever.

Moving along, here we are, 19 months after his oath. He his the happiest 18th year old boy I have ever seen...  he loves his jobs which he does full time.  After graduating high school he started working full time with the Reserve.  He his now awaiting his transfer to the Regular Forces and cannot wait to get even more into it.  Honestly, adolescence was almost nonexistent...  pretty easy ride compare to what I was told I should expect!

He has become a young man, miles away from the 13th years old boy saying he wanted to join the army when he grew up. He is responsible, serious, dependable, self-confident and opinionated - he knows this is what he wants to do.  He has found friends and a "family".  People he cares for, people who are there for him, people who's life may one day depend on him but also people who may one day save his life...

I am really proud of his progress.  I am happy he already found what he wants to be when he grows up - I still have no clue and  I am 46!  It shows I did what I promise myself when he was born: I helped him realize his dream and true potential...

I am still against war.
I am still a peace & love hippie freak...

And I am SO INCREDIBLY scared of what could happen to him...
But I know, this is what he wants,  I know he's not going to be stupid.
And we all know the dangers.
I have to trust him.  And life.

I have to let go.
It is a wonderful gift to have such a healthy, responsible and happy son.
But it is also a curse... in a way.  I will never be sure he is safe. Ever.

They say your kids do not belong to you... and I totally agree... but sometime,  I just wish he would have "belonged" to me a little longer...

I am now part-time living with an almost man3soldier3kid who is only 18 years old!

This is all very confusing...
There are never any script written to be a mom...  but there surely is nothing around me resembling the role I have to play now.  I am making up as I go...  hoping I am doing an OK job...

wishing you all of you guys a safe and happy Holiday season...

if you liked what you read, please share...

Chloe 💜&✌

About perfection

Yesterday I published something on social media to the effect that I had somewhat failed my No Spend November and One Year Shopping ban on clothes (even of there is 11 months of it left)...  because I gave in and bought a pair of pants and a skirt - both for fall/winter.

I felt like I had let down people...

The responses I got were not at all what I was expecting.  You guys were awesome, forgiving, understanding and supporting.  I am not use to that. I love you guys.  Thank you.

Although my husband said that it showed I was only Human... and honest, I still felt like somehow, I failed.  Again.

He is supporting me in all those crazy challenges and changes I make to our household...  never really questioning, or saying I am just being plain crazy.  And I can be.  I know.

But sometimes he asked me one very precise, direct and appropriate question... and because I really consider all the feedback I get, even more so if it comes from him, I always think it through.  Most times, he really hits a nerve... and annoys me in a sense but once I meditate on it and ponder, I can see the answer... and it allows me to evolve.  A lot.

They say that people who do not talk much, when they do, you should listen.  My husband is one of those guys.

Yesterday he asked me "why are you so hard on yourself?".

I didn't know.  Because this is what I do.  This is what I always did.

But at the same time, I cannot consider myself  a perfectionist.  Not at all.  If no one is watching, I am all over the place, I start things and do not finish, good enough is more than enough, I like to try stuff but stop if I no longer like it for any reason, and I am free spirited...

If no one was ever watching, I would be much "less hard on myself"...  I do not care as much as I would like too... I like to work on myself and get to a better version of me but a version of me that do not drives me crazy... or is so demanding...

So the answer to his question is:  to impress people I do not really care about anymore. People who judged me to be without ambition and not good enough.

For example, when I was posting a lot about food and veganism, I would make all those recipes, try all those things... I had books, web site, lists...  I would take picture, send recipes to people asking... but I hated it.  I hate cooking.  I hate having to follow a complicated recipe.  To me, it it has more then 10 ingredients and requires more then 20 minutes of work, it is too complicated! I like to make simple plant-based meals. I just truly believe that this is the healthiest way to do for us and for the planet. And by convincing everyone and sharing so much, I would convert people to veganism...  and therefore be a good person, a likable person...  someone with ambition and someone who succeeded...  but quite frankly, I was not doing it for me.  So I stopped.

Then I went on the next thing...  minimalism, then yoga, followed by reading, followed by knitting, and by camping, and then came no spend month, and shopping bans...

I really truly like all those things.
For me.
They make me feel good, they help me relax and stay healthy...

I do yoga, read, write, walk, knit almost all daily... but I also watch Netflix! Because I like it.

And I am pretty sure all those things can also help many others... I know it does. So I share.
But I just can't excel at any of it.
Because it is not me.

So why do I keep trying?
Because I was raised that way.  I was conditioned to be the best.  At anything.  But it truly annoys me... and I have long ago, so I thought, came to peace with it.  But is seems like it resurfaces every now and then.

I just like to do my stuff.  My way.

I am not a white or black person.  I am all shades of grey.

I'd like to be the "perfect" vegan... and even thought I never eat meat, fish, poultry and cheese...  I can eat eggs... and I will not say no to a warm croissant even if I know it has butter... or a piece of Turtles or caramel M&M. I do not wear fur, or wool or leather jacket but my best boots are made of leather. Being the perfect vegan is just to demanding for me.

I'd like to be the "perfect" minimalist but I like clothes...  too much doesn't make me happy, but never will I own only 20 pieces of timeless clothes....timeless is not for me.  I like colors and boho like and funky clothes... I also like thrifting but sometimes buying a new piece in a fast fashion store feels good! Even if ethically it's a no-no! What if I really do wear it for many many years? Which is almost always the case... can't I look the other way on some occasion???

I'd like to do a "perfect" clothes shopping ban or no spend month...  but I got to be honest, I can be careful but I do believe that some occasion will not happen the next month... for example, the Christmas market is in November... there will not be one in December...  should I just deprive myself of buying home made local gifts?!?  We have no serious debt issues, our budget more then plenty cover our expenses and gives room for emergency and vacations and activities...  For sure I'd like to finally have an emergency fund but do I have to come up with it in 6 months? What if it took me a year to come up with it?  I never had one and we use to have so many debts and no room on our credit card...  We've come a long way...  And we'll keep on going because we have the same objectives...

As for knitting, I do leg warmers, and sleeves and scarves... because they are easy.  Following a pattern is not relaxing.  You have to count and keep track and focus...  I knit to relax. Period.

I'd like to be the "perfect" yogi.  I do have my almost daily home practice and meditation.  I try and follow the principles as much as I can... But I do not have a teacher training, I never went to an Ashram in India or did a silent retreat... and maybe one day I'll be there and maybe not...  but that's OK.  I never read the Sutras or Baghava Gita. Yoga has made me a better person.  A calmer person.  It has helped me manage my stress and get to know me better...  made me realize that I am not black and white... and there is no sense beating myself over it.  Most of the time.

I'd like to be the "perfect" reader.  But come on, some of those classics are really boring! They just ramble on and on....  like the author didn't even know where he was going. And some of the new published books are truly amazing! I am not into romance novel (even as I kid, I didn't like fairy tales) or thrillers (stresses me out to much) but I like to read just about anything else... as long as it keeps me awake! And sometimes I just do not finish a book.  Or I fast-read it. I'm OK with that.

Maybe no one is perfect.
Or maybe it's just me.

But I have to come to term with the fact that I am not a perfectionist.
I no longer want to try to prove anyone that I can be.

I am grey.  And happy to be. Ggrey goes with all colors...  Right?

I can be just enough of vegan, minimalist, yogi, camping girl, bohemian at times and wanderer at others...

Maybe the next challenge I join should be to "not strive for perfection to try and impress people I do not care about"???

What do you guys think?

After all, there is so much this girl can do without driving herself crazy and be unhappy.

I chose flaws.  I chose imperfection. I chose happiness.

Chloe 💜&✌