Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Turning 41 today!
Wow... I am having a weird day so far... but that's OK...
The path I am on is not an easy one... and there are some good and bad days... and some have good and bad in them... I am on a mission to finally discover myself.... over the last few years, I have been working really hard on me... to find out who I am... what I want in and from life... and it has been both amazing and exiting... I also worked really hard on learning to assume who I am... and let go of other's opinion... I have lost people on my way... but met GREAT new people!!! And that is OK... that is life...
Today has not been easy yet because the last couple of weeks have not been easier... I was on to something.... but afraid to let it out... and it finally came on to me... TODAY!!! I was still trying to hold on to some older parts of myself... I am not sure how well I will be able to express myself on this one... how well I will be able to explain it... so if in any way I am hurting any of you, please ask for clarifications...
Let me start by saying that I love to have discussions with people... I love to meet people for coffee or lunches... I love all the interactions I have on the internet with all of you my wonderful readers and friends... but I am starting to see a side of me I had forgotten existed... I was never very popular in school... I was shy... and not so pretty... I had good grades and was very good in sports... all that it takes to be one of the less popular girl in school... I had made my peace with that and started being very independent really early on in life... I always had a few very close friends... by a few, I mean maybe 4-5 MAX at any point in time... As I grew older, and especially over the last few years, this number decreased further... and I needed to confined or justify myself to less and less people... I still have a great number of "friends"... but close ones... not so much... and I think this is normal (as we grow older, we have a web of people that are similar to ourselves in interest but not as much friends that you see daily or weekly...)... and what I have had a problem with recently is that the close friends I have, are very similar to me... in that they are strong, independent women... and what have been bothering me is that they are very homey... they love to be home and do their own things... and I felt left out... and it has been bothering me because I have this in me too... I realised recently that I love to be home, write, knit, cook and do some arts... listen to my music... practice my yoga... I no longer care so much for restaurants and coffee shop and shopping... but I was afraid to let it go... because I didn't want to seem boring... I didn't want to loose my friends... but it was making me unhappy... I felt forced to go out... to maintain an image that no longer suits me... for the benefit of the people who loved me the most... so that I do not deceive them... I was deceiving myself... as if being me and happy would deceive them!!!! I was feeling guilty for enjoying being home... as if I had something more important or interesting to do... but what if THAT is important and interesting to me??? Who cares really???
I have been very though on them recently... and I am sorry for it...
I now understand that we can be very good friends.... and I can still care and feel connected to them even if I do not see them on a regular basis because what we have is stronger than time and space.. the connection we have goes beyond that... it goes beyond knowing what they do every minute of their lives... This is new to me... I have always been the type if I do not see you almost daily I eventually forget about you... but those 2 friends, I wish not to forget about them at all... (they know who they are...)
Once again, I am sorry if I have been putting you thru a roller coaster.... I am feeling better now! :-)
On another note, I like to make a summary of my life at my birthday instead of New Year's... just because this is more significant to me... last year, I had set a goal to work on selling my book and I did that... sales are going up slowly but surely... I will still work on that this year... and I am setting up to start a microbusiness... not sure how this will evolve precisely but there sure is an ebook coming for a start....
As for the rest of the year, I am not making big plans... I want to see where life leads me... I am tired of trying to control everything... and I am going to let life bring me where I should be... It has always done a great job despite me trying to control everything so I am giving up (on controlling) and will just live my life... who knows what great thing is awaiting me???
Now, I will go on to my yoga practice and having supper by myself (husband and son are working and at their dad's respectively) which will most likely be my favorite smoothies (almond chocolate milk, banana, raspberries and chia seeds) with a side of 1 or 2 apples... I will knit and maybe rent a romantic movie...
Happy birthday to me!